Many would agree that turning conflict into connection is an impossible task in the state of the world right now, but it’s in times like these I “Find the helpers” as Fred Rogers would say. I remember to look at the people who accomplished what seemed to be the impossible in times of division and struggle.

Finding the Helpers

I once interviewed a man named Fred Guttenberg on a Heart Wisdom Panel. He wrote the book, Find the Helpers: What 9/11 and Parkland Taught Me About Recovery, Purpose, and Hope. His daughter was murdered in the Parkland, FL mass school shooting on on February 14, 2018. Reading his book in preparation for the interview reminded me of the importance of looking for the helpers. In times of chaos and confusion, they are always there. Sometimes we are honored enough to hear their stories. I’m so incredibly grateful to find them.

When it comes to turning conflict into connection, my first thought always goes to Daryl Davis. Anytime I feel like getting inspiration on this topic, I go instantly to footage of him. I’ve shared links before, because he truly is the epitome of mastering this art. There is plenty of news footage on Daryl Davis, but one of my favorite things to watch is his Ted X Talk called, “Why I, as a black man, attend KKK rallies.” He didn’t sway KKK members to see his way of thinking. He didn’t beat them over the head with why what they believe is wrong. He approached them with curiosity simply being himself.

Through his humanness, he befriended multiple people who were embedded in the beliefs that he was a threat just for the color of his skin. We can easily translate this across any lines of division. So many of us hold onto beliefs that create division both within and with others, and we don’t even consciously acknowledge the beliefs are the problem.

Daryl Davis did what so many of us neglect to do when we have different beliefs than someone else. He faced his haters in person and asked questions. He truly wanted to understand the hate. Multiple KKK members ended up leaving the organization once they discovered their beliefs weren’t serving them the way they once believed they did.

His method of turning conflict into connection has had a direct influence on my life, my writing, and my approach when people don’t share my same belief systems. I truly want to understand the how and why a person is choosing to live in the energy of fear, lack, and separation.

There are so many go-to examples like Jesus, Mother Teresa, the Buddha, Gandhi, Viktor Frankl, and Martin Luther King, Jr. Each one of them offers an ample number of examples of turning conflict into connection, yet I’ve also seen people try to use them as weapons to hold onto their beliefs of hate and division. We are all human, we give strength to whatever we focus on. I choose to see the energy of love, abundance, and peace when I read about all these historical figures. I’ve found SO MANY helpers, these are just a few of the well known.

It’s important to find the helpers that resonate with the messages of our souls. The helpers above are my instant reminders to turn my energy to love, abundance, and peace over fear, lack, and separation. They might not be the same for you.

Finding our own soul helpers can’t be about what someone else preaches to us. It can’t be people telling us we HAVE TO believe. What I mean is that if a person or Being creates the energy of fear, lack, and separation within us, they are not the right helpers at this time. For example, people who fear Jesus, God, religious ideology, etc. aren’t going to see the messages of love, abundance, and peace clearly, because fear, shame, anger and/or guilt keep them from being in the energy of love, abundance, and peace. Because we give power to what we focus on, we will turn to messages of fear, lack, and separation if that is in the core belief.

The key to finding the helpers that best serve our souls is to watch where our energy goes when we listen to their messages. The second I hear the stories of Daryl Davis, my heart opens up in ways that I can’t even put into words. Sometimes, I’m crying my eyes out of complete AWE.

Who are your helpers?

How Our Beliefs Keep Us from Connecting

Our beliefs are perspectives. They are one way to look at things. They’re not the only way to look at things. Once our egos kick in, and we insist on our own way, we are destined to create conflict. I’ve noticed this in my own life so many times.

We will never get out of our own way until we recognize and are open to differing perspectives. This is why I love using the garden analogy to represent our inner worlds. We all have our own gardens to tend. Whatever we feed grows. Whatever we neglect dies and grows weeds in its place. It’s nobody’s job to figure out what to plant, nurture, and weed in our gardens—it’s our job!

I’ve yet to see a human not have some weeds in their gardens, but many of us don’t understand that it’s in our power to weed things out that don’t belong in our gardens anymore. Oftentimes they’re beliefs that generations of family members passed down. Sometimes it’s religious beliefs that were used to make one group of people feel like they were better or less than another group of people. Sometimes it was our teachers.

It’s not all or nothing either, sometimes we embrace beliefs from a person that come from the energy of love, abundance, and peace and others from the energy of fear, lack, and separation.

We are all human, and we are feeding one energy or the other at any given moment. I have plenty of places I go in my head that align me with the energy of fear, lack, and separation. It’s simply being aware of them, and recognizing how they are affecting how we are processing things that’s important.

One of the things I try to embed into my brain when I’m seeing conflict unfold is that I can’t change anyone else. If they want to change, it has to be their choice. They have to see how their beliefs are affecting them, just like I have to see how my beliefs are affecting me.

My mom used to love to remind me that when I said I hated prejudice people, I’m still being prejudice. I’m still in the exact energy that the prejudice people are in—HATE. All hate comes from a lack of understanding and fear. It’s the accumulation of the energy of fear, lack, and separation. If I hate someone or anything, I’m fully engaged in the energy of fear, lack, and separation in that moment. The only person who has power to change the energy I’m putting out there is me.

Be aware of your beliefs!

Turning Conflict into Connection

Once we can get to a place where we can align our own energy with love, abundance, and peace, we have the potential to turn conflict into connection. I say potential, because we can’t change anyone else. I’m always amazed though what approaching someone from the energy of love, abundance, and peace can do.

If we’re in conflict, we aren’t seeing where other people are from a place of respect. We are seeing the other person through eyes of separation. If we want to connect, we have to find the things that connect us—start there.

• They’re human, right? That means they have family.
• What inspires them to want to do good in the world? This will tell you a lot! If people are influenced by fear and shaming tactics, it feels familiar to them. They may be attracted to influencers that feel familiar in that way.
• What and/or who do they love? What does that love look like?

Ask whatever questions you can that help you feel connected to them. This will help you approach the conflict with curiosity and see their humanness.

When in conflict, stick to facts, questions, and clarifications.

If we start feeling like we are victims of the other person’s beliefs, it’s much harder to connect. Their beliefs aren’t about us. They were there way before we entered this moment with us. There is conflict because there are conflicting beliefs.

The more we can depersonalize other people’s beliefs, the better chance we have at connecting through the differences. The more we connect, the better chance we have of getting them to see the potential of another belief. Honestly, sometimes it’s our strong held beliefs that could use a little weeding out. Making connections helps us see what’s ours and what’s theirs.

Sometimes through connection in conflict, we can agree to disagree without losing respect for each other. If that’s not the case, remember no person can MAKE you embrace the energy of fear, lack, and separation. Sometimes walking away is essential and necessary. I’ll talk a lot more about that next week.

Does This Help?

If what I talk about helps, please let me know. If there are other topics you want me to cover, let me know.

Until Next time, I wish You Love, Abundance, and Peace.