Last week, I told you we would be digging more into why blaming is toxic to our systems and how it affects our ability to listen with love. The truth is we are actually doing a disservice to the people we are trying to help when we contribute to their toxic pattern of blame. Blaming disempowers ourselves and others.

We become victim of anyone or anything that we blame for our feelings and actions, and the truth is that our feelings and actions are ours. Despite what anyone else chooses to do. When we take ownership over how we feel and act, we can make choices to do something about what isn’t serving us. As long as we are blaming, we are LETTING whoever or whatever we blame have control over our lives. I don’t know about you, but I don’t even like the thought of that. I feel the urge to just shake it right off of me.

People or things don’t have to change for us to live better—only we do. Yet, that doesn’t mean that people won’t change. We just take our focus off of the things we cannot change. With that, we take our power back. Blaming ourselves is a form of self-abuse. We are feeding ourselves poison. Blaming others is poison we pump into the air for everyone around us to breathe in. We exchange poisonous seeds anytime we engage in blaming with others.

Blaming is at the center of the energy of fear, lack, and separation. If you are questioning the energy you are in, if you feel yourself blaming yourself or others…you know where you are. If we are in this energy, we are incapable of listening with love, because we are listening with fear. All the seeds that come from this exchange will be unhealthy for our gardens of our souls. Only when we take our power back do we exchange healthy plant-life.

Blaming keeps people from taking action to do something to better the situation. If it is someone else’s fault, well then we can stay the same. One of the things I’ve witnessed as a parent is parents blaming other kids for their child’s poor choices. This isn’t serving our children when we do this. What’s sad is the people’s children are often screaming out for attention, and when the parent gives attention in the way of blaming other people’s kids, it sends the wrong message. We just showed them not be accountable and responsible for their actions…entitlement 101.

Just like last week’s episode, there are physical, emotional, and mental consequences for keeping these patterns going, and they taint our ability to listen to both ourselves and others with love. When we hear ourselves or others endlessly blaming, it’s helpful if we can steer the conversation and/or story back to the only people involved that are a part of the conversation. We want to question stories that aren’t serving us. That’s how we empower ourselves and help others to empower themselves.

Listening with love is very helpful in seeing where a person is giving their power away through blaming. If you’ve observed therapists, you might have noticed that they will often bring their clients back by asking them, how does it feel when… or they will ask other questions to re-direct the conversation. We can’t help people if they are focused on what everyone else is doing. When we can re-direct blaming through questions, like “What is something you can do reduce the affect this situation is having on you?” This can help them get into a solution mind-frame instead of swirling around in what they can’t change. It also can help us by making sure we don’t get sucked into the blaming energy.

If we join them, then we are carrying the energy too, and we are responsible for that. I know I can get protective over friends and family, so I sometimes will go down into that energy with them. It doesn’t feel good. I can get caught up in the stories and feel justified in my choice to go there with them, but really I’m not fooling anyone, most of all myself. I know I’m accountable and responsible for the energy I’m adding to any situation. I do feel sad when I realized I contributed towards disempowering someone by engaging in the blaming with them, because I know it doesn’t serve them.

Here’s another example of how blaming disempowers us. Narcissists LOVE blamers. That is one of the ways they get people to be a part of their abuse and also attract their victims. I don’t know if you missed a piece I wrote a few years ago called, “Social Media: A Narcissist’s Playground.” I talk a little bit about how narcissists use other people to perpetuate abuse. We see this a lot on social media.

When people blame other people and things, they are often ready to attack in the name of justice. They justify their blaming because they feel like they are on the right side of the issue, but they often will attack innocent bystanders. This happens because the person blaming is ready for a fight. Even if it’s not about the topic they are focused on, they are carrying that energy around with them, and it WILL come out sideways on the people around them.

We can also get caught up in blaming our emotional disorders, past traumas, or upbringing for being stuck in a certain place. I KNOW I’ve done this one. When we do this, we become victims of our circumstances and it can create obstacles in breaking toxic patterns and adopting healthier ones. Remember, we can’t listen with love if we are blaming and shaming. So, when it comes to us, we actually block ourselves from seeing things clearly and trusting our gut. Our gut is our intuition, and if we are submerged in the energy of fear, lack, and separation, we are not operating with a clear channel.

In order to listen with love more, I’m working on watching out for blame and the energy that comes with it. Writing these episodes helps to remind me of what I need to work on to be a better listener. Thanks again for being with me for another episode!

With Love and Gratitude,

Rachael Wolff