How Do I Make Them Stop?

If anyone has ever had an addict, abuser, narcissist, or someone with mental illness in your lives, you may have asked, prayed, and cried over this question. If the person above is you, you may have asked, “How can I stop…?” Then, “How do I make them stop?” can be the question that follows trying to make the problem someone else’s. Either way, How do I make them stop, is a trap that weaves us into an unhealthy spiral. The answer is, we can’t change another person. We can only better ourselves so we stop making ourselves responsible for others and making them responsible for what is going on inside of us. 

Is This Person Capable of Changing the Way I want them to?

Understand that the person may not be capable of helping himself/ herself without getting intensive support from trained professionals, and that can only happen if he/she is open and willing to receive it. No one can force another person to change. A person can’t get better for another person. I know his is a VERY hard pill to swallow. I’ve been down this road time and time again, and I stayed sick because of it. We can’t MAKE, threaten, or condemn a person to change for us. A person’s unhealthy patterns could have started from the moment they were brought into this world. The willpower a person has to have in order to change behavior and thought patterns that feel normal to their reality and survival isn’t easy. These thoughts and behaviors can be so imbedded that they have created neural pathways to support the unhealthy behaviors.  It takes intensive work to change any neural pathways and when your thoughts are fighting to keep what feels normal alive, it is a very long and painful process.

How Easy Is it to Change What Isn’t Good for ME?

I want you to think about all the things you tell yourself you should do to live a healthier life:

  • I need to exercise more.
  • I need to eat better.
  • I need to stop attaching myself to unhealthy people.
  • I need to drink more water.
  • I need to get out of my head. 
  • I need to spend more time with my family. 
  • I need to spend more time on self-care.
  • I need to make time for meditation.
  • I need to drink less. 

Those are just a few examples. Can you instantly add/do everything that is good for you? Do you still choose to do things that aren’t benefitting your mental, spiritual, and physical health? Let’s just make sure we keep that in mind when we are expecting someone else to change. In order to make lifestyle changes, we have to fully commit. If any of us are struggling with ANY kind of low self-esteem, self-image, and/or self-worth, like I’ve mentioned in my previous posts, we will sabotage ourselves and our progress. Take time to imagine the person who is so imbedded in their unhealthy patterns, we don’t get that way if we are positive and healthy individuals. Healthy people who have a healthy self-concept, along with healthy patterns of thought and behavior, don’t hurt others or themselves intentionally.  Most of us at one point or another let our own unhealthy patterns take control. If we are willing to look and take responsibility for our thoughts and behaviors, we have the power to get better. Some people with severe mental illness aren’t psychologically capable of taking responsibility and/or they don’t have the willpower it takes to make the changes we want to see in them at the moment we want to see them. If we are dealing with people in extreme cases, they may not be capable of making the changes we want to see. The best thing we can do for ourselves and them is not blame them for this, but make the necessary changes in our lives to put our self-care first. We are the ones we will live and die with.

How Am I Choosing to Live My Life?

If we are under the assumption that it will take someone else changing in order for us to be happy and healthy, we have our own work to do. We aren’t capable of rescuing someone else from his/ her own unhealthy patterns, but we are capable of rescuing ourselves. Just like them, we have to be willing and open to see and take responsibility for our own unhealthy thought and behavior patterns. Some of our own patterns have been imbedded since birth, so it can take some intensive work to see them. Just the expectation of someone else needing to change for us to be happy, is a thought pattern that we use to hurt ourselves. We put the power in their hands, just like they may be doing to us, when they use us as an excuse to behave like they are. We can’t make them act and think like they do, and we can’t make them responsible for thinking and acting like we do.

How am I (Rachael Wolff) Qualified to Talk About This?

People who know the dark place I was in ask me how I got better, and the answer is that I invested in myself. I fixed the one person that I could. I’m not a do as I say, not as I do kind of person. I’ve spent thirty years working on breaking my unhealthy patterns. I’ve gone down some long treacherous rabbit holes in search of feeling lovable and happy and I came out on the other side of my own darkness.  I write about how I got myself out of toxic situations, how my education in psychology, human development, sociology, and cultural anthropology have assisted me in being able to put my experiences down on paper in away that can assist others on their paths. I’ve tried and failed at so many attempts to change myself and others, until after a myriad of lessons, I found the path that changed my life—The path to me. I’ve had plenty of help along the way.

The Path of Self-Discovery

When we stop asking and praying for the answer to “How do I change them?” and start asking, “How do I become the best version of me?”— We gain the power to transform our lives. 

We get sent sign after sign of ways to better ourselves. How do I know this will happen? How do I know that this works? Because it’s the path I took and still take daily. Here are just a few of the AMAZING benefits of taking the path of self-discovery: 

  • I learned to say, NO, without needing to apologize for it. 
  • I’ve established healthy boundaries with unhealthy individuals.
  • I’ve learned how to assess when and how long to stay in relationships and situations in order to learn what I need to learn.
  • I’ve learned that the people who wander onto my path are supposed to teach me something or learn something from me.
  • I found my authentic joy in nature.
  • I’ve found what grounds me, inspires me, and lifts my spirits.
  • I’ve learned how to live connected to Divine love. 
  • I learned that the only person that NEEDS to love me—Is me!

Do I Want to Help or Enable?

You are free to keep asking questions like:

  • How do I make them stop?
  • How do I make them happy?

It took me at least fifteen years on the path to begin to stop going to these questions, because they were my autopilot response to other people’s unhealthy choices. I can still slip into asking myself these questions when it comes to my kids.  From time to time, when I see them suffering from things out of my control, it hurts and I want to make it better. It’s still not the right questions. What I learned is the best thing we can do for anyone else is to be our best selves, so that is what we project onto others. Our positive energy that we exude may be what helps them to make better choices for themselves. It’s not about preaching or telling them what they aren’t doing right. We simply show them what it looks like to make positive choices for ourselves. I’m amazed how quickly someone who is trapped in their own unhealthy patterns can spot us in ours. The opposite is true too. When we are healthy and another person is trapped in their own darkness, they will either be attracted to us because they are seeking to change, or they will feel a force driving them away from us because they don’t want to or are not capable of making healthy changes in that moment. I’ve talked about this before in previous posts.

When we do things for the wrong reasons, we will start enabling instead of really helping someone else be responsible and accountable if they are capable of doing so. Most us are capable and are just stuck in unhealthy patterns.  We can’t make anyone else feel, think, or do anything. How they respond to us is based on the messages that are swirling around in their heads. What we can change is what is swirling around in ours.

Self-Discovery Is Not a Quick Fix

Self-discovery is not the easy path. There is no pill or quick fix on this path that will help us. We have to be willing to dive deep. We can’t hide from ourselves if we want to discover how to heal ourselves. We can’t numb our guilt and shame. We have to face it and heal from it. The path of self-discovery is worth the challenges we will face. One of the greatest rewards is we question our thinking when we ask the unanswerable questions and start getting solutions from a healthy place. We gain the power to stop the unhealthy thought and behavior patterns as we make better choices. 

With Love and Gratitude, 

Rachael Wolff ©2019

If you are ready to dive in, check out the FREE 90-Day A Better Me Series

If you are a woman and want a book specifically for you, Letters from A Better Me: How Becoming an Empowered Woman Transforms the World is available to pre-order (click on the link over the title to find out more on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Books-A-Million, or Indiebound.org).

90-Day A Better Me Letters Series: Day 82 – Implementing My Healthy Boundaries in Dark Situations

Letters from A Better Me

90-Day A Better Me Letters Series

Part III: Living the Journey

Making the Now Count: Rebuilding our Lives

Day 82: Implementing My Healthy Boundaries in Dark Situations

Dear Self,

I’ve learned so much on this journey of implementing my boundaries. What I’ve realized in my practice of using my healthy tools is that I no longer take on other people’s darkness. I used to feel like I had to engage in the darkness (i.e. fear) to get my point across or not be walked on by someone in their darkness, but what I realized is that by engaging in their darkness only makes me feed and spread mine. I definitely DON’T want to be doing that. I’ve learned how to listen while being lovingly unattached to their energy. I can’t say I do this perfect every time, but the more I do it, the better I get.

One of my biggest challenges in implementing my healthy boundaries is to STAY PRESENT!!! It can be very easy to be caught up in the story whether it is mine or someone else’s. When I realize I’m feeding the darkness of a story, I need to pull back and re-group because it means I got out of the present moment. People who are REALLY stuck in their darkness will have story after story filled with blame, shame, guilt, judgment, victimhood, and hate it may be aimed at me or someone else, but if a person isn’t taking any personal responsibility for where they are, they are lost in darkness. I don’t help them by feeding into it. If and when I stay present, my other natural healthy boundaries fall into line. If I’m challenged to stay present, it just means I have to work a little harder to stay in my light.

It is such a blessing not to feel obligated to take on someone else’s darkness. When I remind myself of that, I don’t feel the weight of someone else’s energy. I don’t try to control their journey or get tied to their story. I can step back and remind myself that the only person I am responsible for is me. What they choose to do with their energy is their business. If I shine my light and they see it, it means they have a want to get out of their own darkness. If they don’t see it, they are comfortable where they are and they will be until the darkness gets too much for them to handle.

My calmness can help to ease and lift some of the dark energy in the room. If my darkness isn’t triggered by their darkness it brings light into the situation whether they want to be apart of it or not. I’m protected in the calm. I can think clearly when I’m calm, present, and not attaching to any of their story.

When I struggle with implementing my tools, I pray! PRAY! And PRAY SOME MORE! There are times where I feel the fear creeping up in me so I know that I’m not fueling the energy of what I stand for and those are the times I need to pray the most. I pray for guidance and that the words coming out of my mouth are will come from a loving place. I pray that I’m guided to take action in a way that serves the best possible outcome in the situation. I pray for the courage and strength to stay in my light. I know when I pray; I’m focused on being the best I can be in the moment.

People who are trapped in their darkness aren’t seeking to hurt me personally. They may be trying to hurt what I represent in their heads, but what I represent in their heads has nothing to do with who I really am. It is a distorted image created by their own darkness. This is not personal. They are looking at me through a story based on perspectives of truth led by fear. I may be the villain or the vandal in their story because I’m not engaging in their darkness with them and that’s ok. They are where they are. If I keep feeling, thinking, believing, and acting from a loving place, I’m being true to me. I won’t leave the situation with any regrets because I will trust exactly how the exchange went. I will take the lessons I need to make me better, and then I get to move on. I’m free!

Today I’m Grateful

  1. I’m so incredibly grateful that I have the tools to keep me out of someone else’s darkness.
  2. I’m grateful I have healthy boundaries because it means I’m taking care of me.
  3. I’m grateful that I know that I’m always exactly where I’m supposed to be in this moment.
  4. I’m grateful for the power of long deep breaths.
  5. I’m grateful that EVERYDAY I do the work, I get better.

 

With Love and Gratitude,

 

A Better Me

 

Rachael Wolff © 2019

Read Today’s Installment to get 10 Essentials to Implementing Healthy Boundaries in Dark Situations: 90-Day A Better Me Series: Day 82 – Implementing Healthy Boundaries in Dark Situations

 

 

 

90-Day A Better Me Series: Day 82 – Implementing Healthy Boundaries in Dark Situations

90-Day A Better Me Series

Part III: Living the Journey

Making the Now Count: Rebuilding our Lives

Day 82: Implementing Healthy Boundaries in Dark Situations

“Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom.”

-Henry Cloud

In Part II, I introduced the topic of “Healthy Boundaries” on Day 53. If you have gone through all 81 days of this series, and done the work, implementing healthy boundaries will feel natural. If you think that there won’t be lessons that come from skipping steps—You’re wrong. We have to start with establishing healthy boundaries in our loving relationships to build our muscle to be able to handle implementing healthy boundaries with people who are stuck in their darkness. We will get lessons in seeing how far we have come with our boundaries. With time, healthy boundaries stick no matter who we are dealing with. I’ve watched time and time again people trying to skip steps and expect the results from someone who did the daily work it takes to emanate self-love into healthy boundaries—I’ve been there and done that. It’s the long road. It doesn’t work, because no matter how healthy the source you are following (psychologist, author, church, guru, life coach, school, etc.) or be mentored by, YOU CAN’T SKIP THE WORK! The work is what makes healthy boundaries possible. Otherwise we come off angry and defensive in our boundaries because they are coming from a place of fear. Healthy boundaries come from love.

Healthy boundaries only can be implemented when we are healthy. We have to be maintaining healthy internal homes. That begins with a healthy relationship with ourselves. Once we have healthy relationships with ourselves, our relationships with our spirituality flourish. Once that happens we begin projecting our purest and strongest light out into the world. Once we do that, we begin learning, growing, and expanding with the people we invite into our lives. Our inner light is what creates our natural healthy boundaries.

Our boundaries are healthy and solid if we are doing the work to maintain our homes. If we don’t keep up with the work, our homes will turn into dilapidated shacks. If we don’t feed and nourish our gardens while pulling out the weeds that threaten our plants, flowers, and trees we won’t have healthy gardens. It’s that simple but as humans we have ways of making it very complicated.

Anytime we try to find the answer in someone else having to change his or her behavior, we are literally watching a weed take over our garden. We can’t MAKE anyone feel or do anything. Each of us has the free will to do what we choose. The power is not in someone else’s hands to make us happy or bring us peace. We have to make that choice for ourselves by maintaining our internal homes and keeping our lights on.

If you are looking for a narcissist, alcoholic, drug addict, sex addict, abuser, sociopath, schizophrenic, etc. to change, STOP HOLDING YOUR BREATH! People will only change if they want to change more than they want to be in their darkness. The same goes for us. The only person you can change and are responsible to change is you. Here’s the blessing of doing this work, you stop handing your mental well-being over to unhealthy people. If a person who is trapped in their own darkness has shown up in your life, they are there for a reason.

The healthier we are the faster we will learn the lesson. One of mine took ten years for me to become aware of, accept, change my perspectives of truth, and then take action. That was my journey. It was in the learning of this lesson that my healthy boundaries started to take hold, but it was still a couple of years before I learned to stop inviting this person into my internal home. He was gone from my life, but I still let him wreak havoc in my internal home every once and while. The time periods would just become shorter and shorter until the point where I can now look back and talk about the whole decade as an AMAZING learning experience that I’m completely grateful for. For me it had to get extremely bad for me to finally see my part in the toxic relationship. Once I saw that, I began to heal. It stop mattering what he did to me, my focus turned to what I did and could do for me in order not to repeat unhealthy patterns of my past or create new ones.

You are building your healthy boundary muscles. You need to trust that if you let a person who is trapped in their darkness into your internal world, you have the opportunity to learn. Don’t beat yourself up if you slip, give in, and let your thoughts about them stir and wreak havoc in your inner world. Trust the process. What can you learn about the obsessive thoughts that are going through your mind? They are your thoughts, so you can change them, but only if you want to. Remember, it’s not about what someone did to you; it’s about what you can do for yourself to make your life better for having learned something from the darkness. The following steps are in no particular order. The more we practice using these tools, the stronger our healthy boundaries become.

10 Essentials to Implementing Healthy Boundaries in Dark Situations

  1. STAY PRESENT! Someone who is caught in their darkness will be focusing on the past and the future because that is where the stories are. Stay here and now. Only right now matters. You can only make healthy choices when you are in the healthiest of spaces and that is in the present moment. Once your head gets you lost in a story, bring yourself back to now. Take a second feel the life running through your hands. Feel your breath. Look at a focal point. Do whatever you need to do to get yourself back in the present. Otherwise slipping into the darkness becomes much easier.
  2. THEIR DARKNESS DOESN’T HAVE TO BE YOURS. You don’t have to take on anyone else’s darkness (fear, hate, rage, shame, guilt, vengefulness, etc.). Keep at the front of your mind their darkness is theirs.
  3. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOURSELF. Nobody can make you feel, think, say, or do anything. You make the choice whether to engage or not to engage, to invite them in or not invite them in, support and encourage their darkness or not encourage their darkness. You can show love and compassion or meet them in their fear—You are responsible for your choice.
  4. STAY IN YOUR LIGHT! If you support blaming, shaming, and judging you’ve chosen to be apart of their darkness and you don’t have access to healthy boundaries when you are in that space. If you stay in your light, you have a full set of healthy tools. Imagine a light-filled force field surrounding and protecting you. When dark thoughts move through you pray for more loving, compassionate, empathetic, solution-minded thoughts to come to you.
  5. STAY CALM! A person stuck in their darkness may tempt to engage you in a battle. Imagine them saying those words to themselves in the mirror. This can help calm you into not reacting to their darkness with darkness. Your rage feeds their darkness.
  6. THIS IS NOT PERSONAL. People acting from a healthy place don’t attack others. If we are being attacked it’s because someone is stuck in a story in his or her head. They may have made us the vandals and/or villains in their story, but whatever the case, if they aren’t communicating in a calm and collected way, they are stuck in a dark story that they have written. You don’t have to take it personally. People are never seeing you through your eyes. They can only look through their eyes. If they are looking through lens darkened by fear. They don’t have the ability to see your light at the moment and for some they may never see your light. You have to have light inside to see light. Like the saying goes—If you spot it, you got it.
  7. PRAY FOR HELP. If you are struggling to stay in your light when faced with someone else’s darkness—PRAY for the feelings, thoughts, words, and actions to help you stay in your light.
  8. KEEP FOCUSED ON WHAT YOU STAND FOR! Make sure your energy is focused what you stand for (light/love) not what you are against (darkness/fear). If you stand for love, compassion, joy, and peace then make sure your feelings, thoughts, perspectives of truth, words, and actions are aligned with what you stand for.
  9. BE TRUE TO YOU. If you need to remove yourself, DO IT! Go take some deep breaths, go pump yourself up with some positive self-talk, come back centered, and/or walk away if you are in your light, trust that you are making the best choices for you in the moment.
  10. TRUST WHERE YOU ARE IN THIS MOMENT. If you tell yourself you shouldn’t be here, you aren’t going to learn the lesson from the experience. It may be a absolutely brutal experience, but it is meant to be a part of your journey because you are in it here and now. Be open to learn from the moment you are having by facing someone else’s darkness. If you fight the reality of what is happening, you are succumbing to your own darkness. You are stuck in fear. If you enter into your darkness while someone is stuck in his or hers, you are feeding the darkness and giving it strength and power to spread. If you can trust the purpose of this moment, you are feeding your light. Your force field becomes stronger.

The side effect of using these tools is the miracles that come with them. The energy we project and attract makes space for AMAZING things when our energy stays focused on the light within us. Our connections and intuition strengthen and we see the world and the people in it through a completely different lens. If you are connecting to this material, you are on an light-filled path. Trust the journey.

 

With Love and Gratitude,

 

Rachael Wolff ©2019

Today’s Letter from A Better Me: 90-Day A Better Me Letters Series: Day 82 – Implementing My Healthy Boundaries in Dark Situations

 

90-Day A Better Me Series: Day 81 – Protecting Our Internal Homes from Vandals

90-Day A Better Me Series

Part III: Living the Journey

Making the Now Count: Rebuilding our Lives

Day 81: Protecting Our Internal Homes from Vandals

“Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.”

-Lao Tzu

Protecting our internal homes from vandals is an essential piece to us becoming the best versions of ourselves. We can’t protect our inner homes without the awareness of why we invited individuals into our homes in the first place. A person can’t come into our internal homes unless he/she is invited. Our thoughts about people give them entry into our homes. How we choose to view them in our homes determines if they will be pleasant guests, teachers, students, entertainers, and/or vandals. We also determine what these individuals leave behind. Did they give us seeds for our garden? Did they give us art for our walls? Did they give us helpful tools to help maintain our homes and gardens? Did they rip of flowers? Did they give us seeds for strangling weeds? Did they mark our homes with graffiti? We become prisoners of the vandals by allowing fear-filled feelings, thoughts, and perspectives of truth of who we interpret them to be, how we perceive their actions, and/or what we perceive that they think into our internal worlds.

They become vandals when we make ourselves their victim in our internal home. We allow them to destroy our homes and turn them into dilapidated shacks by allowing them to have power over our internal space and peace. We give them power by choosing perspectives of fear. The more power we give them, the more destruction we allow them to do. Now, this is not the person in the physical world causing this damage, it’s how we interpret them in our internal world. We can create kind people to be vandals, just as easily as we can turn a sociopath into a vandal. It’s all in how we choose to interpret their words and behavior inside our own heads that creates our internal view of them.

Even I have been a vandal in others internal homes, but remember I have nothing to do with that. If someone doesn’t like my perspective, they can create me to be a vandal. If someone takes something I said as mean or cruel, which could have been me having healthy boundaries, it doesn’t matter, a person can still make me a vandal in his/her head. We see how people do this all the time on social media when they attack other people. In order to attack someone else, the attacker first made the other person a vandal in their own internal world. This other person may be helping millions of people in the world, but if they have a perspective that is different from an unconscious person’s (attacker) perspective and that person decides to ignore the good and embrace the fear of the differences, the image the attacker created in his/her dilapidated shack makes the other good natured person a vandal.

We need to know and understand that no other person can be a vandal in our internal homes without our permission. Narcissists can be very good at charming their way into people’s internal homes, but they still have to be invited in. Not every person who crosses paths with narcissists invites them in. How we protect ourselves from vandals works the same way if we are dealing with narcissists and/or good Samaritans that we choose to view through eyes of fear, because protecting ourselves has NOTHING to do with what these people do in the physical world or who they are in the physical world. Protecting our internal homes has EVERYTHING to do with us taking responsibility for our own perspectives of truth.

Here’s the best part about this process, when we protect our internal homes from narcissists, they have less chance of affecting our lives in the physical world. Narcissists need to be invited into our internal homes to have the power they desire over us in the physical world. Once we stop inviting them in, they lose interest, because if they can’t affect our nature in the physical world, they get bored and go on the hunt for another victim. It may be awhile before they stop attempting to get in. Eventually if we stay consistent, and we FULLY close and lock our door to them, they stop trying. They may even stay in our physical lives in some way (i.e. family members), but we don’t allow them space to vandalize our internal homes. We can choose to them even without inviting them in. To love someone means we are spreading our light to her/him. A person can stay in their darkness without affecting our light.

When we learn how to protect our internal home from vandals, we also will start to see AMAZING shifts and changes in who is attracted into and/or repelled from our physical worlds. I love watching how this process unfolds. I’ve found it fascinating that the healthier I get, the people who are stuck in their darkness have less and less interest in me or they will make me a vandal to their dilapidated shacks. If they choose to make me a vandal, they will attempt to have an altercation with me, and if I don’t allow them into my internal home to vandalize it, I will not respond like they want me too, so they will distance themselves from me. I take this as an ABSOLUTE BLESSING! I trust a person who is stuck in their darkness is on their own journey. If I’m meant to give them a seed from my garden, I do. It’s up to them what they choose to do with it. They may have so many weeds destroying their internal gardens that even if they try to plant my seed it won’t have space to grow. They first have to clean up the weeds before they can see the beauty that lies under them. If deep down a person wants a path out of their own darkness, I imagine them walking just outside of my internal property waiting to know when they are ready.

If we protect our internal homes, it doesn’t matter what others do in their own darkness, we won’t let them destroy our internal homes and the gardens we’ve created around them. Once we realize we can shut our doors to the uninvited and say goodbye to those visitors we invited in who turned into vandals, we are truly empowered to be the BEST versions of ourselves. Our awareness and dedication to do the work to keep us in our light opens us up to lives beyond what we could have ever imagined. When we protect our internal homes, we allow our beacon of light to shine brighter. Our homes stay filled with the love and light that spreads out into the world.

 

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Over the next few days you will get the tools to keep your internal homes protected. Just like everything else in this 90-Day A Better Me Series, these are seeds. You have to decide if you want to plant them. You have to make sure your land is ready. If you struggle with making these seeds grow into strong beautiful additions to your garden, go back to Part I of the series and work it from the beginning. Whatever you do, remember you have the power to change the trajectory of your life by how you choose take care of your internal world. We project out what we create inside. That manifests the reality we live in and attracts back to us what we’ve projected out. We have to make sure we are projecting out the best inner life we can to create an outer life we love and appreciate.

 

With Love and Gratitude,

 

Rachael Wolff ©2019

Check-out today’s Letter from A Better Me: 90-Day A Better Me Letters Series: Day 81 – Protecting My Internal Home from Vandals

 

90-Day A Better Me Letters Series: Day 75 -Being Present With the People I Invite Into My Life

Letters from A Better Me

90-Day A Better Me Letters Series

Part III: Living the Journey

Making the Now Count: Rebuilding our Lives

Day 75: Being Present With the People I Invite Into My Life

Dear Self,

I’ve realized the importance of being present with the people I invite into my life for a variety of reasons. I’ve learned the hard way that people definitely show me who they are and what happens when I don’t want to believe them. I get hurt. Not because they intentionally set out to hurt me, but because hurt is what he/she has inside. They project out what they have inside and a hurt persons actions lead to shaming, blaming, judging, and victimizing. The signs were there early on, but I chose not to see them because I was stuck in my own darkness.

As I learn to take better and better care of myself, I realize that being present with the people I invite into my life is much easier. I not only pay attention to what people are showing me, but I pay attention to what I’m showing them by the choices I’m making. Being present has helped me to slow down to make better choices to project healthy boundaries. I’m showing them how to treat me if they want to be in my life.

Staying present with the people I choose to be in my life has made life much more joy-filled. I find I don’t have expectations of others to be who and what they aren’t. I get to enjoy the moment I’m in for what it is right now. I’m not worried about what it’s going to mean for some future I have no clue about.

If I’m not enjoying myself with the people I’ve invited in, I’ve noticed there isn’t a pull to keep engaging with them. I don’t try to force time with them or make things work that just aren’t meant to be anything more than a lesson of growth. I can say goodbye in peace because I know it’s best for me.

I only know how to do this because I’m treating myself with the love and respect that I deserve. I know my time is valuable, so who I choose to spend it on means something. I want to embrace the connections I have with others in the best way possible. The more honest I am with myself, the more present I allow myself to be in my connections.

I love what being present does for my life. I can learn the lessons I’m meant to learn from the people I invite in, then if the lesson is done—I can let them go. If I’m meant to learn, grow, and expand with the people in my life—They stay. The more present I get, the more aware I become. This is a beautiful journey and I feel truly blessed to share it with the people I’ve invited into my physical and internal worlds.

Today I’m Grateful

  1. I’m grateful for the lessons I get when I stay present with the people in my life.
  2. I’m grateful for learning how to be a better friend by staying present.
  3. I’m grateful for the many blessings that come from staying present in my relationships.
  4. I’m grateful for the way I feel when I’m honest with myself and others.
  5. I’m grateful for each connection I’m blessed enough to get with loved ones.

 

With Love and Gratitude,

 

A Better Me

 

Rachael Wolff ©2019

Don’t forget to read today’s companion piece: 90-Day A Better Me Series: Day 75 – Being Present with the People We Invite Into Our Lives

90-Day A Better Me Letters Series: Day 53 – My Healthy Boundaries

Letters from A Better Me

90-Day A Better Me Letters Series

Part II: A Journey of Perspective

What Launches Us Forward: The Stable Foundation

Day 53: My Healthy Boundaries

Dear Self,

I know that my boundaries are in a healthy place because my self-worth, self-respect, and self-love are all intact. I know my energies are in-line to keep me protected by how I feel when I’m choosing my feelings, thoughts, beliefs, actions, and reactions. If I can feel the light energy, which feels light and expanding, I have my light force field up around me and I don’t feel the need force myself on others.

My healthy boundaries help lead me to the people and situations that will best serve my personal growth. It will also help lead me to others who want the seeds of what I’m choosing to grow in my internal garden. If I’m meant to serve someone else, I will trust they will be brought into my life. If my healthy boundaries are meant to teach them the power of light, I’m here.

I know I’m where I’m supposed to be learning whatever lessons I’m meant to be learning. What is important that I keep checking in with myself to make sure I’m not feeding the fears inside me create blocks to learning.

The more I visualize my light force field around me, the more I trust that there is a reason for my challenging experiences. I trust that my challenges are guiding me to create an even bigger and brighter light surrounding me—Shining from the inside out.

Today I’m grateful 

  1. I’m grateful for my ability to strengthen my light-filled force field
  2. I’m grateful for opportunities to learn from how much light I’m choosing to shine
  3. I’m grateful for being open to where my healthy boundaries take me
  4. I’m grateful for when my healthy boundaries tell me it’s time to walk away
  5. I’m grateful for all the incredible signs I get when I’m following the light from my force field

With Love and Gratitude,

 

A Better Me

 

Rachael Wolff ©2019

Did you read today’s companion piece? 90-Day A Better Me Series: Day 53 – Healthy Boundaries

90-Day A Better Me Series: Day 53 – Healthy Boundaries

90-Day A Better Me Series

Part II: A Journey of Perspective

What Launches Us Forward: The Stable Foundation

Day 53: Healthy Boundaries

“Respect yourself and others will respect you.”

-Confucius

As we grow in our self-worth, our healthy boundaries start naturally establishing themselves. We no longer try to force and demand other people to respect us. We no longer feel bad when we are not getting treated the way we feel like we deserve. We learn, the more we treat ourselves with respect, the people around us will feel the light of our self-respect, not the darkness from the fear of not being respected. We have to have the respect for ourselves to show people how to treat us.

If we want other people to see our time and love is valuable to them, the time and love we invest in ourselves shows them that. I didn’t have self-worth, self-respect, or self-love when I was growing up, and my feelings, thoughts, beliefs, actions, and reactions to what other people did reflected that. To the point where I did try to kill myself because I felt like I had absolutely no value. I couldn’t establish healthy boundaries with others because I put my value in their feelings, thoughts, beliefs, actions, and reactions. We can’t establish healthy boundaries from our fears. When we attempt to, we are actually attracting more of the people that will not respect those boundaries because our focus is on what we don’t want.

The real focus of fear-based boundaries is the fear of not being respected, not being loved, and not being appreciated. That leads us to feeling disappointed over and over again. Our perspective of truth is trapped in our own darkness. A person could be showing us their version of love, respect, and appreciation but if our focus is on our fear-based perspectives of truth (Days 43-46), we won’t see it because if their version looks different than ours, our fear-based perspectives of their words, beliefs, actions, and reactions tells us they are in the wrong.

“Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.”

-Lao Tzu

When we are shining our light from our self-love, self-respect, and self-worth, we project that out to the people around us. They will either shine their light back, walk away from our light, or attempt to dim our light to test how strong our light is. Our healthy boundaries are an energetic force field around us.

I think of it as the little prayer I learned, bless it or block it. If I have something to learn from a person, he/she will come into my life. If there is nothing to learn from their experience it won’t be presented to me. Now, this includes videos, news stories, music, books, seminars, media coverage, social media posts, celebrities, etc. I have the opportunity to learn from whatever my journey has brought me to see.

  • Have you ever heard the perfect song for what you are going through on the radio?
  • Have you ever heard that song that brought all your tears about a situation to the surface?
  • Have you ever been suggested to read a book or watch a video multiple times by people who weren’t connected to each other?
  • Have you ever turned on the TV and catch a show that you find a message in? Have you ever had a book fall off a shelf in front of you?

I can go on with the lists of questions, but I think you get the point.

If we need to work on our light force field, we will be presented with lessons that can help us build and strengthen it, but we won’t learn those lessons if we are stuck in the topics we talked about in Part I (Days 2-30) of the 90-Day A Better Me Series. That is why it is so important to start this journey by becoming aware of what is blocking us from creating these light force fields around ourselves. We have to establish trust on this journey of learning. We have to be able to spot our own darkness (fear) and shine the light (love) on it.

I’m respected by the people I choose to have in my life, because I respect myself. I don’t expect others to give me what I’m not giving myself. When I have an expectation of others, I can look at it and see how I’m not showing myself  my own respect, love, and/or worth in the situation. I can’t correct the problem, until I change my perspective on how I’m looking at it. If I’m blaming them, my darkness is leading me. That dark force field will project an energy out that I REALLY don’t want to be coming back to me. I sometimes will have to bust my ass doing the work to get out of that space. The difference for me is now I don’t resist those lessons. I don’t tell myself that whatever happened shouldn’t have happened. It did happen, that’s reality. There is a blessing in whatever comes my way. When I see the blessing, I contribute to my light energy force field (Healthy boundaries).

The best part is that our healthy light force field isn’t just about protecting us from the feelings and actions of others. It helps protect us from making unhealthy choices against ourselves in our feelings, thoughts, actions, and reactions. With food, it may mean we won’t pick up an item to fill an emotional void. With health, we may get little energy nudges to do, eat, take, or drink specific things to assist with healing something within us. It can steer us away from things that aren’t healthy for us—people, places, and/or things included. The more light we learn to shine, the clearer we see our healthy boundaries. We start thanking our Creator for being late because it helped us to miss an accident. We start feeling gratitude for Divine timing. We start seeing the blessings in our lives on a whole new level.

Just for Today

Answer these questions:

  • Are you trying to establish personal boundaries from love or fear?
  • How are people responding to these energetic force fields you are creating?
  • How can you improve your self-worth, self-respect, and self-love to create a stronger light energy force field?
  • If you already have a light energy force field that you feel, what blessing is it bringing to your life?

This REALLY is a MIRACLE-filled journey once we open the doors and commit to learning how to shine our own lights brighter. We truly learn the meaning of living an AWE-filled life. What we see becomes so much more beautiful. Enjoy the journey!

Thank you for reading!

 

With Love and Gratitude,

 

Rachael Wolff ©2019

Did you read today’s companion piece? 90-Day A Better Me Letters Series: Day 53 – My Healthy Boundaries