90-Day A Better Me Letters Series: Day 82 – Implementing My Healthy Boundaries in Dark Situations

Letters from A Better Me

90-Day A Better Me Letters Series

Part III: Living the Journey

Making the Now Count: Rebuilding our Lives

Day 82: Implementing My Healthy Boundaries in Dark Situations

Dear Self,

I’ve learned so much on this journey of implementing my boundaries. What I’ve realized in my practice of using my healthy tools is that I no longer take on other people’s darkness. I used to feel like I had to engage in the darkness (i.e. fear) to get my point across or not be walked on by someone in their darkness, but what I realized is that by engaging in their darkness only makes me feed and spread mine. I definitely DON’T want to be doing that. I’ve learned how to listen while being lovingly unattached to their energy. I can’t say I do this perfect every time, but the more I do it, the better I get.

One of my biggest challenges in implementing my healthy boundaries is to STAY PRESENT!!! It can be very easy to be caught up in the story whether it is mine or someone else’s. When I realize I’m feeding the darkness of a story, I need to pull back and re-group because it means I got out of the present moment. People who are REALLY stuck in their darkness will have story after story filled with blame, shame, guilt, judgment, victimhood, and hate it may be aimed at me or someone else, but if a person isn’t taking any personal responsibility for where they are, they are lost in darkness. I don’t help them by feeding into it. If and when I stay present, my other natural healthy boundaries fall into line. If I’m challenged to stay present, it just means I have to work a little harder to stay in my light.

It is such a blessing not to feel obligated to take on someone else’s darkness. When I remind myself of that, I don’t feel the weight of someone else’s energy. I don’t try to control their journey or get tied to their story. I can step back and remind myself that the only person I am responsible for is me. What they choose to do with their energy is their business. If I shine my light and they see it, it means they have a want to get out of their own darkness. If they don’t see it, they are comfortable where they are and they will be until the darkness gets too much for them to handle.

My calmness can help to ease and lift some of the dark energy in the room. If my darkness isn’t triggered by their darkness it brings light into the situation whether they want to be apart of it or not. I’m protected in the calm. I can think clearly when I’m calm, present, and not attaching to any of their story.

When I struggle with implementing my tools, I pray! PRAY! And PRAY SOME MORE! There are times where I feel the fear creeping up in me so I know that I’m not fueling the energy of what I stand for and those are the times I need to pray the most. I pray for guidance and that the words coming out of my mouth are will come from a loving place. I pray that I’m guided to take action in a way that serves the best possible outcome in the situation. I pray for the courage and strength to stay in my light. I know when I pray; I’m focused on being the best I can be in the moment.

People who are trapped in their darkness aren’t seeking to hurt me personally. They may be trying to hurt what I represent in their heads, but what I represent in their heads has nothing to do with who I really am. It is a distorted image created by their own darkness. This is not personal. They are looking at me through a story based on perspectives of truth led by fear. I may be the villain or the vandal in their story because I’m not engaging in their darkness with them and that’s ok. They are where they are. If I keep feeling, thinking, believing, and acting from a loving place, I’m being true to me. I won’t leave the situation with any regrets because I will trust exactly how the exchange went. I will take the lessons I need to make me better, and then I get to move on. I’m free!

Today I’m Grateful

  1. I’m so incredibly grateful that I have the tools to keep me out of someone else’s darkness.
  2. I’m grateful I have healthy boundaries because it means I’m taking care of me.
  3. I’m grateful that I know that I’m always exactly where I’m supposed to be in this moment.
  4. I’m grateful for the power of long deep breaths.
  5. I’m grateful that EVERYDAY I do the work, I get better.

 

With Love and Gratitude,

 

A Better Me

 

Rachael Wolff © 2019

Read Today’s Installment to get 10 Essentials to Implementing Healthy Boundaries in Dark Situations: 90-Day A Better Me Series: Day 82 – Implementing Healthy Boundaries in Dark Situations

 

 

 

90-Day A Better Me Letters Series: Day 81 – Protecting My Internal Home from Vandals

Letters from A Better Me

90-Day A Better Me Letters Series

Part III: Living the Journey

Making the Now Count: Rebuilding our Lives

Day 81: Protecting My Internal Home from Vandals

Dear Self,

You have done great work to build a life from a loving place. The foundation to which I’ve built my internal home and garden is stable, solid, and strong. Now it’s my job to protect what I’ve built. I have to do the work to maintain my home and grow my garden.

When I commit to doing the work of caring for my internal home, I’m aware of who I’m inviting in. I can only protect my inner world by staying conscious of where my feelings, thoughts, and perspectives of truths are taking me. If I’m choosing to spend mental time on people who are stuck in their darkness, then I’ve invited them in. The more space I give them in my home, the more damage they will do. I don’t have to let anyone in my home that doesn’t serve my best self. Anytime I’ve chosen to be a victim of someone I’ve invited in, they have the power to vandalize my home. This is not a real person. It’s only my thoughts about them. I created this version of them in my world, so I have the power to make them anyway I see fit. If I don’t want to be a victim of them, I have to choose differently.

Only I can make the choice whether or not to invite them in. I do this by how I’m choosing to give my perspectives of individuals power in my internal world. If I’m letting someone I don’t want there take over my fear-filled perspectives. I’m filling my home with darkness. Vandals are hiding in my dark spots ready to come out. The more I choose love, the less dark hiding places I have.

Vandals have no place in my home. My home is meant to shine light. My house has been built to send loving energy into the world. My energy is aligned with the life and people I want in my world.

I can experience people in their darkness in the physical world without ever needing to bring them into my internal home. This is the gift of awareness, perception, and action. This is an amazing journey and where my true empowerment lies.

Today I’m Grateful

  1. I’m grateful for my choices of who I want to invite into my internal home.
  2. I’m grateful I have the tools to maintain my internal home and garden.
  3. I’m grateful for the knowledge that the healthy of my inner world is up to me.
  4. I’m grateful for the light that comes from within me lighting the way.
  5. I’m grateful that I’m abundant in my inner world.

 

With Love and Gratitude,

 

A Better Me

 

Rachael Wolff ©2019

Today’s companion piece: 90-Day A Better Me Series: Day 81 – Protecting Our Internal Homes from Vandals

90-Day A Better Me Series: Day 81 – Protecting Our Internal Homes from Vandals

90-Day A Better Me Series

Part III: Living the Journey

Making the Now Count: Rebuilding our Lives

Day 81: Protecting Our Internal Homes from Vandals

“Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.”

-Lao Tzu

Protecting our internal homes from vandals is an essential piece to us becoming the best versions of ourselves. We can’t protect our inner homes without the awareness of why we invited individuals into our homes in the first place. A person can’t come into our internal homes unless he/she is invited. Our thoughts about people give them entry into our homes. How we choose to view them in our homes determines if they will be pleasant guests, teachers, students, entertainers, and/or vandals. We also determine what these individuals leave behind. Did they give us seeds for our garden? Did they give us art for our walls? Did they give us helpful tools to help maintain our homes and gardens? Did they rip of flowers? Did they give us seeds for strangling weeds? Did they mark our homes with graffiti? We become prisoners of the vandals by allowing fear-filled feelings, thoughts, and perspectives of truth of who we interpret them to be, how we perceive their actions, and/or what we perceive that they think into our internal worlds.

They become vandals when we make ourselves their victim in our internal home. We allow them to destroy our homes and turn them into dilapidated shacks by allowing them to have power over our internal space and peace. We give them power by choosing perspectives of fear. The more power we give them, the more destruction we allow them to do. Now, this is not the person in the physical world causing this damage, it’s how we interpret them in our internal world. We can create kind people to be vandals, just as easily as we can turn a sociopath into a vandal. It’s all in how we choose to interpret their words and behavior inside our own heads that creates our internal view of them.

Even I have been a vandal in others internal homes, but remember I have nothing to do with that. If someone doesn’t like my perspective, they can create me to be a vandal. If someone takes something I said as mean or cruel, which could have been me having healthy boundaries, it doesn’t matter, a person can still make me a vandal in his/her head. We see how people do this all the time on social media when they attack other people. In order to attack someone else, the attacker first made the other person a vandal in their own internal world. This other person may be helping millions of people in the world, but if they have a perspective that is different from an unconscious person’s (attacker) perspective and that person decides to ignore the good and embrace the fear of the differences, the image the attacker created in his/her dilapidated shack makes the other good natured person a vandal.

We need to know and understand that no other person can be a vandal in our internal homes without our permission. Narcissists can be very good at charming their way into people’s internal homes, but they still have to be invited in. Not every person who crosses paths with narcissists invites them in. How we protect ourselves from vandals works the same way if we are dealing with narcissists and/or good Samaritans that we choose to view through eyes of fear, because protecting ourselves has NOTHING to do with what these people do in the physical world or who they are in the physical world. Protecting our internal homes has EVERYTHING to do with us taking responsibility for our own perspectives of truth.

Here’s the best part about this process, when we protect our internal homes from narcissists, they have less chance of affecting our lives in the physical world. Narcissists need to be invited into our internal homes to have the power they desire over us in the physical world. Once we stop inviting them in, they lose interest, because if they can’t affect our nature in the physical world, they get bored and go on the hunt for another victim. It may be awhile before they stop attempting to get in. Eventually if we stay consistent, and we FULLY close and lock our door to them, they stop trying. They may even stay in our physical lives in some way (i.e. family members), but we don’t allow them space to vandalize our internal homes. We can choose to them even without inviting them in. To love someone means we are spreading our light to her/him. A person can stay in their darkness without affecting our light.

When we learn how to protect our internal home from vandals, we also will start to see AMAZING shifts and changes in who is attracted into and/or repelled from our physical worlds. I love watching how this process unfolds. I’ve found it fascinating that the healthier I get, the people who are stuck in their darkness have less and less interest in me or they will make me a vandal to their dilapidated shacks. If they choose to make me a vandal, they will attempt to have an altercation with me, and if I don’t allow them into my internal home to vandalize it, I will not respond like they want me too, so they will distance themselves from me. I take this as an ABSOLUTE BLESSING! I trust a person who is stuck in their darkness is on their own journey. If I’m meant to give them a seed from my garden, I do. It’s up to them what they choose to do with it. They may have so many weeds destroying their internal gardens that even if they try to plant my seed it won’t have space to grow. They first have to clean up the weeds before they can see the beauty that lies under them. If deep down a person wants a path out of their own darkness, I imagine them walking just outside of my internal property waiting to know when they are ready.

If we protect our internal homes, it doesn’t matter what others do in their own darkness, we won’t let them destroy our internal homes and the gardens we’ve created around them. Once we realize we can shut our doors to the uninvited and say goodbye to those visitors we invited in who turned into vandals, we are truly empowered to be the BEST versions of ourselves. Our awareness and dedication to do the work to keep us in our light opens us up to lives beyond what we could have ever imagined. When we protect our internal homes, we allow our beacon of light to shine brighter. Our homes stay filled with the love and light that spreads out into the world.

 

IMG_3968

Over the next few days you will get the tools to keep your internal homes protected. Just like everything else in this 90-Day A Better Me Series, these are seeds. You have to decide if you want to plant them. You have to make sure your land is ready. If you struggle with making these seeds grow into strong beautiful additions to your garden, go back to Part I of the series and work it from the beginning. Whatever you do, remember you have the power to change the trajectory of your life by how you choose take care of your internal world. We project out what we create inside. That manifests the reality we live in and attracts back to us what we’ve projected out. We have to make sure we are projecting out the best inner life we can to create an outer life we love and appreciate.

 

With Love and Gratitude,

 

Rachael Wolff ©2019

Check-out today’s Letter from A Better Me: 90-Day A Better Me Letters Series: Day 81 – Protecting My Internal Home from Vandals

 

90-Day A Better Me Series: Day 78 – Using Self-Reflection When We Are Triggered

90-Day A Better Me Series

Part III: Living the Journey

Making the Now Count: Rebuilding our Lives

Day 78: Using Self-Reflection When We Are Triggered

“Self-reflection is the school of wisdom.”

-Baltasar Gracian

One of the best tools I ever received about how to become a better me through my relationships with others was by looking at others like a mirror. If a person triggers us—There’s a connection. Sometimes we are connecting to a part of ourselves that we don’t like, haven’t accepted, and/or hasn’t healed. People are our doorways to personal growth. Sometimes the person reminds us of someone from the past who we felt hurt by and that pain hasn’t healed so we take it out on the person we are interacting with now. These unhealed parts of us are creating toxic build-up within our bodies and our energy fields. Whatever way we cut it, if we emotionally react to someone else’s behavior it is affecting energy inside of us. No one is responsible for that energy but the person looking back at us in the mirror. The people who trigger us are our teachers. We have something important to learn from the interaction, and it’s not about the person’s behavior and/or words. It’s about our reactions to their behaviors and/or words. They are the storytellers of their own stories, and that isn’t our business. Our business is what is happening inside of us and how we are projecting our energy out into the world.

Once we are clear with what is going on inside of us, it makes it possible to have healthy communications with others. Even if they decide to stay in their darkness—We have the power to bring our light to the situation. In order to get there, we must first self-reflect.  Self-reflection is the only way we can decipher what is our stuff and what is their stuff. Once we know that—Life becomes so much less dramatic. Oh, and if you have kids, they are GREATteachers! Kids can get us to go DEEP into our self-reflection pond if we are open enough to REALLY look at ourselves.

“The greatest of faults, is to be conscious of none.”

-Thomas Caryle

20 Questions to Help You Dig Into Self-Reflection When You’re Triggered

  1. What characteristics about this person are creating me to have a negative reaction?
  2. Do I see any of those characteristics in myself?
  3. Do I see any of those characteristics in a person from my past?
  4. Is my reaction REALLY about the person in front of me?
  5. Why is what this person is doing or saying right now affecting me negatively?
  6. What qualities do I like about this person?
  7. Do I sense any jealousy or envy within me about what they have, what they do, whom they are connected to, and/or how they communicate?
  8. Is the person I’m interacting with being her/himself and I’m reacting because I’m expecting them to act differently than she/he is capable?
  9. Are my expectations of others really my expectations of myself that I’m falling short on?
  10. Is it my place to judge someone else’s journey?
  11. Who’s stuff am I reacting to—Theirs or mine?
  12. Do I have the power to change the other person? NO—The answer is ALWAYS NO.
  13. Do I have the power to change my perspectives? YES—The answer is ALWAYS YES.
  14. Is my reaction causing my tightness, discomfort, and pain? If so, is what I’m feeling serving me?
  15. How can I change my thinking to move myself to operating from a loving place inside?
  16. How does this exchange have the power to help heal past wounds?
  17. How can I help myself to stay in a place of peace while interacting with this person?
  18. Can I communicate/act from a loving place in this moment? If not, silence is the best option.
  19. Am I representing the energy I want to project out into the world in this moment?
  20. What actions can I take to shine my light in the darkness of this person’s words and/or actions?

Just keep in mind, we are NEVER responsible for the energy of others, but we are ALWAYS responsible for the energy we are putting out into the world through our feelings, thoughts, perspectives of truth, and actions. Self-reflection is the only way we can heal our energy and make sure we are projecting the loving energy we want to manifest out and reflect back to us. We reap what we sow.Make sure you are holding yourself accountable for your reactions to others. When we master our triggers—We know internal peace. Only then can we manifest peace around us. This is the path to becoming the change we want to see in the world around us. We can’t fix what’s outside of us, until we are operating from the best place inside of us.

 

With Love and Gratitude,

 

Rachael Wolff ©2019

Don’t forget to read today’s companion piece: 90-Day A Better Me Letters Series: Day 78 – I’m Triggered! Using Self-Reflection to Heal My Energy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

90-Day A Better Me Letters Series: Day 77 – Giving Without Giving Myself Away

Letters from A Better Me

90-Day A Better Me Letters Series

Part III: Living the Journey

Making the Now Count: Rebuilding our Lives

Day 77: Giving Without Giving Myself Away

Dear Self,

I AM! I exist, so whatever title I take on is not my identity. If I lose any of my titles I don’t lose the fact that I still AM. My connection to the Divine Energy rests in the place of I AM. I AM is right here and right now in this moment. When I’m in this place, I give from a full tank, a full well—A place of abundance. I’m not giving to feel complete in some way. I’m not using my giving as a way to fill a void, to get something that I want, or to get into a beautiful afterlife. I give from a loving place, which is how I choose to follow the path laid out by Spirit. I give from a loving place inspired by stories of others who have given from a loving place.  I give from a loving place because it is what lights up my soul.

The black hole that is created by lack is not where my energy rests anymore. I’m not anyone’s doormat. When I stay in the present moment, in the place of I AM, I can see and feel when it feels right to give and when it doesn’t. I make conscious choices because my head is where my feet are.

Now, when I give—I feel energized! The process of giving isn’t taking away my energy like it used to when I gave from a place of lack. I can only give from the place of I Am if I do the work to stay in the energy. This is a daily commitment to being honest with myself. I take the time to love myself and show myself the love and respect that I deserve. Only when I do that am I not giving myself away.  I’ve taught the people how to treat me, and I trust that whoever comes into my life has a purpose for being there.

I give without giving myself away because I’m willing to take responsibility for my choices. I accept my past. I’m not confining myself to a prison sentence because I don’t feel worthy because of my past mistakes. They were apart of my learning process and I’m stronger because of them. The life of lack and darkness was depleting. I no longer make the choice to do that to myself anymore.

In every moment I AM exactly where I’m supposed to be, learning what I’m supposed to be learning, teaching what I’m supposed to be teaching, and living like I’m supposed to be living. The more I live within this moment the more conscious I am of what I’m choosing to give my energy too.

With this journey I’ve learned to be very patient with myself. If I don’t react from a loving place, it’s just an opportunity to learn and grow. How I give is a reflection of where I am inside. My honesty is critical for not giving myself away!

Today I’m Grateful

  1. I’m grateful for feeling abundant.
  2. I’m grateful for my ability to give from a loving place.
  3. I’m grateful for my commitment to self-care.
  4. I’m grateful for I AM.
  5. I’m grateful for the tools I have to be A BETTER ME.

 

With Love and Gratitude,

 

A Better Me

 

Rachael Wolff ©2019

Here’s a link to Today’s A Better Me Message: 90-Day A Better Me Series: Day 77 – How We Give Without Giving Ourselves Away Get 11 Steps to Giving Without Giving Yourself Away.

 

 

 

 

90-Day A Better Me Series: Day 77 – How We Give Without Giving Ourselves Away

90-Day A Better Me Series

Part III: Living the Journey

Making the Now Count: Rebuilding our Lives

Day 77: How We Give Without Giving Ourselves Away

“Respect yourself and others will respect you.”

-Confucius

Giving without giving ourselves away. We give ourselves away if we are lost in our titles (mom, dad, single parent, son, daughter, wife, husband, girlfriend, boyfriend, partner, executive, cashier, doctor, rich, poor, disabled, good Samaritan, Christian, Buddhist, Muslim, Jewish, people pleaser, etc.) takes work. It’s self-work. If we don’t give time for self-work, our titles can become our identities. When they become our identities we’ve lost ourselves. Have you ever felt too spread thin because of all your titles?

From Day 2 of this series until Day 90 you are getting tools how not to give yourself away. The 90-Day A Better Me Seriesis the doorway into the work, but only you can choose if you want to step through the door. Otherwise, you are welcome to stay the doormat that lies down in front of it. There are many ways to do the work beyond what I offer here. I wouldn’t have been able to write the series if I didn’t find ways to do the work. I had to do the work to get to the place where I am now, and I continue to have to do the work daily to keep me here. I can easily fall back into giving myself away if I choose to stop doing the work.

We can follow paths that these titles have created, but underneath every single title, we are still here. We are still I AM.  I AM is a complete sentence, without following the path of any title, we still exist, our identities aren’t in the titles we carry. Grief of losing any title is SO MUCH WORSE if we put our identities into the title. Each path that a title takes us on are learning and growing experiences. There are going to be lessons and ways to give and to receive on EVERY path, but losing ourselves in the giving is when we think we ARE the title. We can be the best we can at any title we choose, and we can let the titles trap us in victim roles. Neither one is who we are. I AM is who each of us are. That is the beginning. So in order to NOT give ourselves away, we have to embrace I AM. Like I said, the details of these steps lie in each day of this series.

When we start becoming aware, more doors and pathways beyond the series will start opening. People will start showing up with more tools. Books will literally be mentioned multiple times in multiple ways unrelated to each other.  A topic you need to hear will be presented. It’s wild what happens when you decide to commit to the work. Miracles after miracle unfold before our eyes. One of the results of all this work is we NATURALLY don’t give ourselves away. It’s not forced. We don’t have to feel anger and resentment when people ask us to do beyond what we feel comfortable doing—Our energy remains peaceful. We can see the difference between what is theirs and what is ours.

If you are feeling a sense of excitement within you right now, that is a calling that you are ready to do the work. If you are feelings resistance, I highly suggest reading the entire series and see if that helps you feel excited. It’s FREE, and YOU ARE WORTH the time and energy, because this process is the bottomless well of life’s fuel. Instead of losing energy like we do when we give ourselves away (Day 28), we form healthy natural boundaries (Day 53) that replenish our energy instead of depleting it. We give when we feel a natural pull to give, we say no or delegate when we don’t. Our energy doesn’t shift with the chaos around us because the chaos is not who we are.  Here is a quick rundown of how to get to doorway of I AM, open it, and walk through it. Each step guides you to a part in the 90-Day A Better Me Seriesthat can lead you through the step in detail. Each part of the series is 30 days (Part I Days 1-30, Part II Days 31-60, Part II Days 61-90).

11-Steps to Giving Without Giving Ourselves Away—The Path of I AM

  1. Become aware of the titles you are getting lost in (Part I).
  2. Figure out what is blocking you from living as I AM (Part I).
  3. Accept and forgive yourself for how you’ve chosen to live that brings you pain and suffering (Part II).
  4. Question why you have chosen perspectives of truth that make you feel like you have to give yourself away to the titles (Part II).
  5. FIND YOUR VALUE AND WORTH (Part II)!!!
  6. Create new perspectives of truth (Part II).
  7. Give yourself the time you need to show yourself you value, love, and respect yourself (Part III).
  8. BE PATIENT and BE KIND (Part III) to yourself during this process because it takes time. Just think about how long it took you to become so imbedded in these titles that you made them your identity. There is a process of grief when we release our attachment to them. According to Kubler-Ross the 5-stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. When they pop up recognize them and accept that is where you are in the moment.
  9. QUESTION YOUR FEELINGS, THOUGHTS, AND ACTIONS (Part III)!!! If they are creating chaos and drama in in your physical and emotional world, use your perspective tools. Figure out what energy you are projecting—Fear (darkness/lack) or love (light/abundance).
  10. BE PRESENT (Part III)! Only in your present moment does the connection to I AM exist. Slow yourself down and do the work step by step in the present moment to project the energy you want to be sending out into the world. When we are present, we don’t give ourselves away because our head is where our feet are. We are conscious of our energy and what we need to do in this moment to align it with our choices, doorways, paths, and most of all the Divine Energy that created us to be I AM.
  11. Give from a place of abundance (Part III). When we are full, our actions are full. We are giving from a place of peace. We don’t expect our actions to trigger someone else to do something to complete us. When we are giving from a place of lack, we are NOT contributing to the positive flow of energy in our lives. We are expecting our giving to fill a hole. So it becomes the black hole that we lose ourselves in.

When we take these steps we are living in I AM. We can flow in and out of I AM as we grow and expand. We have to make the choice to be in I AM in each moment, which is why it only exists in the present. When we reach the point of I AM on a more regular basis, our lives truly reflect the abundance of our existence. Our purpose becomes clear and we give without giving ourselves away.

 

With Love and Gratitude,

 

Rachael Wolff ©2019

Don’t forget to read today’s companion piece: 90-Day A Better Me Letters Series: Day 77 – Giving Without Giving Myself Away

90-Day A Better Me Letters Series: Day 75 -Being Present With the People I Invite Into My Life

Letters from A Better Me

90-Day A Better Me Letters Series

Part III: Living the Journey

Making the Now Count: Rebuilding our Lives

Day 75: Being Present With the People I Invite Into My Life

Dear Self,

I’ve realized the importance of being present with the people I invite into my life for a variety of reasons. I’ve learned the hard way that people definitely show me who they are and what happens when I don’t want to believe them. I get hurt. Not because they intentionally set out to hurt me, but because hurt is what he/she has inside. They project out what they have inside and a hurt persons actions lead to shaming, blaming, judging, and victimizing. The signs were there early on, but I chose not to see them because I was stuck in my own darkness.

As I learn to take better and better care of myself, I realize that being present with the people I invite into my life is much easier. I not only pay attention to what people are showing me, but I pay attention to what I’m showing them by the choices I’m making. Being present has helped me to slow down to make better choices to project healthy boundaries. I’m showing them how to treat me if they want to be in my life.

Staying present with the people I choose to be in my life has made life much more joy-filled. I find I don’t have expectations of others to be who and what they aren’t. I get to enjoy the moment I’m in for what it is right now. I’m not worried about what it’s going to mean for some future I have no clue about.

If I’m not enjoying myself with the people I’ve invited in, I’ve noticed there isn’t a pull to keep engaging with them. I don’t try to force time with them or make things work that just aren’t meant to be anything more than a lesson of growth. I can say goodbye in peace because I know it’s best for me.

I only know how to do this because I’m treating myself with the love and respect that I deserve. I know my time is valuable, so who I choose to spend it on means something. I want to embrace the connections I have with others in the best way possible. The more honest I am with myself, the more present I allow myself to be in my connections.

I love what being present does for my life. I can learn the lessons I’m meant to learn from the people I invite in, then if the lesson is done—I can let them go. If I’m meant to learn, grow, and expand with the people in my life—They stay. The more present I get, the more aware I become. This is a beautiful journey and I feel truly blessed to share it with the people I’ve invited into my physical and internal worlds.

Today I’m Grateful

  1. I’m grateful for the lessons I get when I stay present with the people in my life.
  2. I’m grateful for learning how to be a better friend by staying present.
  3. I’m grateful for the many blessings that come from staying present in my relationships.
  4. I’m grateful for the way I feel when I’m honest with myself and others.
  5. I’m grateful for each connection I’m blessed enough to get with loved ones.

 

With Love and Gratitude,

 

A Better Me

 

Rachael Wolff ©2019

Don’t forget to read today’s companion piece: 90-Day A Better Me Series: Day 75 – Being Present with the People We Invite Into Our Lives

90-Day A Better Me Series: Day 75 – Being Present with the People We Invite Into Our Lives

90-Day A Better Me Series

Part III: Living the Journey

Making the Now Count: Rebuilding our Lives

Day 75: Being Present with the People We Invite Into Our Lives

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. People know themselves much better than you do. That’s why it’s important to stop expecting them to be something other than who they are.”

–Maya Angelou

We blind ourselves to see the people we are with when our focus in on the past and/or the future. We don’t see the person they are showing us. So much information is given in the moment. It’s the actions right now, not the promises of any unforeseen future that matter. If we allow people into our physical and internal lives, the best thing we can do for ourselves and the relationship is to be conscious in each moment we are with them. Sometimes we find that person doesn’t fit into the internal life we are working on living. They may have just meant to come in to show us a lesson, then leave. A person won’t leave our internal home until we shut the door. They will linger around stirring up lessons because we didn’t learn them when they were physically in our lives. Have you ever hung onto an unhealthy relationship for a lot longer than the relationship was actually about of your life? This relationship could be with a family member, friend, romantic partner, community member, boss and/or coworker.

“You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop, and what you reinforce.”

-Tony Gaskins

When we are present with the people in our lives, we can consciously make choices that show that person how to treat us. We don’t lie down in front of them for them to wipe their feet on us, because we know we are not doormats. We have to be present with others and with ourselves to see how we are allowing others to treat us. If we love and respect ourselves, remain present, and stay mentally conscious, we will be able to respond in a way that is healthy for us.

“You silently teach others how to treat you by how you treat yourself. Move yourself up your priority list immediately.”

– Lisa Marie Rosat

The reason I have Part I, II, and III of the 90-Day A Better Me Seriesis that it take us being and doing better before we can be treated better by others and treat others better. Only then can we be conscious with each person in each moment we are interacting. This is not a process that happens over night.  We will get the exact experiences we need to help us learn, grow, and expand our consciousness. Each person who comes into our physical lives serves a purpose. Each person we invite into our internal homes gives us our greatest lessons and blessings. We bring our light and darkness to the forefront through our exchanges. If we become aware and present— We learn, grow and expand our abundant lives!

10 Ways to be Present with the People We Invite into Our Lives

  1. Stop attaching to promises of the future.
  2. Actively listen to what the person is doing and saying—Are the two even matching up? Remember, they are showing you who they are.
  3. Let the past go and see the person who is standing in front of you. People can and do change, but only as much as they want to. The same goes for you!
  4. Show yourself love, so that you are treating yourself the way you want to be treated by someone else. When the energies match up—You will be consciously showing them how to treat you in each moment.
  5. DON’T EVER neglect your self-care! If you do, it will be hard for you to be present enough to see the person in front of you.
  6. Don’t expect others to do what you are not doing for yourself. You are the example they will follow in any given moment.
  7. Don’t expect others to be more than they who they are. If you are unhappy with the person in front of you—Change your perspectives, feelings, thoughts, and actions even if that action is to walk out the door and shut it. You aren’t responsible for someone else changing; you are only responsible for yourself.
  8. Be conscious if you are shining your light (love) or your darkness (fear) into your interactions with others. This means you are conscious of where your energy is while your listening and speaking and that your actions in that moment are reflecting the energy you want to be contributing to the situation. This keeps you PRESENT!
  9. Ask yourself—What is the person I’m allowing into my life teaching me in this moment? What am I learning from how I’m feeling, thinking, believing, and acting? Is there anything I can change in this moment?
  10. Be honest about who you are! If you can’t be honest, that is not a healthy relationship to have in your life and it will only contribute to growing your own darkness. When we are present, we see who belongs and who doesn’t belong in our lives. You have to love yourself enough to embrace the person you are. The people who genuinely love you will stay. The ones who don’t will leave. You can save a lot of time and trouble by being honest in your interactions.

Enjoy the journey of presence!

 

With Love and Gratitude,

 

Rachael Wolff ©2019

Don’t forget to read today’s companion piece: 90-Day A Better Me Letters Series: Day 75 -Being Present With the People I Invite Into My Life

90-Day A Better Me Letters Series: Day 73 – Constructing My Self-Care Regimen

Letters from A Better Me

90-Day A Better Me Letters Series

Part III: Living the Journey

Making the Now Count: Rebuilding our Lives

Day 73: Constructing My Self-Care Regimen

Dear Self,

I’m taking the time to construct my self-care regimen by going through what I use to help me in different areas of my life. Once I’ve done this, I will figure out how to make time for the tools on a daily basis to continuously help me appreciate and improve my life and my relationships with others.

  1. How am I taking care of my connection to my spiritual life and beliefs? I take time to connect everyday with my gratitude with prayer, gratitude lists, free writing, letter writing, meditation, listening to music, and/or embracing nature. I also connect to other’s in my spiritual community.
  2. How am I taking care of quieting my mind? I use meditation, yoga, nature, breathing exercises, mindfulness meditations, get enough sleep, listen to instrumental or chanting music, and/or practicing presence
  3. How am I taking care of accepting myself in the mirror? I use positive self-talk, affirmations, letter writing, and/or gratitude for what my body does for me.
  4. How am I taking care of my body and organs? I get enough sleep, yoga, dance, walking, drinking lemon water in the morning, water throughout the day, drinking fruit/vegetable smoothies, eating nutritious foods, occasional cleanses, and/or quieting my mind to listen to what my body needs. I also write love letters to my body for loving me and taking care of me on my journey.
  5. How am I checking in with my perspectives of truth (Days 42-46) to make sure they are working in my life? If a perspectives cause me pain, worry, anxiety, depression, fight or flight response, rage, and/or vengefulness, I question what I believe and come up with different ways I can think about the situation. I write letters to help me write new stories. Then I practice applying new perspectives of truth that bring me more peace.
  6. How am I showing myself love? I practice self-care regularly, do things I love to do, get enough sleep, practice positive self-talk, give myself quality time, write myself letters, and take care of my body, mind, and soul.
  7. How am I showing myself respect? I take care of my mind, body, and spiritual self. I have healthy boundaries with others. I honor the person I am. I do the best I can in each moment. I put the oxygen mask on myself first, then I assist others.I take time to breathe. I write myself letters.
  8. How am I investing in my quality time with myself? I go for walks in nature, watch sunsets, write from my heart, do yoga, read, and/or dance.
  9. How do I feed my mind? I read, research, solve puzzles, come up with creative solutions, talk to people who believe differently than I do, and/or try to understand something I didn’t before.
  10. How do I practice presence? I meditate, focus on spots in nature, actively listen to the people I’m with, enjoy what I’m doing, practice mindfulness, or live gratitude.
  11. How do I live gratitude? Write gratitude lists, practice seeing gratitude in day-to-day activities, use gratitude in challenging situations, look to nature with gratitude, look at the love in my life,nd/or meditate with a guided meditation focused on gratitude.
  12. How do I take care of myself in the presence of other’s darkness (fear, anger, rage, resentment, jealousy, envy)? I remind myself, I don’t have to engage in the energy that they are. I take space to strengthen my own energy. I pray for protection from their dark energy. I pray for them to find some light. I pray for guidance in how I communicate with the person if I have to. I take deep breaths to stay calm and peaceful. I laugh with friends. I write letters that I don’t send to properly process what is going on inside of me.
  13. How do I take care of myself in the presence of my own darkness (fear, anger, rage, resentment, jealousy, envy)? I pray, write in my gratitude journal, take deep breaths, practice mindfulness to quiet my mind, write letters of encouragement to myself,  walk, and/or DANCE.
  14. How do I take care of myself when I’m feeling depleted? I get rest, quiet my mind, do yoga, write something inspirational, write letters, sit outside, make time to play, and/or spend time laughing with friends.
  15. How do I take care of myself when I’m feeling a lack (loss, grief, disappointment)? Write down as many things I can be grateful for as possible! I question the perspectives of truth I’m engaging in and I write out as many positive perspectives I can look at instead. I write letters about how I’m abundant in my life. I focus on love instead of grief, opening doors instead of closing ones, and change instead of stagnation. I also pray and work to connect with Source energy.

With this list, I will take the items that can be used to handle multiple areas and work them into my daily self-care regimen. I will look at where I use some of the tools to take care other items on the list and be conscious of where my head is to see how I can best serve myself in the moment. I know I have the tools to live my best life.

Today I’m Grateful

  1. I’m grateful that I have the tools to live my best life.
  2. I’m grateful for my realization of how to better manage my self-care.
  3. I’m grateful for having the time to invest in my own care.
  4. I’m grateful for my ability to help others when I’m taking care of myself.
  5. I’m grateful for how I feel when I take care of myself.

 

With Love and Gratitude,

 

A Better Me

 

Rachael Wolff ©2019

Side note: This letter is not edited intentionally. This list isn’t about being grammatically correct; it’s about just writing out tools however they come out. You can add to sections, delete, and add some more. You want to see the overlap in what you can do on a daily basis to handle multiple items of self-care. Those are the ones you want to implement first.

Don’t forget to read today’s companion piece: 90-Day A Better Me Series: Day 73 – Constructing A Self-Care Regimen

90-Day A Better Me Series: Day 73 – Constructing A Self-Care Regimen

90-Day A Better Me Series

Part III: Living the Journey

Making the Now Count: Rebuilding our Lives

Day 73: Constructing A Self-Care Regimen

“When you recover or discover something that nourishes your soul and brings you joy, care enough about yourself to make room for it in your life.”

-Jean Shinoda Bolen

In this 90-Day A Better Day Series, I’ve given a lot of suggestions about self-care. We each have to choose what items of self-care resonate with us, because a self-care regimen, routine, or ritual will only work if we are connecting to the process of doing the activity. I don’t know about you, but I’ve tried a lot and I mean a lot of things in my life because people told me it would make me feel better. It could be about how to practice my faith, eating, drinking, dieting, exercising, meditating, mindfulness, positive affirmations, lifestyle, prayer, gratitude, mindset, weight loss, etc. No matter how good something has worked for my life or anyone else’s, you have to come up with your own regimen. No two regimens will ever look exactly the same and not any two people doing them will get the exact same results. As I’ve said before, I don’t expect everyone to do what I did and get the same exact results, because each of us has our own unique journey. Here are a few examples:

  • One person drinks lemon water everyday and it improves their digestive health. Another person may have an adverse reaction from the acid in the lemon and have digestive problems because of it.
  • One person may use nature therapy to help them reach levels of mindfulness and peace within themselves. Another person’s fears may create so much anxiety that triggers fight or flight response.
  • One person does a hard-core exercise routine and she/he feels alive and energized. Another person may not like the feelings that come after that level of exercise, so it doesn’t benefit her/his overall well-being, because that feeling could be their body giving them a signal that that is too much.

A self-care program won’t work if you aren’t invested in doing it or it doesn’t feel right for you. I’ve gone through many regimens and I change them up if I don’t feel the effectiveness of a particular one anymore. What is important is that I give time to self-care. I do my best to trust myself to help me to figure out what I need at any given time, while making sure that my intentions aren’t blocking the results I’m looking to achieve. Numbing ourselves with drugs, alcohol, shopping, gambling, games, social media, binge watching, etc. isn’t apart of self-care. They are contributors to self-destruction. I’m not talking about moderation. There is a difference, and it is a fine line—Self awareness is KEY!

15 Questions to Help You Construct Your Personal Self-Care Regimen

  1. How am I taking care of my connection to my spiritual life and beliefs?
  2. How am I taking care of quieting my mind?
  3. How am I taking care of accepting myself in the mirror?
  4. How am I taking care of my body and organs?
  5. How am I checking in with my perspectives of truth (Days 42-46) to make sure they are working in my life?
  6. How am I showing myself love?
  7. How am I showing myself respect?
  8. How am I investing in my quality time with myself?
  9. How do I feed my mind?
  10. How do I practice presence?
  11. How do I live gratitude?
  12. How do I take care of myself in the presence of other’s darkness (fear, anger, rage, resentment, jealousy, envy)?
  13. How do I take care of myself in the presence of my own darkness (fear, anger, rage, resentment, jealousy, envy)?
  14. How do I take care of myself when I’m feeling depleted?
  15. How do I take care of myself when I’m feeling a lack (loss, grief, disappointment)?

“Self-care is how you take your power back.”

-Lalah Delia

This list can give you ideas of what to implement into your daily routines. Don’t overwhelm yourself with trying to-do a list of things that are all new all at once. Take some things you are already doing and then try a couple new things at a time. If they work for 90 days and you want to add some more, do it. If what you were doing doesn’t seem to fit, try something else. Just don’t beat yourself up if things fall off. Trust that you are getting exactly what you need to get in this moment. When you are open to take on more, you will MAKE the space to fit more in your life. Just keep caring for yourself. Don’t forget how important you are.  Everything in life will run much smoother if we are committed to our self-care.

Today’s Letter from A Better Me in the 90-Day A Better Me Letters Series: Day 73 – Constructing My Self-Care Regimen will take you through my process of answering all the above questions. I highly suggest writing your own letter to yourself as a way of planting the seed to make sure it takes root.

With Love and Gratitude,

 

Rachael Wolff ©2019