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Hello Readers,
Just a reminder about the series, the podcast version of this comes out on Fridays. You can choose your preferred listening platform and subscribe there. For anyone that doesn’t normally listen to podcasts, most the platforms are free. If you have an iPhone, Apple Podcasts comes with the phone. It’s a purple symbol with a microphone. I like listening to podcasts I’m trying to absorb on my walks. I just feel with my blood pumping, it’s getting in there better. Now, onto the topic at hand.
What is Active Listening?
According to ChatGPT:
Active listening is a communication skill that involves fully focusing on, understanding, and responding thoughtfully to the speaker. It goes beyond just hearing words—active listening requires engagement and attentiveness to both verbal and nonverbal cues. It helps foster meaningful conversations, build trust, and improve relationships.
Here’s everything ChatGPT says about active listening here. There are some great insights for newcomers. Active listening is an art. It’s not as easy as many textbooks make it seem. That’s why Episode 11 focused on grounding ourselves first. Without being fully there— it’s impossible. Yet…the art of active listening helps us stay there when mastered.
The Art of Active Listening
If I truly want to listen with love, I have engage in the art of active listening. I call it an art because there is this beautiful balance of tasks a person must perform for success. For someone with ADHD, this definitely takes that ability to hyperfocus. Everything from our body to our emotions must be aligned to successfully master the art. It’s like a dance. Two of the trickiest parts of it are asking questions without sounding like an interrogator and repeating back what they are saying without sounding like a parrot. Here are the three steps I do to get started:
- Ground myself before entering the conversation. If you haven’t read or listened to Episode 11, there are exercises to do that there.
- Eliminate as many distractions as possible. That phone can be nowhere near me and TV must be off. I get far away from other people that are not part of the conversation. I personally like being out in nature or in a private room.
- Come into the conversation with curiosity over judgment. I will sometimes have a mantra playing in my head, “This is their journey. Just listen, ask questions, and repeat back what I’m hearing.” If I do end up judging or advising, I apologize as soon as I catch myself.
Active Listening is Essential to Listening with Love
Listening with love is the mastered art of active listening. It’s being able to find love within us even when we don’t like or agree with what we are hearing. Let’s face it, it’s easy to listen with love when we agree with what someone is saying. That’s not the problem.
When I’m interested in learning about a person or topic, I can listen attentively. They know in that moment they are the most important person in my world. That feeling might be temporary. Yet, it truly matters when it comes to listening with love.
I’ve been in and out of therapy since I was around 9 years old. I’ve had therapists who were true masters of this and others who weren’t. When my daughter entered therapy at a young age, I noticed the same thing. If we don’t master this art, there is no connection that keeps us wholeheartedly in the conversation. We stop listening and make way for many misunderstandings.
When, I’m actively listening with love, I can often catch the misunderstandings and find clarity through questions. I’ve found the person’s belief systems are sometimes tied into generations of beliefs. Those beliefs don’t even reflect where the person wants to be now. Sometimes actively listening with love can help them reconcile that. Listening with love helps us see when a person’s beliefs are conflicting in their own mind. If a belief is hurting them, we don’t have to shove it in their face.
This is where Byron Katie’s “Work” has really helped me. If you want to really get good at this art, read or listen to Loving What Is. It’s one of my short list of books I listen to regularly. I initially read the physical book back in 2011. I remember that because it’s when my life felt like it started over.
One of the questions Katie asks is, “Where would you be without that thought?” She asks this in many different ways. For me, it’s a way to see my own weeds and imagine my garden without them. The beauty of active listening is we help the person we are listening to get the reward for their own discoveries. Active listening is empowering to the speaker. Our egos step aside and let the person speaking shine. It’s remembering that this is their journey, and the rewards and consequences of their choices are theirs.
Egos and Listening with Love Don’t Go Together
If we want the credit for the discoveries someone makes as we listen, we are NOT listening with love. If we need them to do something specific for us to feel successful, we are not listening with love. Our egos are too entangled to allow the active listening to take the lead. We are listening with egos, not love. There is a huge difference. One can’t be without the other.
We can believe all we want that we know what’s best for someone else’s journey, but we don’t. Sometimes it’s our most difficult struggles that bring out our strengths. When we listen with love, the reward is we get to see the power of someone else’s journey unfold. There’s a true beauty in that.
Whether they follow through with their discoveries or not is a part of their own journeys. A session of actively listening with love helps them to nurture their own inner gardens. That doesn’t mean they will keep up with it. We ALL know how that one goes.
I’m going to speak for myself here. I know that if I truly want to help others, I must keep my ego in check. It can be really easy to take credit when people want to disempower themselves. Unfortunately, so many of us disempower ourselves on autopilot, especially women. I have to remind them and myself that I can’t change anyone.
When the questions I ask help someone, they CHOSE to explore themselves. They CHOSE self-awareness, which is the first step in making positive changes. I didn’t do that. I just gave them a tool, they did the work. Asking questions gives people tools to work with, but we can’t take credit for the work. That’s pure ego if we try. I know I’ve said this before, but never listen to ANYONE who says you can’t be better without them. That is RED FLAG madness!
I share a seed: they plant it, nurture it, and it becomes a beautiful addition to their inner garden—they did that. Seeds are there for the grabbing, but that doesn’t mean they grow without the care they need.
It’s just like buying plants for our gardens. A professional, influencer, friend, family member, or colleague can suggest we get it. We are the ones who have to plant, nurture, and maintain the garden. It’s our job to make sure it’s a healthy space for the plant to flourish. When weeds pop-up, it’s our job to get rid of them. Otherwise, we spread them.
If I unconsciously offer someone a seed that’s a weed. I can’t make them plant it in their inner garden. By trying to take credit, or letting them give me credit that’s theirs…that’s a weed I’m allowing to flourish in my own garden.
Each person is empowered to make those choices for themselves. Neglected inner gardens grow lots of weeds. We spread those seeds until we take charge of our own gardens. We all have weeds to manage in our inner gardens. This is not a judgment, weeds are just going to pop-up. It’s what we choose to do with the weeds that matters.
Active Listening Nourishes Our Own Gardens
When we are actively listening with love, we are nurturing the soil of our own inner gardens. We are making it harder for the weeds to grow. Sometimes while we are active listening, we spot our own weeds. Then, we get the opportunity to pull them out. That’s a gift.
I’m spotting more and more how active listening truly serves both others and myself. I don’t have to take on their choices when I’m actively listening. I don’t have to feel responsible for saying and doing the right things for them. I do my best to listen to their journey with empathy, compassion, and curiosity. That serves both of our highest goods.
In turn, I have compassion for myself as a human. I’m not going to do this all perfectly. There will be times I mess up BAD. I don’t need to beat myself up when I do. I simply need to take accountability and responsibility so that I can learn and grow from the experience. That’s how I keep the weeds from taking over my own garden. Self-abuse is toxic to our gardens.
If the garden connection speaks to you, make sure to pre-order your copy of Tending Your Inner Garden. The book comes out April 8, 2025.
From A Loving Place 