I’m grateful for the feeling of release that comes from letting my fear, lack, and separation out on paper. I’ve learned some dangerous patterns in my life as it pertains to feelings. I’ve seen patterns of numbing, avoiding, and suppressing feelings passed down for generations. I’ve seen patterns of shame for feelings and actions that were aligned with the energy of fear, lack, and separation, which only made the energy stronger. I felt so much shame and guilt that I thought people were better off without me, yet I had a smile on my face as I pretended to be okay. It took me a long time to see that living a better life didn’t mean I spoke in shiny happy rainbow colors all the time. Just like everyone else who lives authentically, I have to FEEL THROUGH whatever challenges that come my way.
I have to face myself when I feel feelings that are aligned with fear, lack, and separation. I know the dangers of living in that energy for way too long. I know that pretending the feelings aren’t their only makes the feelings stronger. The people I love get hurt the longer I stay in this energy, because I start leaking the energy out all around me.
The best thing I can do for myself and others is to get my shit down on paper. I need to see the weeds I’ve planted in my internal garden in order to pull them out at the roots. Seeing my shadow on paper isn’t always easy, but there is something magical that happens when I see her on paper, I take away her power to destroy me. I get to exhale and the feel the release of her toxic energy on my body, mind, and soul. Let me make this very clear. We are not evil because we have a shadow, darkness, whatever you want to call it. We are human. The experiencing of feelings and having thoughts that are aligned with fear, lack, and separation isn’t EVIL. It’s a learning opportunity.
We only lose ourselves to our darkness when we refuse to look at it and take responsibility for it. When we blame others for our shadow, we make our shadow bigger and give it more power. The first step to working with our shadows in a healthy way is to recognize them. For me, recognizing mine is about physically seeing her. I do that by allowing myself to write in her voice. I feel such an amazing sense of relief getting her out of my body. It’s amazing the weight I feel when I refuse to look at her and the lessons she has to teach me about the perspectives of truth (beliefs) of mine that are still aligned with fear, lack, and separation.
I know when I feel the release, I’ve done my work. I went deep enough. I’ve seen what I was meant to see in this moment, because letting go of fear, lack, and separation happens in layers. We only get what we are equipped to face. The stronger we get, the more that is revealed. For me, this has happened in a natural progression. Anytime I’ve tried to force being ready for what I’m not ready for, I struggle and still don’t get the answers LOL. I’ve learned to trust the beautiful feeling of release to let me know that I’ve done my work. My physical sign that I’ve reached that point is this need to release a GIANT exhale. I imagine any toxic energy that I was holding onto shaking free and the exhale fully releases the blocked energy spot. AWE…release!
Today, I commit to writing down any feelings of fear, lack, and separation that I want to get out of me. I’m going to let it all come out—no filter! If I’m not willing to see it, I won’t be able to heal it. I will just keep shoving it down and it will get bigger and bigger. I’m not going to show this writing to anyone else, because it’s not for anyone else. This is my stuff. If I need to work on anything I see in what I write, I will ask for the help I need and trust whoever shows up to help me is the person intended to be there on this leg of my journey. If I have trouble knowing what my next step is, I pray. Then, I trust the path that is revealed to me. Sometimes it’s a book, person, Ted Talk, YouTube video, professional, supplement, etc. The path is always revealed as long as I’m willing to let go enough to take a step towards moving into the energy of love, abundance, and peace. Today, I’m just going to focus on getting out of my body.
One important step to this process is to DRINK A LOT OF WATER! While I’m doing this, I visualize the water flushing out the toxic build-up I’m loosening up. I see it as a physical cleansing! If you do this, don’t be surprised if your body physically releases more toxins from your body than normal.
If you would like to join me on this journey, I do have a suggestion to get started. First write down everything you associate with the word FEAR. On another page, write down everything you associate with the word LACK (not enough). Finally, write down everything you associate with the word SEPARATION. This work works for me because I’m clear about what those words mean to me. If I’m not feeling love, I’m in fear. I’m not feeling abundance, I’m in lack. If I’m not in peace, I’m feeling separation.
Here’s a little example of some of the things on my lists:
- The feeling of being frozen
- Wanting to run
- Wanting to numb
- Wanting to avoid feelings
- I don’t have what I need in this moment
- Happiness is outside of me
- I don’t have enough
- There is never enough
- I don’t want to be where I am
- I’m not enough
- Should have, would have, could have
- I’m better than
- I’m less than
- “ALL”—describing groups of people that create divides of better or worse and good or evil
- Us vs. them
- Them vs. us
- Different—when I categorize myself or situation as different and it makes me feel separate from the whole. When I use it as an excuse to stay in a low energy of being separate.
Your lists may not look like mine. It’s however you interpret the words for you. If you just use my definitions, the exercise won’t work the same if my definitions don’t fully resonate with your feelings about these words. That’s why it is SO IMPORTANT to know how YOU feel about words when you are doing inner work. If a word is a trigger word, just the word can send us down a spiral of fear, lack, and separation. The key is be be aware. It doesn’t mean someone else is wrong about their interpretations, it just means you have had different experiences that have lead you to different beliefs. As I wrote above, the word different in one way fuels my energy of separation, but used in other ways, it fuels my energy of peace.
With Love, Abundance, and Peace,
©Rachael Wolff 2021
Author of Letters from a Better Me: How Becoming an Empowered Woman Transforms the World (click title for more information, formats, and purchasing options)