90-Day A Better Me Series: Day 81 – Protecting Our Internal Homes from Vandals

90-Day A Better Me Series

Part III: Living the Journey

Making the Now Count: Rebuilding our Lives

Day 81: Protecting Our Internal Homes from Vandals

“Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.”

-Lao Tzu

Protecting our internal homes from vandals is an essential piece to us becoming the best versions of ourselves. We can’t protect our inner homes without the awareness of why we invited individuals into our homes in the first place. A person can’t come into our internal homes unless he/she is invited. Our thoughts about people give them entry into our homes. How we choose to view them in our homes determines if they will be pleasant guests, teachers, students, entertainers, and/or vandals. We also determine what these individuals leave behind. Did they give us seeds for our garden? Did they give us art for our walls? Did they give us helpful tools to help maintain our homes and gardens? Did they rip of flowers? Did they give us seeds for strangling weeds? Did they mark our homes with graffiti? We become prisoners of the vandals by allowing fear-filled feelings, thoughts, and perspectives of truth of who we interpret them to be, how we perceive their actions, and/or what we perceive that they think into our internal worlds.

They become vandals when we make ourselves their victim in our internal home. We allow them to destroy our homes and turn them into dilapidated shacks by allowing them to have power over our internal space and peace. We give them power by choosing perspectives of fear. The more power we give them, the more destruction we allow them to do. Now, this is not the person in the physical world causing this damage, it’s how we interpret them in our internal world. We can create kind people to be vandals, just as easily as we can turn a sociopath into a vandal. It’s all in how we choose to interpret their words and behavior inside our own heads that creates our internal view of them.

Even I have been a vandal in others internal homes, but remember I have nothing to do with that. If someone doesn’t like my perspective, they can create me to be a vandal. If someone takes something I said as mean or cruel, which could have been me having healthy boundaries, it doesn’t matter, a person can still make me a vandal in his/her head. We see how people do this all the time on social media when they attack other people. In order to attack someone else, the attacker first made the other person a vandal in their own internal world. This other person may be helping millions of people in the world, but if they have a perspective that is different from an unconscious person’s (attacker) perspective and that person decides to ignore the good and embrace the fear of the differences, the image the attacker created in his/her dilapidated shack makes the other good natured person a vandal.

We need to know and understand that no other person can be a vandal in our internal homes without our permission. Narcissists can be very good at charming their way into people’s internal homes, but they still have to be invited in. Not every person who crosses paths with narcissists invites them in. How we protect ourselves from vandals works the same way if we are dealing with narcissists and/or good Samaritans that we choose to view through eyes of fear, because protecting ourselves has NOTHING to do with what these people do in the physical world or who they are in the physical world. Protecting our internal homes has EVERYTHING to do with us taking responsibility for our own perspectives of truth.

Here’s the best part about this process, when we protect our internal homes from narcissists, they have less chance of affecting our lives in the physical world. Narcissists need to be invited into our internal homes to have the power they desire over us in the physical world. Once we stop inviting them in, they lose interest, because if they can’t affect our nature in the physical world, they get bored and go on the hunt for another victim. It may be awhile before they stop attempting to get in. Eventually if we stay consistent, and we FULLY close and lock our door to them, they stop trying. They may even stay in our physical lives in some way (i.e. family members), but we don’t allow them space to vandalize our internal homes. We can choose to them even without inviting them in. To love someone means we are spreading our light to her/him. A person can stay in their darkness without affecting our light.

When we learn how to protect our internal home from vandals, we also will start to see AMAZING shifts and changes in who is attracted into and/or repelled from our physical worlds. I love watching how this process unfolds. I’ve found it fascinating that the healthier I get, the people who are stuck in their darkness have less and less interest in me or they will make me a vandal to their dilapidated shacks. If they choose to make me a vandal, they will attempt to have an altercation with me, and if I don’t allow them into my internal home to vandalize it, I will not respond like they want me too, so they will distance themselves from me. I take this as an ABSOLUTE BLESSING! I trust a person who is stuck in their darkness is on their own journey. If I’m meant to give them a seed from my garden, I do. It’s up to them what they choose to do with it. They may have so many weeds destroying their internal gardens that even if they try to plant my seed it won’t have space to grow. They first have to clean up the weeds before they can see the beauty that lies under them. If deep down a person wants a path out of their own darkness, I imagine them walking just outside of my internal property waiting to know when they are ready.

If we protect our internal homes, it doesn’t matter what others do in their own darkness, we won’t let them destroy our internal homes and the gardens we’ve created around them. Once we realize we can shut our doors to the uninvited and say goodbye to those visitors we invited in who turned into vandals, we are truly empowered to be the BEST versions of ourselves. Our awareness and dedication to do the work to keep us in our light opens us up to lives beyond what we could have ever imagined. When we protect our internal homes, we allow our beacon of light to shine brighter. Our homes stay filled with the love and light that spreads out into the world.

 

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Over the next few days you will get the tools to keep your internal homes protected. Just like everything else in this 90-Day A Better Me Series, these are seeds. You have to decide if you want to plant them. You have to make sure your land is ready. If you struggle with making these seeds grow into strong beautiful additions to your garden, go back to Part I of the series and work it from the beginning. Whatever you do, remember you have the power to change the trajectory of your life by how you choose take care of your internal world. We project out what we create inside. That manifests the reality we live in and attracts back to us what we’ve projected out. We have to make sure we are projecting out the best inner life we can to create an outer life we love and appreciate.

 

With Love and Gratitude,

 

Rachael Wolff ©2019

Check-out today’s Letter from A Better Me: 90-Day A Better Me Letters Series: Day 81 – Protecting My Internal Home from Vandals

 

90-Day A Better Me Series: Day 80 – Living Gratitude in Our Relationships

90-Day A Better Me Series

Part III: Living the Journey

Making the Now Count: Rebuilding our Lives

Day 80: Living Gratitude in Our Relationships

“Service and gratitude will fuel your relationship; entitlement and expectation will poison it. “

-Steve Maraboli

Today we are expanding on what I covered in Part II on Day 49 “Gratitude in Our Relationships”. Living gratitude is the next step in the process. Our relationships are our biggest teachers for where we are in our darkness and our light. The longer we are in a relationship with someone, the more he/she gets to see us unmasked. That is why familial relationships and romantic relationships have the opportunity to see the most light (love/abundance) and dark (fear/lack) in us, just like we have a front row seat to see the most of their light and their darkness.

Any relationship we put our identity into the title of that relationship has a better chance of them and us lingering in darkness (Day 77). The best way to bring our relationships into the light is through gratitude. When we sit in gratitude, our focus is on love, abundance, and light. We are seeing the love within ourselves and within them. We are seeing the relationships right now in this moment instead of putting our focus on the past or some unknown future. If our focus is on gratitude, love, and abundance, we project gratitude, love and abundance onto the people we are with. When they feel that coming off of us, if they are healthy, loving individuals it will be reflected back to us.

Side Note: If the individuals are stuck in their darkness, I will be talking about that on Days 81-84, because we are going to have people in our lives who will try to dim our lights, so having tools is extremely important.

We have a choice in our relationships of where to put our focus. If we are constantly focused on everything these relationships don’t offer us, what the individuals aren’t doing, how they aren’t filling our expectations, how being her/himself isn’t enough and/or our own sense of entitlement—We are stuck in our own darkness and lack. We only see in lack if we are there ourselves. When our focus is on love, light, and abundance, we see from a loving place. We project our light. The blessing is when we start focusing on the light in others; their light has the opportunity to shine even brighter. Sometimes our darkness wasn’t dimming their light, it was just blinding us to it because we were stuck in our dark.

Living gratitude in our relationships is path to our authentic joy. Just think of the difference in how you feel when you are focused on the things you love as opposed to the things you hate. How do you feel in your body when you are celebrating the love within you? How do you feel in your body when your energy is in the darkness of hate? Each of those is projecting out of you like an invisible beacon and it is attracting back matching energy. Your light is attracting the light within the people around you. Your darkness is attracting the darkness within the people around you. This is not a judgment. In religious terms, we reap what we sow. We only receive what we already have inside and what we are spreading to others is what will we get back. In ancient religious terms it is the Law of karma, which is defined as a natural and universal law (karma is also used philosophically in many contexts outside of it’s religious roots). In energy terms, it’s the Law of Attraction. No matter what way we choose to look at it, we arrive at the same place. What we put out there is what we will get back.

If you are struggling with your perspectives on the people in your life, and you want to move your darkness out of the way to get a clear picture—Living gratitude in your relationships is the path you want! Living gratitude is the path to an abundant life filled with love and light. We get what we focus on. Our perspective is our super power. We get to choose how we want to use it. Do we want to fuel the light or the darkness? I have a feeling if you are reading this series, or even just this particular day, you were brought here because you are being led to fuel your light.

“Gratitude helps us love well by keeping us focused on the beauty in our relationship and the person we love.”

-M.J. Ryan

Here’s how to get started:

6 Simple Steps to Living Gratitude in Your Relationships

  1. Get out your gratitude journal. Each day, write three things you are grateful for about each individual you are closest to. If you have more in that day, write more. You don’t have to limit your gratitude. FEEL IT!
  2. Write a list of the personality traits you like/love about the people you’ve invited into your life and/or energy field. Be conscious on how focusing your energy here makes you feel.
  3. Write about what this person has taught you about yourself—No matter what you have learned, becoming more aware is a blessing and something to be EXTREMELY grateful for. Once we see ourselves, we have the ability to change, grow, and expand. We can’t do that if we don’t see what holds us back and what launches us forward. Our relationships show us what we need to know about ourselves, and it doesn’t matter if the lesson comes from darkness or light. We projected out the energy to attract the lesson to us. Every lesson we get gives us a chance to move into the light or darkness within ourselves. Being grateful moves us out of any darkness.
  4. Give hugs that last more than 20 seconds when you are sharing your gratitude with a loved one. This may feel odd at first, but it is EXTREMELY beneficial to both of your energy fields. There is this exhale that happens—Feels like a release. It can be very energizing and/or freeing. It’s a hard feeling to explain because it is different for everyone depending on where they are in their own energy.
  5. For every one thing that annoys you about a person, come up with three things that make you grateful about their behavior, choices, who they are, and/or how their actions or words to help you. You can make this fun too. If it makes you laugh, it’s cleansing that toxic energy out of you. Enjoy the process.
  6. Share your gratitude every chance you get! You are not entitled to anything. What a person gives to you is a gift to be grateful for. When you understand and appreciate that, you are living gratitude in your relationships. There is a saying that I love, Expectations are future resentments waiting to happen.

As I’ve said throughout this entire series, you are responsible for your feelings, thoughts, perspectives of truth, actions, reactions, and responses. You ARE NOT responsible for theirs. Your job is to keep your energy clean and full of light. If deep down inside they want to shine their light too—They will! If they want to be stuck in their own darkness—They will! You don’t need anybody to do anything in order for you to choose living in gratitude with him/her.

Living gratitude is a choice we make for ourselves to see clearly, like I said before if the person is stuck in their own darkness, I will give you tools to protect yourself while continuing to live in love, abundance, and light in the upcoming days.

We have to focus on cleaning up or own energy. Once we do that—MIRACLES HAPPEN! We only recognize them when our energy is in the right place to see them unfold in front of our eyes. I’ve watched relationships completely shift. I’ve seen people come in and others leave. I’ve seen the blessings of Divine timing. I’ve seen relationships on the verge of death be brought back to life. SO MANY BLESSINGS come from living gratitude in our relationships. The question is what do you want your energy to be on lack or abundance? Which one feels better? If you can answer those questions then all you have to do is make the choice to live in that energy! The energy you put in is the energy you will get back. Your relationships deserve the best you. It will help you see the best them. How beautiful is that? We have to want to live here and be willing to put in the work in order to see the blessings that come from living gratitude in our relationships. It really is our choice. Be empowered to do the work you need to do in order to change your life.

With Love and Gratitude,

 

Rachael Wolff ©2019

Continue reading “90-Day A Better Me Series: Day 80 – Living Gratitude in Our Relationships”

90-Day A Better Me Letters Series: Day 79 – Committing to Healthy Communication

Letters from A Better Me

90-Day A Better Me Letters Series

Part III: Living the Journey

Making the Now Count: Rebuilding our Lives

Day 79: Committing to Healthy Communication

Dear Self,

I’ve had plenty of experiences in my life engaging in toxic communication. I’ve seen and experienced the havoc that communicating in darkness creates. I no longer want to contribute to the toxic energy that creates more hate and separation. I want to communicate from a loving place. My intention is to understand the views of others so that I can see clearly where they are coming from. If I don’t understand, that means I haven’t asked enough questions to gain understanding. Whether I agree with their perspective or not, I want to make sure I’m seeing the person in front of me as clearly as I can. I want to see where their perspectives of love and fear are coming from. I want to share from a place of love, strength and hope.

I’m committed to speak and listen with compassion, empathy, and the intention of learning from the person I’m communicating with. My goal is to be aware of where I’m taking my feelings, thoughts, perspectives of truth, and actions on this journey of communicating with others in the healthiest way possible.

I will take responsibility and show gratitude for their place in my life and let them know how their words and actions affected me without blaming or making them responsible for what is going on inside of me. I’m responsible for my feelings and choices!

Living this way makes me feel empowered. I’m living life instead of life living me. I love learning about people from all different perspectives of truth. My heart is filled with more joy, peace, and compassion when I can see how many ways there are to experience love. No two people are exactly alike and I want to celebrate that by learning as much as I can about the people I’m interacting with.

Today I’m Grateful

  1. I grateful for the opportunity to communicate from a loving place.
  2. I’m grateful for getting to learn about others and how their perspectives of truth affect their lives.
  3. I’m grateful for all the different ways love can be expressed in different relationships, homes, lifestyles, cultures, religions, and countries.
  4. I’m grateful to my loved ones for helping me grow in my understanding.
  5. I’m grateful for the strangers who come into my life and share a piece of their life with me.

 

With Love and Gratitude,

 

A Better Me

Rachael Wolff ©2019

Today’s  Installment: 90-Day A Better Me Series: Day 79 – Healthy Communication Tools

This include 10 Healthy Communications Tools to help ensure the best communication possible.

 

90-Day A Better Me Series: Day 79 – Healthy Communication Tools

90-Day A Better Me Series

Part III: Living the Journey

Making the Now Count: Rebuilding our Lives

Day 79: Healthy Communication Tools

Before I ask you to sit with me,

I must be able to sit with myself.

Before I ask you to accept my pain,

I have to accept the pain myself.

Before I ask you to love me,

I have to be MADLY in love with myself.

-C.Thoth

In order to keep our internal homes clean for visitors (Day 74), healthy communication is key. We learn so much about ourselves by how we communicate with others. Our communication skills show us if we are in-line with our intentions of love and light, or if we are connected to our own darkness. If we are coming from a place of darkness (fear, blame, shame, hate, vengeance, ignorance, prejudice, AGAINST, name-calling, yelling, etc.), we are incapable of having healthy communication with others. We will bring toxic energy into the communication. Our intentions will be aligned with fear (darkness) instead of love (light). Having healthy communication with others is about us staying in our light and sharing it with others. We have the choice to bring light or submit to darkness.

When the person we are communicating with brings their light, and we bring our light, even in the disagreements there will be light. Both parties can connect even with differing perspectives of truth. The connection is through love, peace, and joy. When we stand for love and light, we are attracted to people who also stand for the spreading of love and light. Communication becomes so much more interesting when people start enjoying learning about different perspectives of truth, instead of condemning them. We can do this in our intimate relationships as much as we do it with individuals from across the world who are strangers to us. Our openness to gain understanding of where others are coming from spreads light in our homes and in the world around us.

“To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others.”

-Tony Robbins

10 Healthy Communication Tools

  1. Be aware of where your energy is. Are you communicating from a loving place or a fear-filled one? It can’t be both. If your thoughts are confused, slow down and sit in your awareness before you speak.
  2. Speak from a loving place. If you want the best communication, make sure you are speaking in terms of solutions (love/light), not problems (fear/darkness). With fear we get stuck in our own darkness and others are more likely to engage in theirs if that is where we are.
  3. Know your intentions. Be clear of what your intentions are with the person your communicating with. If you’re not clear, they won’t receive you clearly.
  4. Express your feelings. Speak in terms of I feel ____________ when you did _______________ or do ________________. This communicates your feelings without BLAMING and or making someone responsible for your feelings positive and/or negative. Another person isn’t responsible for making you feel anything, but that doesn’t mean that it’s not healthy to let them know that particular actions and/or words bring up specific feelings in you. Unless the person is unhealthy and sick, most likely they didn’t intentionally mean to cause you pain. Only when we are in our own darkness do we intentionally cause other people pain and suffering (we will be discussing that in the days to come).
  5. Listen from a loving place. When we listen from a loving place, we are adding our light to the exchange. This doesn’t mean the other person won’t stay in their darkness if that is where they are, but we don’t add to it. When we add to the darkness, we put ourselves into the darkness. Our light is dimmed and we no longer see clearly.
  6. Speak in perspectives of truth. Each individual has his or her own perspectives of truth (Days 42-46). When we can communicate clearly from this place, we don’t have the expectations of others being exactly where we are and to understanding our point of view. We don’t communicate in terms of I’m right and you’re wrong. Instead, we say this is where I’m coming from
  7. Listen in terms of perspectives of truth. The goal is to understand where the other person is coming from. Remember they are writing their own story. Listen for what their story about themselves is saying. Is what they are saying coming from perspectives of love or fear? How are those perspectives making them feel? How are their perspectives effecting communication with you?
  8. Take a break when needed. If communications gets challenging, take a minute to re-center yourself if needed. Go to the bathroom and take some deep breaths, align with your light and intentions, and pray for the words to help you communicate clearly.
  9. Agree to disagree when needed. Remember you are each speaking and listening from your own perspectives of truth. You can simply let the other person know if their perspectives are bringing peace to his or her life, you are happy for him/her. If you are aligned with your own energy and intentions, your perspectives are bringing you a sense of calm no matter where the other person is.
  10. End communications on a note of gratitude. It doesn’t matter how the communication went—You learned something! You may have learned beautiful things about a person where light connected to light, even if some of the perspectives were different. You may have learned where you still have work to do on your own dark corners, which awareness is a thing to definitely be grateful for. You may have learned about perspectives of truth led by fear that you can be grateful that you don’t believe because you see the negative effects they have on a person’s thinking. There is ALWAYS a place for gratitude.

Remember to enjoy the journey! We aren’t going to do this perfectly. We are all learning to be the best we can. We can only do this journey one step at a time.

 

With Love and Gratitude,

 

Rachael Wolff  ©2019

Need more inspiration? Read 90-Day A Better Me Letters Series: Day 79 – Committing to Healthy Communication

90-Day A Better Me Letters Series: Day 75 -Being Present With the People I Invite Into My Life

Letters from A Better Me

90-Day A Better Me Letters Series

Part III: Living the Journey

Making the Now Count: Rebuilding our Lives

Day 75: Being Present With the People I Invite Into My Life

Dear Self,

I’ve realized the importance of being present with the people I invite into my life for a variety of reasons. I’ve learned the hard way that people definitely show me who they are and what happens when I don’t want to believe them. I get hurt. Not because they intentionally set out to hurt me, but because hurt is what he/she has inside. They project out what they have inside and a hurt persons actions lead to shaming, blaming, judging, and victimizing. The signs were there early on, but I chose not to see them because I was stuck in my own darkness.

As I learn to take better and better care of myself, I realize that being present with the people I invite into my life is much easier. I not only pay attention to what people are showing me, but I pay attention to what I’m showing them by the choices I’m making. Being present has helped me to slow down to make better choices to project healthy boundaries. I’m showing them how to treat me if they want to be in my life.

Staying present with the people I choose to be in my life has made life much more joy-filled. I find I don’t have expectations of others to be who and what they aren’t. I get to enjoy the moment I’m in for what it is right now. I’m not worried about what it’s going to mean for some future I have no clue about.

If I’m not enjoying myself with the people I’ve invited in, I’ve noticed there isn’t a pull to keep engaging with them. I don’t try to force time with them or make things work that just aren’t meant to be anything more than a lesson of growth. I can say goodbye in peace because I know it’s best for me.

I only know how to do this because I’m treating myself with the love and respect that I deserve. I know my time is valuable, so who I choose to spend it on means something. I want to embrace the connections I have with others in the best way possible. The more honest I am with myself, the more present I allow myself to be in my connections.

I love what being present does for my life. I can learn the lessons I’m meant to learn from the people I invite in, then if the lesson is done—I can let them go. If I’m meant to learn, grow, and expand with the people in my life—They stay. The more present I get, the more aware I become. This is a beautiful journey and I feel truly blessed to share it with the people I’ve invited into my physical and internal worlds.

Today I’m Grateful

  1. I’m grateful for the lessons I get when I stay present with the people in my life.
  2. I’m grateful for learning how to be a better friend by staying present.
  3. I’m grateful for the many blessings that come from staying present in my relationships.
  4. I’m grateful for the way I feel when I’m honest with myself and others.
  5. I’m grateful for each connection I’m blessed enough to get with loved ones.

 

With Love and Gratitude,

 

A Better Me

 

Rachael Wolff ©2019

Don’t forget to read today’s companion piece: 90-Day A Better Me Series: Day 75 – Being Present with the People We Invite Into Our Lives

90-Day A Better Me Series: Day 75 – Being Present with the People We Invite Into Our Lives

90-Day A Better Me Series

Part III: Living the Journey

Making the Now Count: Rebuilding our Lives

Day 75: Being Present with the People We Invite Into Our Lives

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. People know themselves much better than you do. That’s why it’s important to stop expecting them to be something other than who they are.”

–Maya Angelou

We blind ourselves to see the people we are with when our focus in on the past and/or the future. We don’t see the person they are showing us. So much information is given in the moment. It’s the actions right now, not the promises of any unforeseen future that matter. If we allow people into our physical and internal lives, the best thing we can do for ourselves and the relationship is to be conscious in each moment we are with them. Sometimes we find that person doesn’t fit into the internal life we are working on living. They may have just meant to come in to show us a lesson, then leave. A person won’t leave our internal home until we shut the door. They will linger around stirring up lessons because we didn’t learn them when they were physically in our lives. Have you ever hung onto an unhealthy relationship for a lot longer than the relationship was actually about of your life? This relationship could be with a family member, friend, romantic partner, community member, boss and/or coworker.

“You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop, and what you reinforce.”

-Tony Gaskins

When we are present with the people in our lives, we can consciously make choices that show that person how to treat us. We don’t lie down in front of them for them to wipe their feet on us, because we know we are not doormats. We have to be present with others and with ourselves to see how we are allowing others to treat us. If we love and respect ourselves, remain present, and stay mentally conscious, we will be able to respond in a way that is healthy for us.

“You silently teach others how to treat you by how you treat yourself. Move yourself up your priority list immediately.”

– Lisa Marie Rosat

The reason I have Part I, II, and III of the 90-Day A Better Me Seriesis that it take us being and doing better before we can be treated better by others and treat others better. Only then can we be conscious with each person in each moment we are interacting. This is not a process that happens over night.  We will get the exact experiences we need to help us learn, grow, and expand our consciousness. Each person who comes into our physical lives serves a purpose. Each person we invite into our internal homes gives us our greatest lessons and blessings. We bring our light and darkness to the forefront through our exchanges. If we become aware and present— We learn, grow and expand our abundant lives!

10 Ways to be Present with the People We Invite into Our Lives

  1. Stop attaching to promises of the future.
  2. Actively listen to what the person is doing and saying—Are the two even matching up? Remember, they are showing you who they are.
  3. Let the past go and see the person who is standing in front of you. People can and do change, but only as much as they want to. The same goes for you!
  4. Show yourself love, so that you are treating yourself the way you want to be treated by someone else. When the energies match up—You will be consciously showing them how to treat you in each moment.
  5. DON’T EVER neglect your self-care! If you do, it will be hard for you to be present enough to see the person in front of you.
  6. Don’t expect others to do what you are not doing for yourself. You are the example they will follow in any given moment.
  7. Don’t expect others to be more than they who they are. If you are unhappy with the person in front of you—Change your perspectives, feelings, thoughts, and actions even if that action is to walk out the door and shut it. You aren’t responsible for someone else changing; you are only responsible for yourself.
  8. Be conscious if you are shining your light (love) or your darkness (fear) into your interactions with others. This means you are conscious of where your energy is while your listening and speaking and that your actions in that moment are reflecting the energy you want to be contributing to the situation. This keeps you PRESENT!
  9. Ask yourself—What is the person I’m allowing into my life teaching me in this moment? What am I learning from how I’m feeling, thinking, believing, and acting? Is there anything I can change in this moment?
  10. Be honest about who you are! If you can’t be honest, that is not a healthy relationship to have in your life and it will only contribute to growing your own darkness. When we are present, we see who belongs and who doesn’t belong in our lives. You have to love yourself enough to embrace the person you are. The people who genuinely love you will stay. The ones who don’t will leave. You can save a lot of time and trouble by being honest in your interactions.

Enjoy the journey of presence!

 

With Love and Gratitude,

 

Rachael Wolff ©2019

Don’t forget to read today’s companion piece: 90-Day A Better Me Letters Series: Day 75 -Being Present With the People I Invite Into My Life

90-Day A Better Me Series: Day 53 – Healthy Boundaries

90-Day A Better Me Series

Part II: A Journey of Perspective

What Launches Us Forward: The Stable Foundation

Day 53: Healthy Boundaries

“Respect yourself and others will respect you.”

-Confucius

As we grow in our self-worth, our healthy boundaries start naturally establishing themselves. We no longer try to force and demand other people to respect us. We no longer feel bad when we are not getting treated the way we feel like we deserve. We learn, the more we treat ourselves with respect, the people around us will feel the light of our self-respect, not the darkness from the fear of not being respected. We have to have the respect for ourselves to show people how to treat us.

If we want other people to see our time and love is valuable to them, the time and love we invest in ourselves shows them that. I didn’t have self-worth, self-respect, or self-love when I was growing up, and my feelings, thoughts, beliefs, actions, and reactions to what other people did reflected that. To the point where I did try to kill myself because I felt like I had absolutely no value. I couldn’t establish healthy boundaries with others because I put my value in their feelings, thoughts, beliefs, actions, and reactions. We can’t establish healthy boundaries from our fears. When we attempt to, we are actually attracting more of the people that will not respect those boundaries because our focus is on what we don’t want.

The real focus of fear-based boundaries is the fear of not being respected, not being loved, and not being appreciated. That leads us to feeling disappointed over and over again. Our perspective of truth is trapped in our own darkness. A person could be showing us their version of love, respect, and appreciation but if our focus is on our fear-based perspectives of truth (Days 43-46), we won’t see it because if their version looks different than ours, our fear-based perspectives of their words, beliefs, actions, and reactions tells us they are in the wrong.

“Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.”

-Lao Tzu

When we are shining our light from our self-love, self-respect, and self-worth, we project that out to the people around us. They will either shine their light back, walk away from our light, or attempt to dim our light to test how strong our light is. Our healthy boundaries are an energetic force field around us.

I think of it as the little prayer I learned, bless it or block it. If I have something to learn from a person, he/she will come into my life. If there is nothing to learn from their experience it won’t be presented to me. Now, this includes videos, news stories, music, books, seminars, media coverage, social media posts, celebrities, etc. I have the opportunity to learn from whatever my journey has brought me to see.

  • Have you ever heard the perfect song for what you are going through on the radio?
  • Have you ever heard that song that brought all your tears about a situation to the surface?
  • Have you ever been suggested to read a book or watch a video multiple times by people who weren’t connected to each other?
  • Have you ever turned on the TV and catch a show that you find a message in? Have you ever had a book fall off a shelf in front of you?

I can go on with the lists of questions, but I think you get the point.

If we need to work on our light force field, we will be presented with lessons that can help us build and strengthen it, but we won’t learn those lessons if we are stuck in the topics we talked about in Part I (Days 2-30) of the 90-Day A Better Me Series. That is why it is so important to start this journey by becoming aware of what is blocking us from creating these light force fields around ourselves. We have to establish trust on this journey of learning. We have to be able to spot our own darkness (fear) and shine the light (love) on it.

I’m respected by the people I choose to have in my life, because I respect myself. I don’t expect others to give me what I’m not giving myself. When I have an expectation of others, I can look at it and see how I’m not showing myself  my own respect, love, and/or worth in the situation. I can’t correct the problem, until I change my perspective on how I’m looking at it. If I’m blaming them, my darkness is leading me. That dark force field will project an energy out that I REALLY don’t want to be coming back to me. I sometimes will have to bust my ass doing the work to get out of that space. The difference for me is now I don’t resist those lessons. I don’t tell myself that whatever happened shouldn’t have happened. It did happen, that’s reality. There is a blessing in whatever comes my way. When I see the blessing, I contribute to my light energy force field (Healthy boundaries).

The best part is that our healthy light force field isn’t just about protecting us from the feelings and actions of others. It helps protect us from making unhealthy choices against ourselves in our feelings, thoughts, actions, and reactions. With food, it may mean we won’t pick up an item to fill an emotional void. With health, we may get little energy nudges to do, eat, take, or drink specific things to assist with healing something within us. It can steer us away from things that aren’t healthy for us—people, places, and/or things included. The more light we learn to shine, the clearer we see our healthy boundaries. We start thanking our Creator for being late because it helped us to miss an accident. We start feeling gratitude for Divine timing. We start seeing the blessings in our lives on a whole new level.

Just for Today

Answer these questions:

  • Are you trying to establish personal boundaries from love or fear?
  • How are people responding to these energetic force fields you are creating?
  • How can you improve your self-worth, self-respect, and self-love to create a stronger light energy force field?
  • If you already have a light energy force field that you feel, what blessing is it bringing to your life?

This REALLY is a MIRACLE-filled journey once we open the doors and commit to learning how to shine our own lights brighter. We truly learn the meaning of living an AWE-filled life. What we see becomes so much more beautiful. Enjoy the journey!

Thank you for reading!

 

With Love and Gratitude,

 

Rachael Wolff ©2019

Did you read today’s companion piece? 90-Day A Better Me Letters Series: Day 53 – My Healthy Boundaries

 

 

 

 

 

90-Day A Better Me Series: Day 20 – Judgment in Our Intimate Relationships

90-Day A Better Me Series

Part I: A Journey of Awareness

What Holds Us Back: The Unstable Foundation

 

Day 20: Judgment in Our Intimate Relationships

“If you judge people, you have no time to love them.”

-Mother Teresa

As I wrote about earlier in the 90-DAY A BETTER ME SERIES in the section about fear, there is often confusion around what is considered love. Some of us are taught that to love is to fear. Others are taught fearful actions are projections of love. We make it okay to name-call, belittle, condemn, degrade, intimidate, manipulate, and violate (all fear-based living). Some of us will live in internal hells while we are in relationships because we are so caught up in our toxic stories in our heads that lead to jealousy, rage, betrayal, distance, separation, depression, anxiety, and isolation.

Sometimes we come into relationships with our ideas of a happily ever after story playing in our heads. We have this ideal image of what happily ever after looks like and we judge everything in the relationship against that criteria. We don’t even SEE the person standing in front of us. We are in a fantasy world that isn’t our reality in that moment. In the moment we could be ignoring red flags flying or  ignoring a great person who is looking to get to know us better. All those judgments about  how love should be could actually be stealing the focus from where our attention needs to be—Making sure we are loving and honoring ourselves, so that we can give and receive love from our partners. This is how we keep ourselves out of the toxic muck that judgment creates in relationships.

In intimate relationships we are building trust with our partners. If a partner is being judgmental, that creates holes in the trust. We want to feel safe with our partners and judgment is not safe. In order to not let judgment get in the way of love, both partners have to come to the table with love for each other and themselves, self-respect, respect for each other, awareness, presence, and curiosity. We aren’t all going to think the same way. We aren’t all going to do things the same way. Some of us like the toilet paper to come off the top and others like it to come off the bottom. Some of us like our glass to be bottoms up and the shelf, and others like them to be bottoms down. There is no right vs. wrong. IT’S JUST PREFERENCES! In a healthy relationship we can discuss preferences without things getting ugly with judgment.

When we get stuck on little ideas of right vs. wrong, the big ones can really get us. We have to remain in a calm place and communicate with curiosity about each other instead of judgment. When we don’t agree there is an opportunity to learn. How much do you really care about your partner? If it’s A LOT, then being willing to open the door to try to understand where he/she is coming from. How did they get to the beliefs they have about relationships, life, religion, positions of power, family, strangers, etc.? What we don’t see eye to eye on is an opportunity, not an obstacle. Once we know where their and our perceptions of truth come from, if we communicate from a loving place instead of a fearful one, the relationship will grow. We get to understand our own belief systems by communicating this way. We also get to decide if old beliefs are still working for us towards the version of ourselves. If they’re not, we can choose to let them go.

In a healthy partnership, we support each other’s growth. A healthy partner doesn’t try to keep the other partner down with their judgments. Curiosity fuels relationships and judgment creates toxicity.

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If one partner takes the journey down fear’s road, and the other follows, the toxic energy just brews and festers. I used to think of it as when I went down, he went with me and when he went down, I felt like he was dragging me down to be where he was. It wasn’t a healthy way to look at it. It was only when I had enough self-love and self-respect that I could have solid boundaries to the point I could actively choose not to go down with him.

“Real magic in relationships means an absence of judgment of others.”

-Wayne Dyer

Now, in the relationship I’m currently in, we know when each other need a little space to figure out what is going on in our heads and we take it. We do our best not to communicate if we are heated and triggered because we might mistakenly judge each other instead of figuring out what inside us is being triggered. What we find is it is usually not what is happening in the moment. It is something from the past that has crept in to our perception of truth. It could be a trigger from an old relationship or judgments we felt from childhood. Either way, we choose to process first before we communicate. This has kept our relationship a very loving one. This doesn’t mean we don’t have our stressful moments, but we actively work to communicate in a way where each of us are heard and understood, even if we don’t agree with each other. We use laughter as our favorite tool when we know the other person isn’t reacting to what is happening in the moment. For us, it reminds us that we aren’t making the judgment that the other one thinks we’re making.

When we do our best to seek understanding instead of insisting on our own way, we reveal who the person is in front of us. Then we get to decide if this is a person who we want with us on our journey based on who they are not who we want them to be, or who they feel they need to pretend to be to get us to want them. If we feel safe in our relationships, communication isn’t either party feeling like they have to walk on egg shells. That is a sign that something is wrong. It could be our self-judgments, projected judgments, or their projected judgments or self-judgments. It could be that there isn’t a mutual respect. Whatever it is that is keeping the relationship in a toxic cycle, it is important for us to see our part in the chaos. If we are staying, when in our hearts we know its not healthy for us to stay: what are our self-judgments that keep us there? If we know the person we are with is a good person, but we feel disconnected: What are the inner judgments going on that are making the relationship feel off?

In order to be healthy we have to stop trying to change someone else’s behavior and start looking to the one person we can change. OURSELVES! We need to be responsible for our own feelings, thoughts, actions, and reactions. We can’t hold another person responsible for our health and happiness. If we are pointing the finger in blame, we are hiding from the truth (A reminder from Day 17)!

Just for Today

If you are currently in a relationship, think about how your judgments in the relationship have affected the relationship. Don’t focus on what the other person is doing or not doing. Just focus on your own judgments.

If you aren’t in a relationship, think about a past relationship with the same focuses. If you’ve been keeping up with the series, you might remember my story about how I avoided looking at my own stuff and it kept me in the toxic muck. I went out and repeated toxic and unhealthy patterns with my next partner. The experience blew my life wide open and it is what set me on the path to develop the 35-DAY A BETTER ME BOOT CAMP. I did the work to get me out of my own way, and it all started from seeing how I really felt about myself and what I was projecting into my relationships. I saw first hand how my pretending to be healthy couldn’t fool the Law of Attraction. Your life and relationships will change for the better by doing the work. If we focus on the one person we can change, instead of trying to make others conform to us, we win in the biggest way possible, because we get to live and love authentically! It’s the best feeling EVER! Keep with the series and if you’re not there already, you will have plenty of opportunity to get there.

With Love and Gratitude,

Rachael Wolff ©2019

Part of the work is writing your own letters of inspiration. Read 90-Day A Better Me Letters Series: Day 20 – Judgment in My Intimate Relationships to see today’s letter of inspiration.

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