If you want to listen to this episode on YouTube, here you go:

Sometimes it takes being in the depths of an emotional breaking point to think about what’s important when it comes to feeling seen and heard. I know I talked about this topic early on in the series. But, I noticed there is a very important point to talk about. It’s that point when someone is at an emotional breaking point.

Different Ways of Experiencing Emotional Pain

Emotional pain can feel very different depending on a person’s history. If the person is a trauma survivor, the experience may be much more intense. What for some would be passing thoughts become dangerous ruminating thoughts that turn into stories playing on an endless loop. Those stories become self-abusive and/or suicidal in nature.

If someone is an addict or a recovering addict, they might search for ways to numb the pain. They may even become obsessed with finding away to numb the uncomfortable feelings.

If a person put their identity into a partner, child, or job and they lose it, it can get very dark very fast. It doesn’t have to be a permanent loss either. It can be a child moving out, getting fired from a particular job, or a partner leaving the relationship.

Yet, if a person is a stoic, you may have no idea how a challenging situation is hitting them. They process things differently depending on if they are a natural stoic or practicing.

My point is no two people are going to process emotional hits exactly the same way. Their history and the amount of work they’ve done on themselves matters.This is why listening with love is so important. Being grounded is important. If we aren’t grounded, we may say something or give advice that makes them go deeper into their emotional abyss. I’m going to get really honest and personal with you all right now.

If you’ve been following my journey since the beginning, you know that I’ve attempted suicide multiple times and was hospitalized at seventeen. Though I’ve never attempted suicide after being hospitalized because of what happened in the hospital, the thoughts can still pop-up from time to time when things get really dark. They pass through much faster, but because certain emotions are tied to suicidal stories that I played over and over, they can pop-up when that emotional trigger is hit.

This doesn’t mean I’m in danger of killing myself, but it does mean it’s important for me to be self-aware enough and feel safe enough to move through the trigger. I do think reaching out for professional help is very important, if a person finds themselves obsessing over self-harming in ANYWAY. But I also know there are a lot of people scared to reach out.

There is a lack of training with new therapists when it comes to this. A proper trained therapist knows how to listen and ask the right questions. If a person at this point just feels like the therapist is trying to get them committed, well that has the potential of shutting down the person even more. They might not reach out for help the next time. Instead of leaving with tools to break-free from the story, they can leave the session feeling even more alone. If that happens, a defensive shield can go up. This isn’t good.

These are things I remind myself if I notice those dark thoughts entering: Feel my feelings, get out of the story. Crying cleanse my soul. What stories playing in my head? I can change the story when I’m ready. Breakdown to breakthrough. The feelings I’m having right now will pass when I give them space and name them. I have more work to do in this life.

To an outsider, the process doesn’t look pretty. It can even be scary to the listener. This is why episode 11 was all about grounding ourselves.

Helping the Person in Crisis Feel Safe

When someone is in emotional crisis, listening with love is essential to them feeling safe. When we are not grounded, our fears can take over. We might try to fix the pain for them. We may offer tons of unsolicited advice. All because we don’t feel safe with their circumstances and/or the way they feel.

Sometimes our advice can actually make things worse. If someone is a deep depression or they’re at an emotional breaking point, and you’re not trained in what to say… being a listening ear is your job. Try to ask questions instead of making statements about what they should do.

There are people I don’t talk to when I’m struggling emotionally because I don’t feel safe with them. That’s what I talk about in Episode 5, “Don’t go to the hardware store for bread.” It’s important to know who we can go to for what. I’ve found that my friends have different gifts. Just because a person isn’t good with emotional crisis doesn’t mean their place in my life isn’t valuable. I just don’t expect people to give me more than they are capable of. This keeps my relationships healthy.

What can feel harmless and helpful to the person not in crisis, can feel like added pressure to the person in the crisis. Trying to get a person to move passed where they are before they’re ready can be very dangerous. Once you leave or get off the phone, they may start feeling worse about themselves. They feel like they aren’t capable of doing what you suggested. Another story starts playing in their head making them feel even more worthless.

With safety being the priority, listen for cues. It’s so important to understand that what works for one person, may not work for someone else. I’ve actually prayed for guidance before entering these kinds of exchanges before.

It’s hard to know the best thing to do, and we’re not always going to get it right. All we can ever do is the best we can in the moment. If you understand that the goal is to help the person feel safe with you…trust me you are ahead of the game. Here are a few suggestions:

• Ask them if they want a hug. It’s important to ask because if they’re having a nervous system reaction, they may not want to be touched.
• If they’re starting to panic, you can ask them about things in their immediate surroundings. Have them use their senses. These are meant to be easy questions, they just need to look around them for the answers. It can even be something like, “Do you feel any sensations in your hand if you just lift it up and look at it? What does it feel like?”
• Ask them if they want advice or if they just need someone to listen. If they say listen, don’t offer any advice.
• Speak from your own experience, strength, and hope. This is something encouraged in 12-step programs. That’s why there is no interruptions, cross-talk, or advice giving in meetings. Meetings are meant to be a safe place for people to go to feel seen and heard. There is no reason we can’t take this out of the meeting rooms.
• Get comfortable with silence. Don’t feel like you have to fill in the space. Let them process.
• Ask them what they’ve done when they’ve felt this way before. This is a question I’ve seen missed way too many times. Many of us have methods that work. We just can’t always get to it when we are in the height of crisis. My old sponsor in Al-Anon would say, “The instructions to get out of the box are on the outside of the box.” Try to get them to step out of the crisis box and use their memory for a good cause. You aren’t telling them use that method right now. You are just helping them see options WHEN they are ready. Sometimes just looking for the tool in our memory can help us discover something we can do in that moment.

Connect

Once they feel safe, help them feel connected. Once a person feels safe, they are capable of feeling love. Love is more than words. It’s an energy. Many people don’t even know it’s what they are feeling, they just know that being around certain people or groups make them feel lighter. Some will recognize it as love, and others won’t. It doesn’t matter. Energy just is.

If we jump into the energy of fear, lack, and separation with them, it can keep them in their stories that are causing them so much pain. If we focus on the energy we are bringing in, and allow the energy of love, abundance, and peace to flow through us, when they feel safe they will feel it. Here are a few suggestions:

• Ask them to take deep breaths with you. As you are breathing, focus your energy on sending them love, abundance, and peace. Don’t say the words, just send the energy.
• If you believe in a Higher Power, God, Angels, etc, you can ask them to send the person the energy of love, abundance, and peace as they breathe.
• Just simply suggest taking full breaths in and full breaths out. When we are stressed we hold our breath. This affects our whole body inside and out. See if they can do it to the count of 10 for inhale and 10 for exhale. If that doesn’t feel comfortable, ask them to do it to a count that does. Counting will help distract their brain from the harmful stories playing in their head.
• If they feel comfortable with being touched, whether it’s on the hand, back, or a full hug, again ask them. I say to myself, let them feel my love through my touch. This helps me keep my energy on helping them to feel connected.
• Be fully present with them. Don’t be on the phone, watching TV, or reading something else, connection comes from being present. Sometimes the best way to help is to simply listen—without advice, without judgment, just presence.

I’m Not A Mental Health Professional

The Listening with Love Series is there to offer tools and support I’ve learned on my own mental healthy journey. I’m doing my best to practice using these tools, which is one of the reasons I’m doing the series. I do have a bachelor’s degree in Human Development, and I’m a Certified Life Coach. In addition, I’m a Certified in Emotional Freedom Technique, also known as Tapping and EFT.

I have tremendous respect for trauma therapy and the therapeutic process. If someone is struggling with suicidal thoughts, and they don’t have the tools to break the story playing in their minds, it’s important for them to get help.

If the person is you, please know you are not alone. In the United States a person in crisis can call or text 988 or go to: 988lifeline.org/chat. You can also call, text, or chat if you need help supporting a loved one.

If you choose to share this post outside of the USA, please include resources where you are.

Part of listening with love is knowing when we don’t have the proper training to help. You can ask them if they would like us to sit with them while they chat, call, or text. That gives them a better chance of feeling safe and connected while they take the next steps.

I am available for support at rachael@fromalovingplace.com

Until Next Time, I wish you love, abundance, and peace.