Just when I thought I was done with PTSD, I found new growth on the strangling vine that kept me prisoner for so long.

I’ve done a lot of work in my inner garden around my past narcissistic abuse by an addict. I’ve created many healthy boundaries in my life to reduce risks of being triggered. I’m very careful about the people I invite into my life.

In my upcoming book, Tending Your Inner Garden, I talk about the how words can trigger us. It’s been a long time since I felt so triggered by a word that it created a visceral reaction in my body. It took some time for me to even understand how hard I was hit.

“You were a slut!” the drunken party guest injects into my story when there was no talk about sex at all. My body stiffens. I try to play it off like it doesn’t bother me. He went on to repeat this statement two more times with a loud, but playful tone. I know he thought he was funny and that he probably wouldn’t even remember what he said the next day.

I held myself together, but in future interactions with this man, I felt less and less comfortable. I knew I didn’t feel comfortable being in a social setting with him while he was drinking. I knew I would need to create healthy boundaries from this point on. I saw my progress. Then, I didn’t find out until too late that he was going to be at another social gathering. I kept my distance, but knew I would need to be more careful next time, because I didn’t like the way I felt inside waiting to hear another inappropriate statement. It came, but this time, I just found myself getting so angry. I knew I needed to do some digging in my inner garden to find the root of this strangling vine.

I worked through it with the people I trusted most to discover that the last time I heard the word slut was while I was being verbally attacked by my ex. I knew this wasn’t about the man or the word, but it didn’t keep me from feeling uncomfortable. That’s when I started to put the the puzzle together about the harsh language and tone the man had when he was angry along with his recreational habits including drinking too much. OH…the similarities. I knew I needed a little space to process my trauma.

The man knew I wasn’t acting like my normal self and he pressed me to figure out why I wasn’t okay with him. I thought, I will commonly tell him that that statement made me uncomfortable, and that though I know he didn’t intend it, I had a trauma trigger that I’m trying to work through. I figured this would give me space.

His reaction wasn’t just denial, but adamant denial. Gaslighting in the process. That sent me over the edge. I lost it. My PTSD went into fight mode, and I saw red. He said, “I’m sorry you felt like I said that to you.” I said, “I didn’t feel like you said it, you said it.” He pushed and pushed, like he would change my mind somehow.

I payed attention to how my body felt. I didn’t just see red, I felt red. Okay, rage. I still feel rage inside me triggered from when I was being gaslighted by my ex and felt so small. I don’t feel small now, I feel angry at the drama that had to come from this, when I had a plan to handle it peacefully. I’m angry that I keep telling him off in my head in an endless loop. I know it’s not safe to talk to him, so the next best thing is to write a letter to my ex and then him. Then, burn both letters. My ex is dead and this man is not a safe person to express my feelings to… so this choice helps me work at the root without exposing myself to more trauma.

Space, I need space to breathe. That’s what today is about.

• I talked to a trusted friend.
• I worked on my Mind Movie that I read about in Joe Dispenza’s book, Becoming Supernatural with my soul sister.
• I have a plan to do some EFT Tapping, which will help me calm my nervous system. I can tell still hasn’t calmed down yet.
• I keep reminding myself to fully exhale, because it’s not good to hold my breath.
• I’m also drinking a lot of water and visualizing the old trauma moving out of me.

I wanted to give my readers a little example of what it looks like to take care of our inner gardens while we are triggered. I figured the best way to do it was to go through it with you. Inner garden work isn’t always easy, but it helps. When I focus on myself and my feelings, I’m in the gardener. Doing these things gives me the power to pull out my own weeds and plant whatever I choose to plant in their place. Strangling vines can be brutal, but I’ve realized each time one re-surfaces, I have the power to do something about it. It’s been a long time since one has popped up for me.

With the launch of my book in April, you will see that my one-on-one coaching programs and group programs will all work with our inner gardens, because there is no one right way to live this life, but having a healthy foundation for growth can help us each decide which plants we want to plant, and which ones don’t belong in our gardens.

I hope this reaches someone who needs this.

With Love and Gratitude,

Rachael Wolff, From A Loving Place