(Rather listen on YouTube?)
Most of us have heard the phrase silence is golden. It comes from a Ancient Egyptian proverb that says, “Speech is silver, but silence is golden.” This is another reminder of the importance of listening with love.
Deep Listening
I define deep listening as our ability to listen with a completely open mind to someone else’s experience. This means we understand that the speaker’s flow of thought is important and should not be interrupted. Our conscious listening is essential to what they will discover about themselves in what their thoughts and words reveal.
I see this as separate from active listening. In active listening we are responding with body language and by asking questions. When we are engaged in deep listening, we are listening for their stream of consciousness. We are silent in every way. Some of our greatest revelations can come from someone giving us space to do this. Most people who are hoping to enter the stream of consciousness get there through writing. It’s possible to get there if we have a person willing to just sit and listen…as if they were the paper being written on.
Listening without Reacting
I once took a transformational breathing course. We were paired off and asked to listen to the other person without any physical reactions or sounds. We did this for a time period and then the role was reversed. The speaker didn’t receive prompts on what to talk about. We couldn’t mention anything the first speaker said if we were the second speaker.
This was so much harder than I thought it would be. The exercise made me completely conscious of all the things I do while I’m listening to another person. Everything in me wanted to nod, make sounds of recognition, share stories, and ask questions. My task in that moment was just to listen.
After the exercise, we discussed what it was like for the speaker and the listener. All the listeners including myself felt heard and seen. We were surprised in how much more came out than we originally planned. We were figuring ourselves out as we spoke. I think back to this exercise often when my daughter says things like, “Mom, just listen.”
I’ve cut off people trying to process their thoughts to make sure they didn’t feel alone. Cutting them off in any way disrupts the stream of consciousness. So, they could’ve have figured something out for themselves…but they didn’t. I took that away from them when I cut them off. That in turn, disempowers them. That’s the last thing I want to do. I’m still challenged by when to actively listen, deeply listen, and offer wisdom. They all have there place.
There’s a Fine Line
I know I have wisdom to offer, we all do. I also know we all have amazing inner wisdom just waiting to be revealed. Active listening has a time and place, but so does deep uninterrupted listening. There was a time when I felt like I was doing it wrong. Now I know, that’s not true. Sometimes we are intuitively guided to share things. I definitely don’t want to shut that down. The fine line is knowing the difference between intuitive wisdom and giving unsolicited advice. My friend, Ashley Torrent, expressed what intuitive guidance feels like in the trailer from my “Seeds of Wisdom” series. I just love the way she explains it. To sum it all up she says,
“The thing about intuition is it doesn’t come in a fearful way. It doesn’t rattle the nervous system. It doesn’t shock us or scare us. It’s not a loud booming voice. To me, it’s about: it’s as if it’s the most loving compassionate language is coming through me.”
-Ashley Torrent, “SOW #23 Understanding the Intuitive Voice“
I will talk more about intuitive wisdom later, but for now it’s simply knowing the difference.
It’s Not Easy
At least, it’s not easy for me to always differentiate what the moment needs. When it comes to deep listening, my job is to be the paper in an automatic writing session. It’s just allowing the person to engage in automatic speaking instead. It takes a VERY special person who isn’t trained to do this naturally. I personally only know one. For most of us, it takes practice…lots of practice!
I like to remind myself that it’s about them figuring it out for themselves. What they need to do that is my complete silence. When I do this, it’s interesting to see the results. If they follow it up with questions, the door is open to ask questions. That becomes the transition into active listening.
None of us are going to get the plan of doing this right all the time. There are so many factors that can distract us from the mission. Sometimes those distractions are gateways that are necessary. I don’t want anybody turning this exercise into a form of self-abuse. I know I’ve gone there before and that doesn’t serve anyone.
Deep Listening to ourselves is ESSENTIAL!
If we don’t have someone around us that’s capable of deep listening (no judgment) there’s still a way to get our needs met.
Automatic Writing
This is why I personally love the practice of automatic writing. I set a timer for 15-20 minutes and just start writing. I don’t think about what I’m writing. I don’t edit what I write. I just write. It’s a way of getting what’s going through my head on paper. By the time I’m done, I gain some clarity on the thoughts that are going through my head
Mirror Work
I learned this from the amazing Louise Hay. I didn’t think of it as deep listening when I started the practice, but after over a decade I finally saw the connection.
I’m including this in deep listening to ourselves because I never knew how bad my self talk was until I started documenting my thoughts as I looked in the mirror. I’ve used voice recordings and notebooks. It’s about finding the method that works for you. When we have horrible self talk, it’s important to see it. We can’t fix or change what we don’t know is there. I learned to replace every negative thought I had about myself with something positive. This deep listening technique helped me discover what decades of therapy missed.
Voice Recording
Since I love writing, I prefer that, but I know this one is my daughter’s favorite tool. It helps her a lot. It’s similar to automatic writing. Just let all the thoughts come out for a period of time and see what emerges. Play it back without judgment. What would you think if your best friend or the love of your life was saying these things to you?
It’s important to have empathy and compassion for ourselves when we are doing deep listening exercises. We deserve to show up for ourselves as much as the people we love deserve us to show up for them. Our ability to be there for someone else in the healthiest way possible goes hand in hand with how we are showing up for ourselves.
The Listening with Love Podcast Comes Out Friday!
Let it sink in!
From A Loving Place 