Back in 2020, I was struggling navigating being the mom of two teens and dealing with a situation that really isn’t very pleasant. Funny thing, as I’m editing this piece in 2024, I’m struggling once again. My feelings and emotions have been all over the place. I keep bringing myself back to a loving place, but it hasn’t been lasting all day.

In 2020, God sent a messenger, and I stopped spinning. In number 86, I mentioned a growth spurt coming on, well it’s here. Now when these things come into my life there is a lot of disruption and jiggling that happens during the transition. Some days feel absolutely dark, some days my mind gets filled with stories (not all good). Some days, I might not eat or sleep. It’s rough.

Back in 2020, my big lesson came from noticing the stories I was telling myself. These stories came from a deep place that was ready to be healed, but there were layers of shame, guilt, fear, lack, and separation attached to them, which is why they started spinning.

As much as I know it’s none of my business what people think of me, I also know that I may have some deeper messages I’m telling myself that get triggered under certain circumstances. People judging me as a mom was one of the big ones in 2020.

You may wonder why I tell you about these experiences. It’s because I don’t want anyone to put me on any kind of pedestal. I’m on this journey like everyone else. I will have great days, weeks, and months where I feel FULLY connected, and I will have days and weeks where I work for that connection.

Now, in 2024 I’m not worried about what other people think of me, but I’m trying to do the best I can with my daughter who was recently diagnosed with Avoidant/ Restrictive Food Intake Disorder (ARFID) and there are days when it feels like an uphill battle. Today is one of those days. There are lots of stories playing in my head, but at least I’m aware of them. I’m grateful for that.

Life is a journey, and we can make what we want of it. I choose to keep working with aligning with love, abundance, and peace daily because it helps me live every day a little better. It also gets me out of my head much faster.

I’m seeing how when childhood triggers come up, I started weaving stories. I got into a protective Mama Bear mode trying to protect my cub from things I experienced in the past in 2020. Now, I’m trying to be fully present in order to help my daughter. When she fights my love, I heard a little voice whispering unhealthy stories that were just fueling me not feeling like a good enough mom, but I caught it and re-framed the story— That’s growth.

It is so important to stay conscious of the stories we weave and try to tap into where those stories come from and where they take us. It’s never about the situation in front of us when we do this. It’s often something from our pasts that made us feel small, powerless, victimized, judged, shamed, etc.

I’m so grateful I was able to stop the stories from going down a much darker road. This experience was Divine intervention, because I prayed for help the night before both times and I found answers in both 2020 and 2024. It can happen that fast!

Today, I will pay attention to stories I’m weaving. These examples showed me that even with all my practice, when I’m triggered, I can still lose control of the story.

Today, I’m committed to really listening to the stories that are playing. If they aren’t serving me, I will tell myself new ones to help me let the old ones go. If you want to do this with me, here’s a trick: When you listen to the stories going on in your head, try to listen like an outside observer. It may be easier to write them down, then look back at them like it’s not coming from your own head.

When we are thinking about how other people may view us, the truth is we have NO idea what is in their heads. We can only create stories about it, and if we belief a small part of the story we are telling ourselves, we make it true in our heads.

Here’s an example: I was weaving this story that other people thought I was bad mom and I didn’t just think of the one person who thought I was a bad mom, I thought well since she thinks I’m a bad mom, all these other parents must think I’m a bad mom too. Since I was questioning the quality of my motherhood, I started attaching to the story and making it true that this WHOLE group of people were thinking that. Now, they might and they might not think that, but the point is I only got emotionally caught up in the story because I was questioning my choices as a mom.

I spun stories trying to defend my actions, when I wasn’t feeling secure about the actions I was taking. If any of you reading this are parents, this is nothing new. Parenthood is a challenge to navigate. When I judge myself harshly, I attaching to the fear, lack, and separation. Then I create stories that project more fear, lack, and separation.

Now, bringing this forward to 2024. I know I’m doing the best I can as a mom, but the stories I’m weaving are out of fear of making the wrong choices at this critical time in my daughter’s recovery. They’re still stories that come from fear, lack, and separation. I’m so grateful I was editing this piece at this exact time so that I could spot the stories much faster than I did in 2020.

When I’m embracing myself with love and compassion, I connect to the energy of love, abundance, and peace and connect to stories of kindness, love, and compassion. If you’re not a parent, you can see this in so many other places.

We are all capable of spinning stories from the energy of fear, lack, and separation or love, abundance, and peace. We make them true for us even if it is only in our minds, and that’s what keeps us prisoner or sets us free.

Today’s Aligning

Love

Today, I will pay attention to stories I’m weaving.

Being self-aware is a sign of self-love.

Abundance

I’m grateful for awareness of the stories I’m spinning.

What stories are you spinning? Make sure to express gratitude every time you catch yourself in a story.

Peace

Set your timer for 15-minutes and just breathe and observe your thoughts. Don’t try to change them, just be in a state of gratitude for being able to see how any stories that are coming up play in your head. Watch them like you would watch a movie.

You are not the stories playing in your head, but it’s important that we see the stories and acknowledge how they are affecting the reality we create daily by believing them.

With Love, Abundance, and Peace,

©Rachael Wolff 2020, 2024

Author of Letter from a Better Me