I’m grateful I stopped blaming myself as a form of self-abuse. When I self-abuse, I show others that I will accept that level of abuse. Whatever I do to myself, I will attract to myself from the outside world. Self-blame is one of the ways I feed the cycle of abuse. There is a difference between being responsible and accountable and self-blaming. Self-blaming is destructive and creates negatives messages that play in our heads spinning the shame cycle. Then as we spin the self-blame story in our heads, we start igniting the revenge cycle. I will make you pay for what you did. Now, we have the abuse, shame, and revenge cycles mixing together which ignites the flame of rage. Rage is the wildfire. Once we release the rage, it is harder to pull back.
Towards ourselves, the rage can lead to actions of self-harm like cutting, glutenous eating, attempted suicide, etc—ALL INNER VIOLENCE. Towards others, the rage can look like shaming, blaming, physical violence, emotional/mental violence, racism, xenophobia, and so much more. It all begins in how our inner world looks. The more we can stop these cycles that fuel the fire, the more peaceful we are.
Taking responsibility without shaming myself with self-blame is a skill that I’ve been working on for years, but when I got it, my world truly opened up in the most beautiful of ways. When I started seeing my experiences as opportunities to learn, I was open to see that possibility for others. I believe others have the ability to change belief/perspectives of truth that keep them prisoner, just like I chose to. It’s my choice to go within and make sure I’m projecting out what I want to see more of, and the self-blame was holding me back. I found another way. I’m so incredibly grateful I found the tools to do that.
Today, I commit to taking responsibility without self-blame. In my teenage years, I learned to not blame others, but the problem was I still carried the toxic energy of fear, lack, and separation because I blamed myself. I started self-abusing and using self-blame as my weapon of choice. This was a vicious cycle. Learning to take responsibility without self-blaming was a game changer. I used to say things like, I’m so stupid, I’m a moron, I’m… Yes, I probably said it. I used to feed myself messages that I was a specific identity because I made a mistake. I would apologize a thousand times and just keep running the story of how bad I messed up in my head. Does this sound familiar to you? This is a form self-abuse.
Some of the tools I use to take responsibility without self-abusing:
- Take a minimum of three deep cleansing breaths every time a story of something I feel responsible for comes up.
- I think of mistakes, missteps, setbacks, etc. as learning experiences. I trust that my choices are meant to teach me something. This keeps me from playing victim of my choices.
- Write it out! If I think that I could have handled an event better, I might write down something like, Here’s what I learned about me… This is what I would like to try next time…
- I love to tap into where my energy is in the moment. I sit quietly to check in with myself on what my body is telling me about my energy. If it is in the energy of love, abundance, and peace, I will feel feelings associated with that energy. If it is in the energy of fear, lack, and separation, I will feel feeling associated with that energy. My body will feel expansive or retracted. If I feel I’m in the energy of fear, lack, and separation, I will ask the Divine to guide me in how to get back to love, abundance, and peace. I don’t make excuses for myself being there. I don’t get wrapped up in a story of why I’m there. I just try to find my way out.
- When I’m not ready to get out of the energy that is in fear, lack, and separation, and I want to self-blame. I just make sure to take responsibility for it and forgive myself when I’m ready to move back into love, abundance, and peace.
- I will ask myself how I would treat my best friend in this scenario, then I will respond as my best self. I know I wouldn’t want my best friend beating herself up over an opportunity to learn and grow.
- Sometimes, I will think back on my journey of all the things I’ve learned. This helps me to see I’m a work in progress.
- With others, I take responsibility for my feelings by saying, I feel __________ because ___________. I do not assign them blame, but I also let them know how I feel, so that I don’t bury it and hold it inside of me. If the person is violent or dangerous, I write letters instead then I burn them as a part of a ceremony to realize the energy I was holding onto.
I use different tools for different times. I usually lean on Divine guidance to help me figure out which one is going to keep me from self-abusing with self-blame. On Wednesday, I was a part of an amazing FREE panel that you can see by going to this link (tap to go to it) on Facebook. This gave so many amazing tools!! I’m re-watching it today to take notes, because there are DEFINITELY things I want use. Just so much amazing wisdom! I don’t want anyone to miss it if they feel drawn to watch it, again you have to trust your own Divine guidance. I will just tell you that I had chills running up and down me for most of the time. I was just so inspired!
With Love, Abundance, and Peace,
©Rachael Wolff 2021
Author of Letters from a Better Me: How Becoming an Empowered Woman Transforms the World (Click title for purchasing options and to learn more)