Letters from A Better Me
90-Day A Better Me Letters Series
Part I: A Journey of Awareness
What Holds Us Back: The Unstable Foundation
Day 4: To the Fear Keeping Me from Experiencing Love
To the Fear Keeping Me from Experiencing Love,
I know you’re there. I can feel you when I’m beating myself up for my mistakes. I can hear you whisper in my ear when I question how a person can love me. I feel you when I take any risks with my heart. Then you torture me with the endless stream of ridicule and mockery of any decision I make or thought I have. I am so scared of being rejected that I reject seeing the love in myself and others. I’m so scared of being hurt that I numb myself, which then hurts the people around me.
I know that I’ve seen and experienced things that I wouldn’t wish on anyone, and that I definitely don’t want to repeat. Yet it’s this fear of my past that keeps me repeating the same patterns with different people. My fear is what makes me relive the pain over and over like it is happening again and again. I finally see that I’m the one keeping me from experiencing love because of my fear of not being good enough.
I fear that bad things happen because I’m unworthy of the good. I now know that this is just a perception from the fears I’ve let fester inside of me. These beliefs are not real. They are not facts. By facing each fear head on I can let them go as I find a new way to look at my past. My job is to be here now. I have no business in the unknown future. I can choose to perceive my now in a different way. I can choose to perceive my relationships through love.
I know this will take a lot of work because you have had control of my life and relationships for as long as I can remember. You have been the guiding force. Facing you will take away your power over me. I can stop focusing on the fear I have of others and how their actions have the potential of hurting me. I can start focusing my attention on what I need to do to stop hurting myself. I will start showing myself the love that I so want to see.
Once I see the love in me, I will be able to recognize it when someone else shows me love. I will know it when I’m expressing love or if I’m in fear. I needed to feel you in order to know what love wasn’t. Love isn’t all the things you’ve been whispering to me. It’s not control, ultimatums, jealousy, rage, name-calling, yelling, condemning, being right, telling people how to live, and anything else that has to do with not accepting someone for who they are. That is all you! Love is uplifting and freeing and encourages others to be the best versions of themselves on their terms not mine. Love is being open to perceptions instead of forcing beliefs. Love is giving, strong, freeing, and enlightening. I can’t have that if you are there to keep me closed-minded in all my fear-based thinking. You have served your purpose. I’m ready to release you in order to live. I’m embracing you with the love within me. Thank you for being my teacher. Thank you for showing me how I want and don’t want to experience my relationships with others. Thank you for making me aware of how my past hurts have affected my life.
With Love and Gratitude,
A Better Me
Rachael Wolff ©2019