If you haven’t listened or read last week’s episode, please do that first. We can only respond instead of react if we are listening to ourselves first (click HERE to be taken to Ep. 17).

When we’re reacting to what others are saying, we are making our actions about them. We justify in our heads that we are reacting the way we are because of what they said to us. If they wouldn’t have said something to offend us, we wouldn’t have acted as we did. If they didn’t say something that made us feel safe and secure, we wouldn’t have made the choices we made. Do you see the problem here?

We Are Accountable and Responsible for What We Put Out There

When we make our reactions about them, we forget that we are accountable and responsible for our own words, stories, and actions even when we are pissed off or happy. We still make the choice to sink or rise up to someone else’s level. We will consciously or unconsciously choose to embrace the energy of love, abundance, and peace vs. fear, lack, and separation and vice versa. No matter what someone else says to us, we are still accountable and responsible for how we react or respond to them.

Part of being accountable and responsible is taking perfection off the table. None of us are ever going to do this perfectly, at least I’ve NEVER met someone who hasn’t made some choices that created learning experiences.

If someone says, “I’m not perfect ” when they make a mistake, that’s about them judging themselves for not being perfect. You are only responsible for communicating your part in the healthiest way possible. If you have an expectation of them to be perfect or to live up to a story in your head, that’s on you.

When we harshly judge ourselves, we will in-turn harshly judge others. The more we can shift from judgment to simply being accountable and responsible for what’s ours, the greater the chance we have of healthy communications and relationships.

How Do We Know if We are Reacting?

First of all, reactions aren’t thought out. Our words come out quick, like there is no real processing before we speak. When we react, we our basing what we are doing on previous feelings, stories, and actions. If we are having a strong reaction to someone or something, it’s because that feeling has been stirred up inside us before. Often times it comes from a time we didn’t feel like we had a voice, childhood for example.

This is why if we are reacting, it can sometimes feel like we’ve lost control or not understand why we reacted that strongly. We may even come across to others like we did at the age we first were affected.

Have you ever felt like a person sounds like a pre-teen or teenager when they’re reacting to something you said or did? We do this when we are reacting to each other. Have you ever felt like watching politicians is like being back in high school? The yelling, blaming, shaming, and complete refusal to consider that each side is contributing to the lack of healthy communication.

If two people are fighting, they’re both reacting to each other. If one person wants to fight, and the other person consciously stays in the energy of love, abundance, and peace, no argument can take place. The person wanting to fight, might leave in the same energy of fear, lack, and separation that they came in with, but the other person won’t lose their energy of love, abundance, and peace.

If we follow the feelings and the sensations in our body, we will often find unprocessed past trauma or simply unresolved feelings. When we are reacting, we tighten up somewhere in our bodies. It might be our mouths, necks, hands, arms, legs, feet, stomachs, the list goes on.

We might notice a story is playing in our heads instead of just simply recognizing feelings that are coming up. Please be aware, this can be feelings we like, and ones we don’t. When we put our happily ever stories on someone else, believe me, it can lead to create it’s own amount of drama and unrealistic expectations.

When we become self-aware, we discover that we are reacting to an expectation that we had of our loved ones based on the happily ever after story playing in our own heads. We were reacting to what they did or didn’t say or do based on that story, not on who the people actually are.

We see this in relationships with romantic partners, parents, children, siblings, and even friends. If we create an idea of the way we believe people should act and behave, we are going to react to that story when people don’t live up to our expectations.

How Do We Respond Instead of React?

• PAUSE! When we respond, we pause first.
• Take a couple of breaths if you notice feelings are coming up based on what someone else is communicating. Try to name the feelings in your own head without creating a story around the feeling.
• Take ownership for any feelings you are having. Once you make someone else accountable and responsible for your feelings and actions, you’ve handed over your power.
• If there is a possibility of a misunderstanding, ask for clarification.
• If you feel too heated, walk away from the conversation until you are in the energy that will be productive. Fear, lack, and separation is NEVER productive. I’ve given myself time outs. I’ve simply stated, “Let’s continue this conversation once I’ve processed my part.” This doesn’t fuel them by putting our need for time to process on them.
• Understand, no words are better than ones that can’t be taken back when we come to our senses. If we call someone a name or say something intentionally hurtful, that’s on us, not on them. That’s us embracing the energy of fear, lack, and separation.
• Keep focusing on your breath and ask yourself: What energy am I in right now? How do I respond to this person from the energy of love, abundance, and peace? What does that look like in this moment?
• Pray! I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I’ve prayed for a healthy response to a situation I’m in. I find when I pray, my mind focuses pretty quickly on responding from a loving place.
• Pick some inspiring quotes from people who are known for responding from a loving place even when faced with the energy of fear, lack, and separation.

Listening with love and responding from a loving place go hand in hand. When we commit in are hearts to doing one, the other one will naturally want to follow.

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