Today is a very exciting day for me. I love audiobooks, and today mine comes out. It feels surreal. The narrator is the wonderful, Kate Mulligan. Her voice is the perfect fit for this book. You can hear a sample when you click on the link.
To Emotional, Mental, and/or Physical Abusers:
Your pain towards yourselves is very clear. If you were healthy and happy individuals you wouldn’t feel the need to tear someone else down. This is not just to men or women in romantic relationships. This is to the bosses, co-workers, friends, parents, sons, and/or daughters who are out there intentionally hurting others.
In my days of being in an abusive relationship, I became one of you. I called names and used manipulative cunning tools to get my way or to try to one up my abuser. I couldn’t stand the words coming out of my mouth. I couldn’t stand the thoughts going through my head.They were so against my innermost nature. The truth is I hated myself. That is the way I became you. My shame, guilt and lack of self-worth made me feel like there was no other way to escape from my abuser’s verbal attacks.
I believe that people can change, because I’ve been around to see too many people who have for better and/or for worse. One can’t be true without the other. However, I know a great deal of abusers who choose not to change. If you blame ANYONE else for any of your actions, you will not change for the better.
Taking our personal issues out on others doesn’t mean we are bad people, it means we are unhealthy people. There is an issue inside that has gone unhealed, and we are projecting an unhealed part of ourselves out to the world. Does this mean victims should try to fix the person abusing them, feel pity to the point of staying, or put themselves in unsafe situations? NO!!!
The people receiving the emotional, mental, and/or physical beatings aren’t MAKING you do ANYTHING! Your actions, reactions, and feelings are on YOU! You are accountable for every word and action you put out in the world. If you were a happy and healthy person, you would project that to the world. You can’t say you are healthy then tear someone else down in the same breath. If you want to change you have to take a deep hard look at yourself. You have to be honest about how your behavior is affecting your view.You have to look at the beliefs that make it okay for you to do what you do. Everything you say about someone else is a direct reflection of the person you really are. Your darkness comes through in your words. Healthy people don’t intentionally hurt others.
I accepted abuse for way too long because I hated myself. My abuser couldn’t treat me worse than I treated myself. For every insult I was given I could match it with three. I couldn’t get out until I saw my own worth. I did the same digging. I questioned my beliefs and my behaviors. I had to truly believe that I deserved better than the treatment I was getting. When there was no question about my worth, I left.
My energy level no longer matches that of an abusers’ energy. I now love and respect myself enough to attract healthy people to my life. I know I am lovable and deserve to feel love. I am whole. Therefor, a boss, co-worker, partner, or family member who attempt to abuse me will be met with clear-stated boundaries. Most of all, I will not tear down who I am. I will continue to treat myself the way I deserve to be treated, with love.
I forgave the abusers in my life, but the most important person I forgave is myself. I treated myself horribly. I let how I felt about myself hurt other people I love. That apology was crucial, because without forgiving myself I might have let another one of you affect my inner well-being. I might have went down the shame cycle again doing things that weren’t in the best interests of myself, family, friends, and community. As long as I continue to love myself, I don’t have to take your words and actions personally, because they are just a reflection of your self-hatred. I will pray that you will one day love yourself, so that you no longer hurt the people around you. That is the only interaction I choose to have.
My goal is to stay healthy and happy so that I will not find my way back to another person like you or become you again. If I see you out there abusing others, I will call you out. I won’t do this to shame you, but in hopes that one day you will see yourself in the eyes of your victims and decide to be better. I will stand up for the victim you are hurting.
Thank you for showing me how important it is to love myself and not believe other people’s opinions of me. Anything I want others to feel about me, I have to feel for myself first. Your actions forced me to move and make the changes I needed in order to have a life I’m proud to be living.
Please, if you find that you are having any thoughts of hurting others, get help. There is a healthier way to live that doesn’t involve anyone having to suffer, including you. We have to stop taking the way we feel inside out on others, and the ONLY way to do that is to get honest with ourselves so that we can heal.
With Forgiveness, Empowerment and Gratitude,
A Better Me
Rachael Wolff ©2020, 2018
7 Days Until the Release of Letters from a Better Me!
For those who want to read Letters from a Better Me, but can’t afford to buy a copy, or are scared to have it in your house, you can ask your local library to carry it.
Dear Social Media Users,
I know this seems hard to believe, but many of us have been used as a form of narcissist abuse. Many of us have read articles on what narcissists do and we cringe thinking about the poor women, men, and children who have had to suffer at the hands of a narcissist.
The stories might even hit us closer to home. It might have been our family, our friends, or us who is or was the people/person being abused. There are different levels of narcissism, and Narcissist Personality Disorder (NPD), isn’t easily diagnosed. Yet people with NPD have an amazing tool with social media to continue their extended abuse.
The worst part is we are trained to accept and perpetuate abuse in our society when we are asked to quickly judge women, men, politicians, celebrities, athletes, victims, alleged perpetrators, religious organizations, ethnic backgrounds, businesses, etc. We are so quick to judge that we forget to dig deeper. We post things without investigating to see the background of what we post. We leave comments and emojis, likes, and loves on posts, which are actually perpetuating the problem and making it easier for a narcissist to abuse their victims.
We are actually becoming the very thing that many of us are so sick of seeing. We who were once victims have become perpetrators of hate, fear, and condemnation and many of us do this blindly. We may think we are being a friend, patriot, or fighting for what we stand against. We have become a person who contributes to a narcissist’s playground.
Narcissists love making themselves the victims and making their actual victims the villain. Part of their M.O. is that they turn everyone they can against the actual victim of their abuse. They will do whatever it takes to destroy the reputation of the their victim. They try to turn the victim’s family, friends, employers, and communities against them. Now, do see how social media is a narcissist’s playground
Healthy people don’t intentionally do things to hurt others. SLOW DOWN, think about what you’re reacting to. It may sound like something you went through, it may trigger you because a friend is posting it, it may sound like you once felt. Just stop and think before you respond to any posts that engage in tearing someone else down on a personal or public level.
I know that most people reading this are good people caught up in societal webs made of judgment. I’m not above it either. Here is just one example, I’ve laughed at a person I thought was drunk on a viral video. Through research I found out the poor woman who has been going through hell in her personal life actually had heat stroke. I was so quick to judge her because it looked like someone in my past who was messed up on drugs and alcohol. Luckily, because I have been the victim of an abuser using social media to TRY to hurt me, I investigated and found out the truth. I was horrified that even after showing proof of what happened, the person showing the video could let it continue to go viral after knowing what this poor woman was actually going through. That is when I saw how easy it is to get caught in this web.
If you post hateful, uninvestigated, and cruel comments on social media, I won’t engage and perpetuate this problem. I won’t be apart of the energy that is allowing victims to keep getting abused. I commit to investigating claims before I show my support. My mission is to swing the pendulum towards love. I commit to spreading the energy I want to see more of in the world on social media. I’m committed to share the best that humanity has to offer.
With Love and Gratitude,
A Better Me
Rachael Wolff ©2020,2018
12 Days Until the Release of Letters from A Better Me
#NarcissisticAbuse #Abuse #SocialMedia #ABetterMe
Here are a few other pieces about narcissistic abuse (click on the links to go to the piece):
To the People who Refer to Themselves as Stupid:
We all make mistakes! Mistakes are missteps, detours, and/or stepping stones to growth (as long as we learn from them). They definitely don’t make us stupid. We may try things and fail again and again. You are still not stupid. You may turn to drugs or alcohol thinking you can escape and find out it only makes everything worse. You are still not stupid. Our self-talk defines what feels normal from someone else. How we talk to ourselves makes it okay for someone else to talk to us however we are talking to ourselves. Make sure it’s good. Our self-talk can be the reason we can’t accept compliments if we don’t believe we deserve them.
You deserve more than calling yourself names. You deserve more than others calling you names. The first step to living better begins with cleaning up your self-talk. If you aren’t going to do it, you will never be able to feel the full appreciation others have for you, because your focus is on the people who treat you the same way you treat yourself. You have lived and survived many lessons in your life. You deserve to be proud of yourself for still being here. You can take life’s circumstances and learn from them. This doesn’t mean you will do this or anything else in life perfectly, because none of us our perfect. Why are you holding yourself to a standard that you don’t hold anyone else to?
We simply make choices and we have the ability to make a better choices for ourselves in every moment that passes us. Don’t focus on the future or the past. Don’t worry about where this choice will get you or what has happened before. In this moment, make the best choice that you can make. When you make a choice that brings you joy, celebrate it. When you make a choice that brings you pain, learn from it. Don’t be a prisoner by using your choices as a tool to beat yourself up.
When you feel stupid for the choice you made, write it down, then right down three better choices. Figure out what is creating you to want to make the unhealthy choices, and then forgive yourself. Thank the Universe for the learning experience. Reframing will help you stop beating yourself up. You are worth your own kindness. When we are not kind to ourselves, we allow others to walk on us. We lie down and become a doormat willingly because we don’t have the self-worth to say something. We try to prove our worth to others by doing for them what they can do for themselves. This still doesn’t make us stupid. We are doing the best we can do in every moment.
Today, commit to making choices that make you feel good inside. Today, do something for yourself that makes you feel valuable. Try looking in the mirror and saying, “I’m not stupid, I’m learning.” Say it until you believe it. When you do, your reality will shift for the better.
With Love and Gratitude,
A Better Me
Rachael Wolff © 2020, 2017
15 Days Until the Release of Letters from A Better Me!
Other purchasing options can be found here: https://fromalovingplace.com/book/
PERSPECTIVE: I’M STUPID, UGLY, AND UNLOVABLE
When we label ourselves, we will do, think, and feel things to prove the label true. When we choose words that coming from someone else would be considered bullying or abusive, we are bullying and abusing ourselves. If it’s normal to treat ourselves that way, wouldn’t it feel normal coming from someone else? Let me answer that for you, YES!!!! If we want to be treated better by others, we have to treat ourselves with the love and respect that we deserve. If we don’t, we can’t expect others to know how we want to be treated. Worse than that, we would think the people treating us better were lying or up to something. Yes, we would self-sabotage the good stuff trying to come into our lives. So, today’s challenge is a VERY important one.
We can’t change other people, but we can change ourselves and what we bring to any given situation. When I stopped abusing myself, my unhealthy relationships with others shifted and changed. Some I happily walked away from, and others were redefined because of the new perspectives I chose to live by. I also started noticing how truly amazing some of the people around me really were, because now I was in a place to accept their goodness.
What labels are you carrying around that are working against you? Anything that makes you feel small or little is restricting your potential and your ability to have healthy relationships. If you notice repeated patterns in your relationships with others, it’s time to check-in with how you are treating yourself.
TODAY’S PERSPECTIVE CHALLENGE
Make a list of all the negative labels you’ve given yourself and write a positive label that you would like to take its place. If you struggle with accepting the positive label, look deeper and talk to yourself like you would talk to a friend. Be the friend to yourself that you want to have in someone else. This one challenge could be the first step in changing the trajectory of your life.
Have a perspective-filled day!
With Love and Gratitude,
Rachael Wolff ©2019
If you are a woman ready to make 2020 your best year, LETTERS FROM A BETTER ME: HOW BECOMING AN EMPOWERED WOMAN TRANSFORMS THE WORLD is available for pre-order in paperback, ebook, and audiobook. You can find a list of book retailers here.
BOOKS THAT GAVE ME SEEDS TO THRIVE (Click link for the introduction to the series)
Power: Surviving & Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse by Shahida Arabi was one of THE most important books I ever read to complete my healing from narcissistic abuse. For me, it was the final piece of the puzzle that I couldn’t understand. I had no idea how calculated narcissistic abuse was. She would say thing that were said to me verbatim. All the research studies I read didn’t cover that. I remember listening to the audiobook and just sitting there with my mouth opened as I listened to what seemed like old memories. Arabi helps the reader detach from the part of ourselves that wants to play rescuer, at least that is what she did for me.
After reading this book it was much easier for me to stick to my healthy boundaries and create a healthy distance. When I was coming out of the haze of narcissistic abuse I had a lot of resources I was using to build my self-worth, heal, and find my inner peace. So many of the tools I used were mentioned in this book, which is why I recommend it to ANY person coming out of or still in a relationship with someone who could possibly be a narcissist or sociopath.
Power: Surviving & Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse is available on audiobook and paperback and I have both. If you are the beginning of your recovery, you will definitely want to read this book multiple times. My wish is that people read the book all the way through because there are so many jewels of wisdom throughout and it will help you thrive if you do the work.
There were many passages in this book that gave me seeds to thrive, so picking one quote is very challenging. I keep going back and worth on which one to do. So here’s what I landed on, because this was the piece of the puzzle that was missing from my recovery before reading this book.
Favorite Quote from Power
(click on the book title to check out the book for yourself)
“It’s not that they can’t help it, or that they’re utterly helpless to their disorder—it’s that they selectively choose which victims to devalue and discard, and those victims ten to be loved ones.”-Shahida Arabi, Power: Surviving & Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse, p. 99
With Love and Gratitude,
Catch up on Your Feel-Good Friday Book Series Here:
How we use are minds to go through the remembering process of trauma can be a powerful tool to help launch us forward, or a cruel weapon to keep us down. What many don’t understand is the choice is ours. Our perception is our power. We can use it to lift ourselves up or to beat ourselves down. We get to choose thoughts of love or fear as we travel back in time. This is no easy task when the trauma is severe. Processing through the lens of love doesn’t mean that the memories won’t make us cry. The difference is when we process the memories through a lens of love—the tears ignite our souls. When we process the trauma through fear—we run into our darkness.
How We Live is How We Remember
When we choose to live in our darkness (fear), we immerse ourselves in the fear, anger, rage, hate, resentment, greed, envy, and separation within us and in the world around us. Our energy attracts like energy, so we are drawn to seeing the darkness in others. We act as magnets because we need to keep pulling in examples of why the stories are valid. We live in a place of separation from ourselves, others, and the Universe.
When we choose to live in our light (love), we immerse ourselves in the love, compassion, empathy, joy, forgiveness, wholeness, and inclusion within us and in the world. We connect to the best in humanity. We attract the light in others. We are making the stories we are telling ourselves valid and we are connected to ourselves, others, and the Universe.
Can we fake it? On the outside, yes, but our magnetic pull comes from deep inside us. When we are not honest about seeing our own darkness, we may attract the wolves in sheep’s clothing (narcissists, abusers, sociopaths, etc.). We are running and we will be handed lesson after hard lesson to try to help us to move into the light, but as long as we keep telling ourselves to live in the fear, we stay in the dark.
Why is How We Remember Trauma Important?
The stories that play in our heads about our past experiences are more powerful than most people realize. Our memory of trauma can ignite buried feelings of shame, guilt, and fear that internally contribute to feelings of unworthiness, abandonment, and separation. There is a piece of us that may feel completely unlovable from the shame attached to an unhealed trauma. When we engage and swim in those feelings, they will permeate into our everyday lives and affect everything we touch. One unhealed trauma can lead to a life filled with resentment and separation, which often times leads to unhealthy addictions. Remember, like attracts like. When we hide from our own darkness, we are living in our shadow. We are caught in that dark tunnel of our minds.
Here’s the awesome part, all it takes is one seed of light to come in and spread in order to help us start lighting our pathway out. That seed can come from a person, book, posting, place, event, video, story, meditation, therapy session, church service, tree, flower, etc.? That one thing can help us see more light. Eventually if we keep taking one step at a time out of our own mental prison, we become the light.
When we can look back at trauma without feeling the dread and hopelessness, but instead see what we learned from experiencing the trauma without the blame, guilt, and shame—we stop paying the steep price of living in the dark. We start finding hope in what was once madness. We see the strength in the survival. We begin realizing that we are not the traumas we survived. Our worth was there before learning the important lesson in life that the trauma taught us. Now, WE RISE in LOVE. This is where the best solutions come from. Remembering the trauma becomes a tool to help us live better and wiser. With that, we become the light.
This isn’t an overnight process, and some of us may need a lot more help than others. There are plenty of tools and people out there to help. If remembering past traumas feels like a weight, here’s my suggestion to you:
Get out a Post-It, 3×5 card, or a piece a paper. Write down: “How do I become the best version of me?” Keep this question close to you, and be open to see, feel, and hear the answers. If you hear the same advice multiple times, you can guarantee the Universe is trying to help you. Pay attention if people recommend specific books, therapists, practices, exercises, videos, articles, meditations, mindfulness practices, gratitude journals, courses, church services, foods, etc. Just be open! Our worst enemy is a mind living in fear. Our greatest ally is a mind living in love. Be conscious of where your mind is.
With Love and Gratitude,
Rachael Wolff ©2019
If anyone has ever had an addict, abuser, narcissist, or someone with mental illness in your lives, you may have asked, prayed, and cried over this question. If the person above is you, you may have asked, “How can I stop…?” Then, “How do I make them stop?” can be the question that follows trying to make the problem someone else’s. Either way, How do I make them stop, is a trap that weaves us into an unhealthy spiral. The answer is, we can’t change another person. We can only better ourselves so we stop making ourselves responsible for others and making them responsible for what is going on inside of us.
Is This Person Capable of Changing the Way I want them to?
Understand that the person may not be capable of helping himself/ herself without getting intensive support from trained professionals, and that can only happen if he/she is open and willing to receive it. No one can force another person to change. A person can’t get better for another person. I know his is a VERY hard pill to swallow. I’ve been down this road time and time again, and I stayed sick because of it. We can’t MAKE, threaten, or condemn a person to change for us. A person’s unhealthy patterns could have started from the moment they were brought into this world. The willpower a person has to have in order to change behavior and thought patterns that feel normal to their reality and survival isn’t easy. These thoughts and behaviors can be so imbedded that they have created neural pathways to support the unhealthy behaviors. It takes intensive work to change any neural pathways and when your thoughts are fighting to keep what feels normal alive, it is a very long and painful process.
How Easy Is it to Change What Isn’t Good for ME?
I want you to think about all the things you tell yourself you should do to live a healthier life:
- I need to exercise more.
- I need to eat better.
- I need to stop attaching myself to unhealthy people.
- I need to drink more water.
- I need to get out of my head.
- I need to spend more time with my family.
- I need to spend more time on self-care.
- I need to make time for meditation.
- I need to drink less.
Those are just a few examples. Can you instantly add/do everything that is good for you? Do you still choose to do things that aren’t benefitting your mental, spiritual, and physical health? Let’s just make sure we keep that in mind when we are expecting someone else to change. In order to make lifestyle changes, we have to fully commit. If any of us are struggling with ANY kind of low self-esteem, self-image, and/or self-worth, like I’ve mentioned in my previous posts, we will sabotage ourselves and our progress. Take time to imagine the person who is so imbedded in their unhealthy patterns, we don’t get that way if we are positive and healthy individuals. Healthy people who have a healthy self-concept, along with healthy patterns of thought and behavior, don’t hurt others or themselves intentionally. Most of us at one point or another let our own unhealthy patterns take control. If we are willing to look and take responsibility for our thoughts and behaviors, we have the power to get better. Some people with severe mental illness aren’t psychologically capable of taking responsibility and/or they don’t have the willpower it takes to make the changes we want to see in them at the moment we want to see them. If we are dealing with people in extreme cases, they may not be capable of making the changes we want to see. The best thing we can do for ourselves and them is not blame them for this, but make the necessary changes in our lives to put our self-care first. We are the ones we will live and die with.
How Am I Choosing to Live My Life?
If we are under the assumption that it will take someone else changing in order for us to be happy and healthy, we have our own work to do. We aren’t capable of rescuing someone else from his/ her own unhealthy patterns, but we are capable of rescuing ourselves. Just like them, we have to be willing and open to see and take responsibility for our own unhealthy thought and behavior patterns. Some of our own patterns have been imbedded since birth, so it can take some intensive work to see them. Just the expectation of someone else needing to change for us to be happy, is a thought pattern that we use to hurt ourselves. We put the power in their hands, just like they may be doing to us, when they use us as an excuse to behave like they are. We can’t make them act and think like they do, and we can’t make them responsible for thinking and acting like we do.
How am I (Rachael Wolff) Qualified to Talk About This?
People who know the dark place I was in ask me how I got better, and the answer is that I invested in myself. I fixed the one person that I could. I’m not a do as I say, not as I do kind of person. I’ve spent thirty years working on breaking my unhealthy patterns. I’ve gone down some long treacherous rabbit holes in search of feeling lovable and happy and I came out on the other side of my own darkness. I write about how I got myself out of toxic situations, how my education in psychology, human development, sociology, and cultural anthropology have assisted me in being able to put my experiences down on paper in away that can assist others on their paths. I’ve tried and failed at so many attempts to change myself and others, until after a myriad of lessons, I found the path that changed my life—The path to me. I’ve had plenty of help along the way.
The Path of Self-Discovery
When we stop asking and praying for the answer to “How do I change them?” and start asking, “How do I become the best version of me?”— We gain the power to transform our lives.
We get sent sign after sign of ways to better ourselves. How do I know this will happen? How do I know that this works? Because it’s the path I took and still take daily. Here are just a few of the AMAZING benefits of taking the path of self-discovery:
- I learned to say, NO, without needing to apologize for it.
- I’ve established healthy boundaries with unhealthy individuals.
- I’ve learned how to assess when and how long to stay in relationships and situations in order to learn what I need to learn.
- I’ve learned that the people who wander onto my path are supposed to teach me something or learn something from me.
- I found my authentic joy in nature.
- I’ve found what grounds me, inspires me, and lifts my spirits.
- I’ve learned how to live connected to Divine love.
- I learned that the only person that NEEDS to love me—Is me!
Do I Want to Help or Enable?
You are free to keep asking questions like:
- How do I make them stop?
- How do I make them happy?
It took me at least fifteen years on the path to begin to stop going to these questions, because they were my autopilot response to other people’s unhealthy choices. I can still slip into asking myself these questions when it comes to my kids. From time to time, when I see them suffering from things out of my control, it hurts and I want to make it better. It’s still not the right questions. What I learned is the best thing we can do for anyone else is to be our best selves, so that is what we project onto others. Our positive energy that we exude may be what helps them to make better choices for themselves. It’s not about preaching or telling them what they aren’t doing right. We simply show them what it looks like to make positive choices for ourselves. I’m amazed how quickly someone who is trapped in their own unhealthy patterns can spot us in ours. The opposite is true too. When we are healthy and another person is trapped in their own darkness, they will either be attracted to us because they are seeking to change, or they will feel a force driving them away from us because they don’t want to or are not capable of making healthy changes in that moment. I’ve talked about this before in previous posts.
When we do things for the wrong reasons, we will start enabling instead of really helping someone else be responsible and accountable if they are capable of doing so. Most us are capable and are just stuck in unhealthy patterns. We can’t make anyone else feel, think, or do anything. How they respond to us is based on the messages that are swirling around in their heads. What we can change is what is swirling around in ours.
Self-Discovery Is Not a Quick Fix
Self-discovery is not the easy path. There is no pill or quick fix on this path that will help us. We have to be willing to dive deep. We can’t hide from ourselves if we want to discover how to heal ourselves. We can’t numb our guilt and shame. We have to face it and heal from it. The path of self-discovery is worth the challenges we will face. One of the greatest rewards is we question our thinking when we ask the unanswerable questions and start getting solutions from a healthy place. We gain the power to stop the unhealthy thought and behavior patterns as we make better choices.
With Love and Gratitude,
Rachael Wolff ©2019
If you are ready to dive in, check out the FREE 90-Day A Better Me Series.
If you are a woman and want a book specifically for you, Letters from A Better Me: How Becoming an Empowered Woman Transforms the World is available to pre-order (click on the link over the title to find out more on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Books-A-Million, or Indiebound.org).
3 Ways to Remove the Clutter that Self-Abuse Creates
Self-abuse is one of the many ways our self-hate, low self-esteem, lack of worth, and negative self-image manifest themselves. We create clutter both inwardly and outwardly when we don’t become self-aware of how we are treating ourselves. This doesn’t help us lead productive lives. This doesn’t help us stay away from the chaos and drama that surrounds us. The more we hate ourselves and treat ourselves with disrespect, the more chaos and drama we will attract to our lives. The clutter in our minds is fuel for the fear, hate, shame, guilt, and violence that is spreading in and around us.
If we want things to get better around us, we have to start within us. Our energy that we put into the world comes from the energy we are feeding ourselves daily. If we want to stop the abuse, we have to stop creating a space where we are apart of the problem. Self-abuse is not helping us or anyone else! When we self-abuse we are showing others that it’s okay to disrespect us, walk on us, and treat us as if we have no value. Many times people don’t even know that that is the way we feel, because our own behaviors have led them to believe that what they are doing is acceptable.
For years, I wanted to be the victim of my own thinking. I found a sick pleasure in being the doormat, but what I didn’t want to see is that I laid down in front of the person who chose to walk across my back. I was trying to find my value because I hated myself so much that I just gave myself away over and over expecting someone to see what I couldn’t. Our lack of value clutters our minds and distorts our realities into believing that we are trapped and that we can’t stop what is happening to us. Just the thought is self-sabotaging and attracts more of what we don’t want.
When my mind is cluttered, it spreads into my personal spaces. I’ve had my bed so covered in stuff that I have barely been able to fit on it to sleep. That’s when I know I have some real cleaning to do. The last time my bed was like that I dove head-first into figuring out how and why I kept sabotaging myself. It was time for me to look at how I was treating myself.
Here are three ways you can help yourself:
1. Become Aware of the Clutter —INVENTORY NEGATIVE MESSAGES
- How do you talk to yourself when you are looking in the mirror?
- What do you think about all your features?
- What do you think about the person you are?
- How do you feel about how your life looks to you when you look in the mirror?
- How do you talk to yourself when you make a mistake for the first time?
- How do you talk to yourself when you’ve repeated a mistake?
This inventory won’t be done in one sitting. As life situations come up, see how you are talking to yourself:
- Are you calling yourself names?
- Are you criticizing yourself?
- Are you beating yourself with an emotional 2×4?
Just to give you an idea, life situations can still hit me off-guard from time to time and I go back through these steps in order to keep my headspace clean and clutter free.
2. Cleaning out the Clutter—INSIDE AND OUT
- Start a self-love Journal —Pick a number of days you will commit 35, 45, and/or 90 days. Each day write a minimum of three things you like about yourself. Here’s a hint, if you spot certain positive qualities in others it’s usually because you have them yourself. Do your best not to repeat, especially in the beginning. As you see more and more things you like about yourself, then you can start reusing ones that you are really connecting to.
- Clean up your physical clutter—Start with a drawer and just keep going. Throw away what you don’t need. Pitch, sell, or donate the things that are just taking up space in your life. Make space for what you want more of in your life. Remember, clear space is peaceful space.
3. Keep the Space Clean—STAY AWARE OF WHERE YOUR MIND GOES
- Living in gratitude is the best way to keep your space clean. Anytime our minds go to lack, deprivation, fear, hate, blame, etc. we are creating more clutter.
- Watch your reactions to people. I find this one entertaining. If a person’s actions work you up: First question your own thinking about what is happening to see if you are fully aware of where your reaction is coming from. Second, I imagine the person saying or doing whatever it is to themselves. Our negative behaviors start from how we are treating ourselves, so we can gain clarity about the situation if we are not taking the person personally. This doesn’t mean we have to accept unacceptable behavior. We just don’t add our own clutter. How someone treats us shows us their love or fear that they are internally dealing with. How we respond to them shows us where we are.
- Stop the Cycle of abuse. If you see, hear, or feel abusive thoughts about yourself come up, correct them and clean up your self-talk. Treat yourself with love, respect, loyalty, honesty, and compassion. We have to have it inside us before we have a chance of cleaning up what’s around us.
- Give from a Loving Place. This means you are giving because you want to, not because you think it will make you worthy of someone else’s time, affection, love, respect, etc.
Side effects of these steps are: sleep better, eat healthier, enjoy self-care, kinder thoughts, less judgmental towards others, more compassionate, attract healthier people to our personal and professional lives, more opportunities to do good in the world, appreciate peace, and so many more.
With Love and Gratitude,
Did what you just read resonate with you? I hope you will explore FromALovingPlace.com and keep reading. I’ll be bringing a new series to the blog starting September 1, 2019. If you are not following along, make sure to sign-up below.
For my female readers, I have EXCITING news! Letters from A Better Me: How Becoming an Empowered Woman Transforms the World is available for pre-order! Click the link to order your copy today!
I’m excited to inform you that I’ve been through each day of the FREE 90-Day A Better Me Series and the 90-Day A Better Me Letters Series and now BOTH series are fully available on FromALovingPlace.com. I provided links on each day for easy navigation through every piece of the series. Now that the series is complete, it makes it easier to read like you would a book. Whether you are reading the series again, like some of you have told me you are, or you are new to the 90-Day A Better Me journey, I hope you enjoy it. It was a pleasure to write it and an even greater pleasure to talk with the followers of both series.
Now, I need to go and focus on the editing my book coming out at the end of 2019. If you want to stay in the loop, make sure to subscribe to e-mails. Thank you for all the readers, followers, and commenters. I appreciate each and every one of you!!
Here at the direct links to both series:
With Love and Gratitude,
Rachael Wolff ©2019