6:00 AM the alarm goes off; another day. Is my daughter going to start with a meltdown as I try to do the same daily routine of getting her ready for school? What will it be about? Is it going to be the outfit, taking a shower, food, cleaning her room, reading, or just simply having to wake-up?
What about my son? Is he going to have a stomachache? Is he going to dread another day of school? Is he going to bring home another referral? What about baseball? Is he going to ever play again after being hit in the eye with a ball?
I miss my dad ,“Gifted Mom”, and grandma. All their houses are closing this month. These are the two childhood homes that have been the same. The last of what I thought of as permanent fixtures in my life. I keep hearing all their voices as they discussed the future and how none of it worked out as planned. One of my favorite sayings, “I plan, God laughs” strikes again. I believe that everything happens exactly the way it’s supposed to, but it doesn’t mean it’s easy to accept my life as it is in this moment.
When I started on the path of self-discovery, I thought after a certain point in time I would eliminate the chaos from my life. I thought that going through life’s lessons would become natural and I would all the sudden gain the patience of a Saint. Are you laughing yet? I am.
I’m the person who went to parenting classes before I became a parent. I have been on a mission since I took on the role to be this parent that I’ve read about a million times. “I plan, God laughs.” I don’t care how many books, classes, or practices I’ve taken on; all of it is all still a process. There is no finish line of perfection, even if my OCD likes to disagree. What doesn’t help, my people pleaser inside trying to listen to every one’s good advice. They are not me. I have to work with what I have. Trying to remember that we are all different and have different challenges is a message I sometimes forget when I’m in the hamster wheel of life’s circumstances.
I can list of a number of labels and diagnosis that make me different, but honestly it doesn’t matter how I’m different. I was given the set up that I need in order to serve my purpose on the planet. The obstacles and lessons that I’m given is what I need in order for my gifts to shine through. Don’t get me wrong; as much as I know this I still will watch myself fall into the depths of chaos.
This is the time where all the things I write about get put into practice. It is the time where I get to “Embrace the Breakdown” (click on the title to go to the post) and work my way through the “5 Lessons in Personal Growth.” I don’t get to stop just because I wrote about it, I still have to live through it. Every time I learn a little bit more to take with me. I’ve been in the state I’m in now longer than I’ve been since I left my old life behind. The issues are all different and the only real drama is self-induced. That in itself is progress. I have the best support team around me and I know that “this too will pass” (another great mantra for times of chaos).
On Mother’s Day, my daughter gave me a sign, “Give love. It’s the only thing you’ll never run out of.” This is a great reminder of my purpose, which is finding ways to continue to spread love even in the midst of chaos. Learning to go with the flow of life while accepting the parts of me that are incredibly regimented are a part of the lessons I get on daily basis.
Life is an interesting classroom; it goes through all the phases of the typical schooling experience. There are easy and hard classes, all kinds of different teachers. Some I wish would never leave and others that I wish would leave today. Some classes stir up my passion for learning while others will bore me as I scream in my head, “COME ON!” Today, I feel like I’m doing a science experiment. I keep testing theories and seeing where each one leads. I’m in the process of learning to not take life so seriously.
Part of what I am doing is looking at what’s going on from outside of the box I’m in, so that I can see perspectives that are different than what is keeping me in the box. I know I’m not alone in these challenges. If you are one of the people who are reading this laughing, crying, or simply nodding in understanding; you’re not alone either. We are all just doing the best we can, no matter what that looks like to someone else.
With Love and Gratitude,
Rachael Wolff © 2017