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I know way too many people who struggle to set boundaries without guilt. Especially when the word love is involved. Whether it’s with romantic partners, children, extended family, friends, professional relationships, or with strangers—setting boundaries is healthy. Repeat this out loud three times.

Setting Boundaries is Healthy!

While I was married to a verbally abusive man, I happened to catch an episode of Dr. Phil. He said, “We teach people how to treat us.” I don’t watch Dr. Phil, I never have. Yet, I caught two of his shows. Both of them offered me profound wisdom into setting healthier boundaries for myself while I was in that relationship. So, thank you, Dr. Phil. I like to share this because, at the time I would pray for wisdom in what to do, and these are the kind of things that would happen. I have a lot of stories like that. This is not a promotion for him. I just want to give examples of ways of listening once we’ve asked for guidance. This could be a whole episode by itself.

It took me years and a lot of work on myself to get to the place where I fully understood the impact of setting boundaries and not setting boundaries. I still remember the day, filled with love and respect for myself, I said, “You will not verbally abuse me anymore.” It was different than any time I’d said something like that before. This time, I meant it. The love and respect I had for myself projected out. Before, there was always a sense of guilt like maybe I deserved the way he spoke to me. Like I said, it was a lot of work. But, it was the most rewarding work I’ve ever done on myself.

Setting Boundaries is an Act of Self-Love and Self-Respect

We can’t convince people to love and respect us if we are not showing love and respect to ourselves. I know that’s a hard pill to swallow, but remember what Dr. Phil said, “We teach people how to treat us.” So, if we show them that we don’t love and respect ourselves through our words and behaviors, we are showing them that it’s okay for them not to love and respect us. We all deserve love and respect. The problem is that we won’t get the love and respect that we deserve until we show it to ourselves. Remember, love and fear are opposites. If you love yourself, you are not verbally abusing yourself with abusive self-talk.

People will match our energy or walk away from our lives. Not always permanently. Sometimes plans for that day get canceled. We don’t talk to a friend for a few months. It can look different based on where our energy is from day to day.

This takes me back to a professor from my college days. Dr. Anne Geroux said to the class, “We are as sick or as healthy as our partners.” When one person mentally gets better and the other doesn’t, the relationship will end. If one person gets better, and the other person rises up to meet them, the relationship gets healthier. If one person takes a downward spiral and the other partner meets them down there, the relationship becomes toxic.

I hated hearing this at the time, but with some deep digging, I discovered how true the statement was. When we do the work to take care of our inner gardens, healthy things want to grow there. Which means unhealthy growth doesn’t flourish there. This is why I hold the garden analogy so close to my heart. I know that if I take care of my inner world, my outer world reflects what it sees back to me.

Setting boundaries as an act of self-love and self-respect is essential to having healthy relationships. When we don’t have healthy boundaries, listening with love turns into listening with resentment. I think we all know how ugly that one can get.

Setting Boundaries without Guilt is an Act of Listening to Ourselves with Love

When we set boundaries, we are performing an act of self-care. If we don’t face and process any guilt, people see right through it. It’s not a real boundary. It’s us trying to convince ourselves we deserve them. It’s just like when a person tries to act confident when they are not, many people see right through it. It comes off as arrogance, and there is definitely a big difference. When we take care of our insides, we don’t accept unacceptable behavior. We don’t lie down on the floor to get walked on like a doormat. We know when the weeds start growing inside by how we are being treated outside. That’s my cue to look inward. If I feel like people are treating me like crap, I look at how I’m treating myself.

Listening with love does not mean getting walked on or listening to someone else spew their hate. We can cut conversations short, change the subject, or say something like

• I would love to focus our energy on the things we can change.
• I would prefer not to talk about this with you.
• I’m sorry you feel so strongly about this. Let’s talk about something else.
• I agree to disagree.
• That sounds like a very painful belief, I don’t feel that way. Would you like to hear how I feel about the subject?

The best thing to do is to come up with some of your own responses that act as healthy boundaries for unproductive conversations. Just remember, listening with love starts with listening to our own needs with love.

Practice Makes Communicating Boundaries Comfortable

We have to practice using healthy boundaries. If we struggle with having boundaries without guilt, it’s time to do the work.

Journaling

One of the tools that helps for me with this one is journaling. I write about why healthy boundaries are important and what that looks like for my self-care. I write down situations that didn’t feel good, and what healthier boundaries look like. If I’m angry with someone over me not having boundaries, I do my inner weeding. What belief system kept me from having a healthy boundary in this situation? How would I respond to the situation if I didn’t have that belief system? Is there a thought I could engage that would feel better than the ones playing in my head right now? What do healthy boundaries look like in this situation?

Lists

Pay attention to other people’s healthy boundaries. Sometimes when we don’t have healthy boundaries we may recognize them because we can’t believe someone had that boundary. We may even get angry, but it often is because we are not showing ourselves the love and respect we deserve by not having them. For instance, my partner is great at having boundaries. If he is tired, he says no to going out. Sometimes this can annoy me if I wanted to go somewhere, but when I look deeper, I see he is taking care of himself. That’s healthy!

So, on my list, I would write something like, say no to social engagements when I’m exhausted. Listening with love to our own needs can sometimes be reflected back to us in anger when we are not willing to look at how we are neglecting ourselves.

Talk to Trusted Loved Ones

I suggest this after you’ve done some inner processing, because we don’t want it to come out sideways on the people we love most. Whether we are looking to set boundaries or we realized we needed them after an exchange, speak with love. Don’t blame them. Just simply state why you feel you need to have a specific boundary. It can be that you don’t talk religion or politics, set time limit on a conversation, schedule calls or visits, etc.

The boundaries we create are based on our own needs. People are different. Some people may love drop by guests, but if you don’t, that’s a boundary that’s important to set for your self-care.

If you have questions or need specific help with what a healthy boundary looks like for you, reach out to me at rachael@fromalovingplace.com. I love hearing from people. You can also leave a comment on this post if today’s episode resonates with you.

Do you need to hear this again? Listen to new Listening with Love episodes on Fridays or catch up here.

Until next time, I wish you love, abundance, and peace.