To Emotional, Mental, and/or Physical Abusers:
Your pain towards yourselves is very clear. If you were healthy and happy individuals you wouldn’t feel the need to tear someone else down. This is not just to men or women in romantic relationships. This is to the bosses, co-workers, friends, parents, sons, and/or daughters who are out there intentionally hurting others.
In my days of being in an abusive relationship, I became one of you. I called names and used manipulative cunning tools to get my way or to try to one up my abuser. I couldn’t stand the words coming out of my mouth. I couldn’t stand the thoughts going through my head.They were so against my innermost nature. The truth is I hated myself. That is the way I became you. My shame, guilt and lack of self-worth made me feel like there was no other way to escape from my abuser’s verbal attacks.
I believe that people can change, because I’ve been around to see too many people who have for better and/or for worse. One can’t be true without the other. However, I know a great deal of abusers who choose not to change. If you blame ANYONE else for any of your actions, you will not change for the better.
Taking our personal issues out on others doesn’t mean we are bad people, it means we are unhealthy people. There is an issue inside that has gone unhealed, and we are projecting an unhealed part of ourselves out to the world. Does this mean victims should try to fix the person abusing them, feel pity to the point of staying, or put themselves in unsafe situations? NO!!!
The people receiving the emotional, mental, and/or physical beatings aren’t MAKING you do ANYTHING! Your actions, reactions, and feelings are on YOU! You are accountable for every word and action you put out in the world. If you were a happy and healthy person, you would project that to the world. You can’t say you are healthy then tear someone else down in the same breath. If you want to change you have to take a deep hard look at yourself. You have to be honest about how your behavior is affecting your view.You have to look at the beliefs that make it okay for you to do what you do. Everything you say about someone else is a direct reflection of the person you really are. Your darkness comes through in your words. Healthy people don’t intentionally hurt others.
I accepted abuse for way too long because I hated myself. My abuser couldn’t treat me worse than I treated myself. For every insult I was given I could match it with three. I couldn’t get out until I saw my own worth. I did the same digging. I questioned my beliefs and my behaviors. I had to truly believe that I deserved better than the treatment I was getting. When there was no question about my worth, I left.
My energy level no longer matches that of an abusers’ energy. I now love and respect myself enough to attract healthy people to my life. I know I am lovable and deserve to feel love. I am whole. Therefor, a boss, co-worker, partner, or family member who attempt to abuse me will be met with clear-stated boundaries. Most of all, I will not tear down who I am. I will continue to treat myself the way I deserve to be treated, with love.
I forgave the abusers in my life, but the most important person I forgave is myself. I treated myself horribly. I let how I felt about myself hurt other people I love. That apology was crucial, because without forgiving myself I might have let another one of you affect my inner well-being. I might have went down the shame cycle again doing things that weren’t in the best interests of myself, family, friends, and community. As long as I continue to love myself, I don’t have to take your words and actions personally, because they are just a reflection of your self-hatred. I will pray that you will one day love yourself, so that you no longer hurt the people around you. That is the only interaction I choose to have.
My goal is to stay healthy and happy so that I will not find my way back to another person like you or become you again. If I see you out there abusing others, I will call you out. I won’t do this to shame you, but in hopes that one day you will see yourself in the eyes of your victims and decide to be better. I will stand up for the victim you are hurting.
Thank you for showing me how important it is to love myself and not believe other people’s opinions of me. Anything I want others to feel about me, I have to feel for myself first. Your actions forced me to move and make the changes I needed in order to have a life I’m proud to be living.
Please, if you find that you are having any thoughts of hurting others, get help. There is a healthier way to live that doesn’t involve anyone having to suffer, including you. We have to stop taking the way we feel inside out on others, and the ONLY way to do that is to get honest with ourselves so that we can heal.
With Forgiveness, Empowerment and Gratitude,
A Better Me
Rachael Wolff ©2020, 2018
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