Why Did I Choose Him?


“The unloving person continues to blame bad luck or a series of external factors for their not having a loving relationship. Love can only be attracted by and returned by love.”

-Dr. Wayne W. Dyer, The Power of Intention: Learning to Co-create Your World Your Way p.204-205

One night, I was lying in my bed, the tears would not stop coming. I kept asking myself: Why do I keep ending up with these guys who treat me like shit? Why do I keep falling for the traps, when I see the red flags flying from a mile away? Why do I keep ignoring what my friends and family already see? After around thirty years of dating, I finally  got it. I was getting exactly what I asked for. Who would ask for this? Me. The real question is why?

Even though, I have read plenty of books on the laws of attraction and have seen it work a million times, I somehow overlooked how it worked the same way in my relationships with men. One of the key steps in attracting the things we want in life is to focus on the affirmative. That means stay away from thoughts and statements about what I don’t want. If I say, “I don’t want another addict” my thoughts are lining up with that next addict while I think that very thought. It may be a different type of addict, but guaranteed he will come into my life in some way, shape, or form.

When I didn’t believe in myself, I chose men who didn’t believe in themselves and who didn’t believe in me. They couldn’t, we were together because we both agreed not to believe in ourselves. Neither one of us could give what we didn’t have.

When I didn’t want to look at myself, I chose people who were looking to avoid themselves too. I would assign myself the role of fixing their life, and they would in turn try to fix mine or they would play the child role and let me act more like a parent.

When I was abusing myself physically, emotionally or mentally, I chose partners who would treat me the same way. My personal journey does not include physical abuse in the form of hitting, but in the form of physical self-care, or I should say, lack of care. My most severe abuse to myself was emotional and mental, which is why I projected that out in the majority of my relationships. An amazing thing happened when I changed the abusive thoughts about myself, I stopped attracting people who would reflect them back to me. I was even able to stop the pattern in a relationship that built itself around the abuse. The relationship didn’t last long after that, because as I got healthier our paths no longer connected, and the road split.

If you are anything like me, you’re asking, “OK I get it, but how do I stop doing it?”

These are the steps I took in order to put my thinking right to attract the person I TRULY wanted in my life:

  1. I wrote a list of all the things I wanted in a relationship. I was clear and specific about the partner I was looking for. I only used positive terms. Here are a few examples: Lives a healthy lifestyle, is active, is adventurous, is spontaneous, uses actions to show he cares, respects me, loves my kids, shows up for me.
  2. I became everything on my list for myself. I used the premise of Byron Katie’s “the turn around” to stop projecting what I wanted onto others and “turn it around” to me. I knew that if I wanted it in a partner, I needed to become it for myself first. Once I had my list, the tools were easy to find. I found tons of books on every subject I needed to work on, I watched videos and seminars on-line, I took notes, I attended AL-ANON, I found the right friends, and I opened my eyes to all the signs leading me in the right direction.
  3. I fell in love with myself. It was amazing how this worked. I started playing out my list and living the way I wanted to with a partner. I started to go on more adventures, engage with my kids more, become more active, talk to myself in a loving way, and the list went on. Life became beautiful.
  4. I stopped Looking! Once I became the list, I stopped looking for a man. I wasn’t missing anything in my life. My life was full and wonderful. I was happy, my children were happy, I had no complaints about the way my life looked. This was it, I was content.
  5. I opened my doors. When I first stopped looking, I thought, “This is it! This is what I want, I don’t want a man in my life. I love this freedom!” It took a little while until I opened my doors and said, “OK, if there is a person out there that could fit into my life, I will allow them in”.

Little did I know, I had already put the positive energy out there and would be getting what I asked for in a very surprising way. I had no idea that simple request for information about fishing would turn into my best adventure yet. My relationship now is exactly what I TRULY want. I respect myself, and he respects me. I take care of myself, and he takes care of himself and we work as team to take care of each other. I still feel free to be exactly who I am.

I recently went back to the list I wrote almost three years ago, and I am completely amazed how far I have come. It is possible! Invest the time in yourself and watch the miracles happen.

If this post helped you, check out my full blog: From A Loving Place. Each post offers the tools I used to transform my life. Take what feels right, and leave the rest behind. Have a transformative day!

Photo Credit: Rachael Wolff



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