I’m grateful for my divergent ways of processing my experiences. When I was growing up, I thought that I was stupid because of the way I processed information. I could see possibilities everywhere. There was very rarely just one right answer. This made standardized testing very challenging for me. I’m so grateful that what was once treated like a deficiency is now one of my greatest assets. When it comes to questioning my own thoughts, it’s given me ample possibilities to choose from. I can look at which options cause me pain and which ones don’t. As a multiple trauma victim, I’ve been given plenty of excuses, justifications, rationalizations, and medical diagnoses that could have kept me a victim for a lifetime. My divergent way of processing took me down a different path, which has led me to re-wiring my brain in so many amazing ways. The most awesome part is that new brain research, modalities, and techniques for trauma therapy support the ancient wisdom.
What I’ve discovered is that I can talk myself into or out of anything convincingly. I can be my own best friend or my own worst enemy based on what thoughts I’m letting circulate over and over and the emotions that go along with them. The blessing of processing experiences divergently is that I don’t get tied to any one way of looking at a circumstance. I’ve found this to be a tremendous gift. The part that can sometimes get a little tricky is making decisions. I pray a lot in the decision making processes. Some answers will come with giant BLINKING signs that guide me down a specific path. Others, I trust that the right solution will come when I need it. If I don’t need the answer, it won’t present itself. That’s usually my sign to take my time and have faith that more information is coming to help me make a decision.
Now, if a situation calls for a convergent decision maker, I trust that one will show up to assist, and they do or I will get one of those clear BLINKING signs that light up inside me. I used to beat myself up over the way I processed my experiences. I would even beat myself up if I was processing something in a way that would be less painful for me because of what other people who were victimized felt about it. It was like I literally found away to be in pain no matter what! I’m so grateful that I realized that I don’t have to do that. I’m not here to tell people that my way is the only way that is right, it’s not. I read about so many amazing ways people process their experiences. It’s not about what is overall right or wrong. We each get to make choices on how we want to think, believe, be, react, respond, and live. I believe we are each here to play a unique role. I guess that is why I have so much faith that only the people who are meant to read or hear what I write and/or say will. If my messages don’t align in some way with a person’s journey, there will always be a reason for them not to get the seeds I offer.
When I get a seed from someone else, it goes into my divergent thinking processing kit as a possibility. It doesn’t mean I will plant the seed, but it means I can consider it as a possibility to remind me that I have choices. That is a GIANT gift. Anytime, I have another option of thinking to consider, I realize that I don’t have to be trapped in any one way of thinking.
Today, I commit to embracing my divergent ways of processing my experiences. I feel completely blessed that I don’t ever have to be stuck in a way of processing things that causes me longterm inner chaos. I can choose peaceful processing options or fear-based processing options with every story I tell myself. What I realized is that I can complicate thing as much or as little as I choose based on how much I play any repeating thought in my head. I’m the one who hits play, stop, rewind, fast forward, or pause. I have replayed some of the most painful messages in my head for decades. Then ONE day, I commit to playing a different message—ONE DAY! This is where the power of letter writing really started to take hold of the way I HELPED myself get out of any thinking that wasn’t serving me.
Now, here’s the catch—I had to first be willing to see how I was processing things currently and why that way was causing me more harm than good. So, when I first was getting started in this process, I would write a letter and let it ALL come out and it would get REALLY UGLY sometimes, but I needed to see what my darkest corners were experiencing in order to find a healthier way. I remember thinking things like, “You would be doing everyone a favor if you just weren’t here anymore.” I didn’t mean in a place, I meant in this life. I also would kill addicts I cared about a million times in my head by watching them die in some accident and then I would imagine what it would be like to pick up the pieces after. The people are all still living today, but I created complete chaos by future fear-based thinking that kept killing them in my mind over and over, talk about painful!
Putting my expectations on others has always been one of those areas I need to check myself. I don’t do this by denying how I feel. I completely acknowledge how I feel, because when I don’t, it has a way of coming out sideways and creating more pain for myself and others. I just had to watch myself do this the other day, but now because I’ve been practicing this for so long, I could look at my thinking as if I was an outside observing. I said, I’m feeling hurt, confused, unimportant, and dismissed. Then I took a deep breath, and decided to start looking at different ways I could think about the situation. Just considering other ways to process the experience helped lesson the pain I was feeling. I noticed one by one the feelings started going away and I started feeling more and more peace, love, and compassion. I started putting my energy back into abundance by looking at:
- What do I have in this moment?
- What makes me feel safe in this moment?
- What offers me peace in this moment?
- Where can I find compassion in this moment?
- How do I show love in this moment?
- How do I receive love in this moment? SHOW IT to myself!
- How do I show myself love right here and now?
Just opening myself up to processing my thoughts and emotions helps me to appreciate my divergent ways.