#PerspectiveChallenge: Love Hurts


I hear this one a lot, and at one point in my life, I would fully agree. First, I want you to think about what your definition of love is where you can say that love is what hurts you. I’m going to get personal with you here because this is obviously a topic that is at the heart of everything that I write about.  

My definition of love used to be so warped that it would include me putting up with unacceptable behavior because I believed it was done out of love. I was in my thirties before I saw that fear is what led all the behaviors, actions, words, thoughts, and feelings that I was or felt hurt by (there is a difference there too). 

I was at my lowest point when I finally heard the call to look up the definition of love. This is what came up:

Love is patient; Love is kind; Love is NOT envious or boastful OR arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; It is not irritable or resentful; It does not rejoice in Wrongdoing, But rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, Hopes all things, endures all things.

—Corinthians 13.4-13.7

What about that definition has the potential to hurt? Everything that is mentioned about what love isn’t definitely has the potential to hurt. All of those things stem from fear. With that, my perspective that LOVE HURTS shifted to FEAR HURTS. It has even shifted more since those dark days, but the first step for me is giving love back the power it so much deserves. 

Now my definition of love is what anchors me and gives me a measurement of where my thoughts are in the moment. It shows me whether I’m living according to fear-based perspectives or love-based perspectives. We can choose either at any given moment, but if we don’t have a solid definition of love, we can get quickly confused between the two.  

When this perspective shifted, my life started changing. That is when I realized that in order to really live by this definition, I had to treat myself that way. That is when EVERYTHING changed for me. I was FINALLY able to break so many of the old patterns that came with my warped definition of love. Love Lifts is what I believe now. Love connects, and fear separates is what I believe. LOVE HURTS is just fear trying to use love as a cover-up. 


Write down all the reasons you believe that LOVE HURTS. Then use the definition above to see it is really love that is making you hurt. Write out as many perspectives of love that feel more true for you than LOVE HURTS. Check-in with your body to see what perspectives feel good and what ones don’t. The shift can feel extraordinary when it really sets in. 

Have a perspective-filled day!

With Love and Gratitude,

Rachael Wolff ©2020

43 More days until the release of Letters from A Better Me: How Becoming an Empowered Woman Transforms the World

90-Day A Better Me Series: Day 50 – Being Grateful for What Makes Us Different

90-Day A Better Me Series

Part II: A Journey of Perspective

What Launches Us Forward: The Stable Foundation

Day 50: Being Grateful for What Makes Us Different

“The miracle of gratitude is that it shifts your perception to such an extent that it changes the world you see.”

-Dr. Robert Holden

Gratitude is the path to finding perspectives of truth you WANT to live by. Gratitude takes us away from being victims of ourselves, victims of what other people think of us, victims of other people’s unintentional actions (meaning we feel hurt by them because of our perception not because they meant to hurt us), and victims of other people’s perspectives of truth.

Gratitude is a way we can shed some light on our own dark corners. It’s not about DEMANDING gratitude from others; it’s about feeling gratitude in our thoughts, actions, and reactions towards others. What other people do is their business. We are only responsible for the light and the dark we put out into the world.

Going back to the Law of Attraction and the ancient religious beliefs, we get back whatever we choose to put out there. We can’t expect to have a positive response if we are using a method of attack (fear-based) to get our way, for others to see our point, or expect others to gain understanding on our perspective of truth. All that does is trigger other people’s darkness. Unless we have engaged with one of the RARE, and I mean RARE, few that have moved past the point where they get triggered at all. We won’t usually get the response we were hoping for when we used fear-based methods.  I know if someone comes at me trying to force their fear-based views down my throat, I can’t tell you I ALWAYS respond from my light. I have to be VERY centered to do that. If I’m hit off-guard, I’m tired, I’m hungry, or I’m in my own dark corner at that moment, I’m not going to make the same choices I would if I was in my light (love) energy. It’s my responsibility to move myself out of the darkness I LET someone trigger inside me. How do I do that? Gratitude!

“The way to move out of judgment is to move into gratitude.”

-Neale Donald Walsch

Everyone is doing exactly what they SHOULD be at this moment in time. Does that stir you up? That’s reality. People are doing what they are doing. We can’t fight the reality of that. My perspective of truth is that it’s happening because we need to learn from the experience. I need to see the person I want be and the person I’m being with whatever is happening in the moment whether I’m apart of it or watching from the outside. Whatever triggers me sends me to a deeper level within myself to heal past wounds from old belief patterns. My path to healing is through gratitude.

When we can look for the lessons in other people’s feelings, thoughts, actions, and reactions, we can move ourselves into gratitude. We may start from a place where we can say to ourselves:

  • I’m SOOOOOO grateful I don’t see the world from that place of fear.
  • I’m grateful I’ve moved out of us against themfear-based way of thinking.
  • I’m grateful I have a perspective of truth that doesn’t inflict intentional pain and suffering on others.
  • I’m grateful  that what they believe is a perspective of truth and that I don’t have to buy into it.
  • I’m grateful to see the compassion  of others in response to this person’s hurt-filled actions.
  • I’m SO grateful for the community gathering around these people who have experienced great pain and loss.
  • I’m grateful for the voices that shed light on the dark.
  • I’m grateful for my non-reaction at the time I felt attacked, so that I can find a response from a loving place.
  • I’m grateful for my reaction at the time I felt attacked, because I can see where I still need to work on my own fear-based thinking.

We are ALL different. We each have our own unique spin on how we view reality because we are seeing the world through our own eyes. Each person is going to have a slightly different view. Even if people grew up in the same household, they are not going to see the world the exact same way. When we are not in a place of gratitude, we can treat people as a group instead of seeing their unique story. I loved studying groups in cultural anthropology and psychology, but what I loved even more is the connections I found in the individuals through love and/or fear. That’s where I found real likeness and understanding. I can find a lot of gratitude in that. I’m so grateful any time I can find love buried under people’s fear-based perspectives of truth. I’m so grateful when I can find my own love when I’m being faced with other’s fears.

We ALL have the ability to shift and change our perspectives of truth. Will we? That decision is up to each individual. We can choose to stay in our own painful stories or we can choose to seek out perspectives of truth that create peace within ourselves. We each get that choice and the circumstances in our lives can guide us to the light or the dark based on our perception of how we interpret what is happening.

When we can be grateful for what makes us different, we start to see how we are each the same. We each get this choice. We each get to choose love or fear in every feeling, thought, action, and reaction. We each get to see the world through our own unique lens. We each have something to offer humanity. Our beliefs (perspectives of truth) on politics, government, religion, economics, spirituality, regions, environment, food, animals, children, families, poverty, homelessness, borders,etc. are paths to see the love and/or fear within each other. They are not the source of who each of us are. They do not define who we can be, because we ALL have the ability to shift and change our perspectives of truth.

We can support each other in seeing more love by finding the gratitude within ourselves, which stimulates our love and peace from within, so we can project that out onto the world. We extend that peace out to the world in the choices we make and how we view others for the choices they are making. When we can see that we are all learning and growing from the love or the fear within us, what does that make you want to contribute to yourself and/or to the world? More love or more fear?

When we start living in gratitude for our differences, we truly change the world we see around us. With that view, we can stimulate changes we WANT to see in the world without that change fueling the energy of hate, fear, against, revenge, and rage. How does that sound to you? Is it worth trying to find gratitude in our differences now?

Sometimes when we see beyond the disagreement through gratitude, we find that both perspectives of truth come from love. We are just seeing it from a different angle. If we are only willing to look from our own angle, fear has crept in. We don’t have to believe someone else’s perspective to see that it comes from love. We can see it as an interesting view without choosing to follow the path of that view. That’s the beauty of this journey of life.

Just for Today

Make a gratitude list for the people who you are in conflict with over your different perspectives of truth. Really pay attention to how your energy shifts as you come up with more and more to be grateful for. See if you can find the love and fear within your and their view. What makes the differences separate you? What makes the difference bring you together?

I use this exercise anytime I’m letting someone else’s fear-based energy effect me. I’ve used it for political perspectives, religious perspectives, life perspectives, victim perspectives, etc. Anything that triggers me is a reason for me to write one of these lists because I don’t want to stay in my dark fear-based way of thinking about a person who is spreading fear and hate. Spreading fear and hate is the choice they are making for themselves. What choice do I want to make for myself? I CHOOSE LOVE.

With Love and Gratitude,


Rachael Wolff ©2019


If you’ve been following along, I’m sure you know by now that you will see a Letter from A Better Me today that reflects today’s message. Check it out here: 90-Day A Better Me Letters Series: Day 50 – Transitioning from Judgment to Gratitude. Those who haven’t been following, I hope you will checkout the 90-Day A Better Me Series and the 90-Day A Better Me Letters Series to see how they work together to help you transform your life. It’s FREE, so all you have to do is explore and read. Thank you for reading today’s installment!



90-Day A Better Me Letters Series: Day 4 -To the Fear Keeping Me from Experiencing Love

Letters from A Better Me

90-Day A Better Me Letters Series

Part I: A Journey of Awareness

What Holds Us Back: The Unstable Foundation

Day 4: To the Fear Keeping Me from Experiencing Love

To the Fear Keeping Me from Experiencing Love,

I know you’re there. I can feel you when I’m beating myself up for my mistakes. I can hear you whisper in my ear when I question how a person can love me. I feel you when I take any risks with my heart. Then you torture me with the endless stream of ridicule and mockery of any decision I make or thought I have. I am so scared of being rejected that I reject seeing the love in myself and others. I’m so scared of being hurt that I numb myself, which then hurts the people around me.

I know that I’ve seen and experienced things that I wouldn’t wish on anyone, and that I definitely don’t want to repeat. Yet it’s this fear of my past that keeps me repeating the same patterns with different people. My fear is what makes me relive the pain over and over like it is happening again and again. I finally see that I’m the one keeping me from experiencing love because of my fear of not being good enough.

I fear that bad things happen because I’m unworthy of the good. I now know that this is just a perception from the fears I’ve let fester inside of me. These beliefs are not real. They are not facts. By facing each fear head on I can let them go as I find a new way to look at my past. My job is to be here now. I have no business in the unknown future. I can choose to perceive my now in a different way. I can choose to perceive my relationships through love.

I know this will take a lot of work because you have had control of my life and relationships for as long as I can remember. You have been the guiding force. Facing you will take away your power over me. I can stop focusing on the fear I have of others and how their actions have the potential of hurting me. I can start focusing my attention on what I need to do to stop hurting myself. I will start showing myself the love that I so want to see.

Once I see the love in me, I will be able to recognize it when someone else shows me love. I will know it when I’m expressing love or if I’m in fear. I needed to feel you in order to know what love wasn’t. Love isn’t all the things you’ve been whispering to me. It’s not control, ultimatums, jealousy, rage, name-calling, yelling, condemning, being right, telling people how to live, and anything else that has to do with not accepting someone for who they are. That is all you! Love is uplifting and freeing and encourages others to be the best versions of themselves on their terms not mine. Love is being open to perceptions instead of forcing beliefs. Love is giving, strong, freeing, and enlightening. I can’t have that if you are there to keep me closed-minded in all my fear-based thinking. You have served your purpose. I’m ready to release you in order to live. I’m embracing you with the love within me. Thank you for being my teacher. Thank you for showing me how I want and don’t want to experience my relationships with others. Thank you for making me aware of how my past hurts have affected my life.

With Love and Gratitude,

A Better Me

Rachael Wolff ©2019

Companion Piece: 90-Day A Better Me Series: Day 4 – How Fear Keeps Us from Experiencing Love