90-Day A Better Me Series
Part I: A Journey of Awareness
What Holds Us Back: The Unstable Foundation
Day 28: Giving Ourselves Away
“When you know and respect your own inner Nature, you know where you belong. You also know where you don’t belong.”
From a young age many of us are taught not to be selfish. We are told that self-care is secondary to serving others. The message for some can be we aren’t worthy unless we are serving someone else. We take in messages like, treat others like you want to be treated. So we give and give and give trying to fill ourselves. What happens to many of us is instead of feeling full because we give, we feel depleted.
Giving when the intentions are in a healthy place fills us up. It gives us the power and energy to keep going even when we are serving in the darkest places. If we are a person who gives her/himself away, we will serve under extreme conditions, but make NO time for self-care. We will keep pushing until we completely crash. Numbing is used frequently, which can turn into addictions. Slowly, we lose ourselves piece by piece by piece. We become title after title throwing ourselves into any role we can to give ourselves away. One day IFwe get to a place where we’ve gotten so sick of ourselves or awaken to the need to change, we realize that we gave ourselves away and that we deserved better than the way we were treating ourselves.
When we give ourselves away, we become victims. We may blame others for taking advantage of us. We may blame ourselves for being stupid, a pushover, or a doormat. We also can feel that all we are here to do is serve others, and we are being selfish by not feeling happy about it. Why wouldn’t we want to numb ourselves under these conditions?
When we give ourselves away, we aren’t being accountable for our feelings, thoughts, actions, and reactions. We are acting unconsciously walking around being our own victims. We aren’t questioning our beliefs. We are living in our shame and unworthiness of having no value. If you’ve been reading this entire series, you see what I’m getting at because I’ve covered each way we sabotage our lives piece by piece throughout the first 27 days of the 90-Day A Better Me Series. What happens to us is not always under our control. We can’t always avoid traumas. Our beliefs whether they were created before the trauma or in a reaction to the trauma are ours and ours alone. We can’t be convinced of anything we don’t want to believe. That is why we are accountable. Giving ourselves away usually starts as an unconscious way of trying to seek our value outside of ourselves, like I wrote about on Day 28.
We are accountable for giving ourselves away. This doesn’t mean blaming ourselves and being the victim of our unconscious choices. This is true authentic empowerment. By knowing we choose to give ourselves away, we give ourselves the power to change it. Self-care, healthy boundaries, and being open to learn a different way of doing things are what happen when we take our power back. We can’t get there until we become aware.
When we don’t value ourselves, we will give ourselves away, or become so engrossed in numbing ourselves that our addictions take over as our way of fighting giving ourselves away. So instead of giving, we end up taking and taking. Both stem from becoming victims of ourselves. That is why many times a person who gives too much attracts an addict who takes too much. There are so many lessons in the relationship because both parties are suffering. They are both just approaching the suffering in different ways. We will stay in the dysfunction until we grow away from it.
There is no accident why I posted each day the way I did. If you are reading this series, you’re on a journey. That’s why I start with awareness of the things that block us. In the end, we are the problem and we are the solution. We can’t change anybody else. We can only work with the person in the mirror. If we do the work there, we become clear as we come out of the fog of our own victimhood. We are worthy! We are lovable! Life changes when we change.
Now, being that narcissists are a hot topic, especially when we have had to survive their abuse, it’s time I share my gratitude. It was my toxic relationship with a narcissist that got me to see how unhealthy I was. I was a prime target for one because I had no problem giving myself away. This is not about being an EMPATH, A GIVER, or COMPASSIONATE! We aren’t target for these AMAZING qualities. We are targets because we use the great qualities we have as an excuse to be walked on. Not all empaths, givers, and compassionate people are doormats, just the ones who don’t take care of themselves, their energy, and hold themselves accountable. When a narcissist comes into our life it doesn’t have to be a bad thing. They are AMAZING teachers. Narcissists can show us where our boundaries need work. They show us where we lack self-worth. We can see where we are still blaming, shaming, and judging others and ourselves. We can see where and how we give ourselves away time and time again. Most of all, we are faced with our greatest shame. Narcissists are great at finding our darkest areas and exposing them.
A narcissist may not be able to connect to their accountability, but we can. If we blame them for being who they are because they can’t help it. We are responsibility for the negative energy we are putting out. If we try to seek revenge for the pain we felt, we are responsible for that energy. A true narcissist doesn’t have control over it. I had to learn about myself and my accountability to break the ties and stop attracting that kind of energy into my life. Self-care is ESSENTIAL for not giving ourselves away and becoming a target. There are ways narcissists fish for victims. We can know multiple narcissists and not be a victim of them. Awareness is key. The more I learned about narcissism, the more I understood why I needed to learn the lessons I did. Now, I can be nothing but grateful because I’m free from being a victim of myself.
If we consider ourselves people pleasers, it’s time to take a good look in the mirror and really look deeper into why we choose to give ourselves away. We will cover more on Day 29 when approach the topic of self-abuse. If you have been triggered by this installment, I highly suggest you go back and read through Days 1-27. You will see where my perspective comes from and you may be more willing to dig deeper. Just remember fear, blame, shame, judgment, and hate are keeping us trapped. If we want to feel free, we have to let go of what doesn’t work.
Hint: If we are not at peace, what we are doing isn’t working. If we want to create peace outside of us, we have to feel peace inside of us.
Just for Today
It’s time to pull out some paper or create a new document on your computer. Look at areas of your life where you feel like you are giving yourself away. For now, put it aside and add to the list as needed. If you stay on the journey with me, you will have the tools to take a different path, if and only, if you want to. We always have the choice to get better, whether you choose to do it with me, someone else, or not do it at all is up to you. This is your life! Nobody can make it better except for you. No one else can do this work for us. We can be guided, but until we are ready we will stay in our chaos.
Be conscious of your energy that you are attracting to your life. Whatever you put out, you will get back. Holding ourselves accountable is not blame. We are all learning. We don’t know what we don’t know. If we choose to stay in the FIGHT of it all, we will suffer. We can make this choice moment to moment, and any time we fall back into old patterns, it just means there is more to learn. If we stick to it, we will get better. Becoming aware of how we give ourselves away is a BIG piece of the journey. Once we start seeing it, we open up to changes and shifts beyond our imagination.
Don’t miss today’s Letter from A Better Me, “Giving Myself Away” which will be posted later today. In the meantime if you want more, please explore past posts. If you haven’t already, you can choose to follow me. Thank you for reading!
With Love and Gratitude,
Rachael Wolff ©2019