Letters from A Better Me
90-Day A Better Me Letters Series
Part I: A Journey of Awareness
What Holds Us Back: The Unstable Foundation
Day 3: The Power of Fear
To the Fear Within Me,
I feel you stirring inside me. When I watch the news you are there as my stomach clinches up and my nerves start to send tingles throughout my limbs. I feel you when I try to make decisions about what is in the best interests of my family and myself. I feel you when I’m walking and I wonder what people are capable of.
There have been times where you have been completely running my life. I was scared that if you weren’t there, I wouldn’t survive. The truth is it wasn’t having you that kept me alive. To live with you leading the way is a living hell. This doesn’t mean that there isn’t a healthy place for you in my life. I can learn so much from you, but not if you are all I see.
When I view the world through a perception of fear, I miss so much love. I can turn a shopping trip into a nightmare or an enlightening experience. It is all about where my focus is. If I’m not where my feet are and am swept away in my past or my future, you sneak in and take over. I miss the smiles from other customers. I miss the cashier who may feel invisible because I’m not acknowledging his/her humanity. I could miss my opportunity to help a person who is struggling.
In my relationships, when you are in charge, I put up with insults and abuse. Fear keeps me from seeing my value and importance. I forget to see me as a fellow human and expect perfection. If I’m not perfect, I give you the reigns and let you beat me with them. I can even to go as far as to think that I’m not worthy of love.
I want to feel love! I want to know what love really is! If you are in charge, I will never know. I will just keep letting you tell me that fear, anger, rage, shame, guilt, and numbness are a part of loving someone else and myself. I will let you convince me that love hurts.
Deep down, I know that’s not true. My perceptions of the world through the eyes of fear are what hurt. I’ve stayed way too long in situations because of fear of being alone or fear of what other people will think. I’ve put myself in situations that didn’t feel right because of fear of God thinking that I don’t do enough. I’ve created chaos in friend groups over fear of the outside world. None of this makes me feel good. Letting you rule things takes away my energy and makes me feel the urge to numb myself. I don’t want to feel because I forget that I can change my thinking. I convince myself I’m trapped. The only thing I’m really trapped in is my own mind. I’ve been trained to use you as my go to.
I’m ready to become fully aware of your impact on my life. I’m ready to become aware of ways to see love instead of fear. I’m ready to live without you in charge.
I’m grateful for the lessons I’ve learned— I’m ready to move on.
With Love and Gratitude,
A Better Me
Rachael Wolff ©2019
Companion Piece: 90-Day A Better Me Series: Day 3-The Power of Fear