90-Day A Better Me Series: Day 77 – How We Give Without Giving Ourselves Away

90-Day A Better Me Series

Part III: Living the Journey

Making the Now Count: Rebuilding our Lives

Day 77: How We Give Without Giving Ourselves Away

“Respect yourself and others will respect you.”

-Confucius

Giving without giving ourselves away. We give ourselves away if we are lost in our titles (mom, dad, single parent, son, daughter, wife, husband, girlfriend, boyfriend, partner, executive, cashier, doctor, rich, poor, disabled, good Samaritan, Christian, Buddhist, Muslim, Jewish, people pleaser, etc.) takes work. It’s self-work. If we don’t give time for self-work, our titles can become our identities. When they become our identities we’ve lost ourselves. Have you ever felt too spread thin because of all your titles?

From Day 2 of this series until Day 90 you are getting tools how not to give yourself away. The 90-Day A Better Me Seriesis the doorway into the work, but only you can choose if you want to step through the door. Otherwise, you are welcome to stay the doormat that lies down in front of it. There are many ways to do the work beyond what I offer here. I wouldn’t have been able to write the series if I didn’t find ways to do the work. I had to do the work to get to the place where I am now, and I continue to have to do the work daily to keep me here. I can easily fall back into giving myself away if I choose to stop doing the work.

We can follow paths that these titles have created, but underneath every single title, we are still here. We are still I AM.  I AM is a complete sentence, without following the path of any title, we still exist, our identities aren’t in the titles we carry. Grief of losing any title is SO MUCH WORSE if we put our identities into the title. Each path that a title takes us on are learning and growing experiences. There are going to be lessons and ways to give and to receive on EVERY path, but losing ourselves in the giving is when we think we ARE the title. We can be the best we can at any title we choose, and we can let the titles trap us in victim roles. Neither one is who we are. I AM is who each of us are. That is the beginning. So in order to NOT give ourselves away, we have to embrace I AM. Like I said, the details of these steps lie in each day of this series.

When we start becoming aware, more doors and pathways beyond the series will start opening. People will start showing up with more tools. Books will literally be mentioned multiple times in multiple ways unrelated to each other.  A topic you need to hear will be presented. It’s wild what happens when you decide to commit to the work. Miracles after miracle unfold before our eyes. One of the results of all this work is we NATURALLY don’t give ourselves away. It’s not forced. We don’t have to feel anger and resentment when people ask us to do beyond what we feel comfortable doing—Our energy remains peaceful. We can see the difference between what is theirs and what is ours.

If you are feeling a sense of excitement within you right now, that is a calling that you are ready to do the work. If you are feelings resistance, I highly suggest reading the entire series and see if that helps you feel excited. It’s FREE, and YOU ARE WORTH the time and energy, because this process is the bottomless well of life’s fuel. Instead of losing energy like we do when we give ourselves away (Day 28), we form healthy natural boundaries (Day 53) that replenish our energy instead of depleting it. We give when we feel a natural pull to give, we say no or delegate when we don’t. Our energy doesn’t shift with the chaos around us because the chaos is not who we are.  Here is a quick rundown of how to get to doorway of I AM, open it, and walk through it. Each step guides you to a part in the 90-Day A Better Me Seriesthat can lead you through the step in detail. Each part of the series is 30 days (Part I Days 1-30, Part II Days 31-60, Part II Days 61-90).

11-Steps to Giving Without Giving Ourselves Away—The Path of I AM

  1. Become aware of the titles you are getting lost in (Part I).
  2. Figure out what is blocking you from living as I AM (Part I).
  3. Accept and forgive yourself for how you’ve chosen to live that brings you pain and suffering (Part II).
  4. Question why you have chosen perspectives of truth that make you feel like you have to give yourself away to the titles (Part II).
  5. FIND YOUR VALUE AND WORTH (Part II)!!!
  6. Create new perspectives of truth (Part II).
  7. Give yourself the time you need to show yourself you value, love, and respect yourself (Part III).
  8. BE PATIENT and BE KIND (Part III) to yourself during this process because it takes time. Just think about how long it took you to become so imbedded in these titles that you made them your identity. There is a process of grief when we release our attachment to them. According to Kubler-Ross the 5-stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. When they pop up recognize them and accept that is where you are in the moment.
  9. QUESTION YOUR FEELINGS, THOUGHTS, AND ACTIONS (Part III)!!! If they are creating chaos and drama in in your physical and emotional world, use your perspective tools. Figure out what energy you are projecting—Fear (darkness/lack) or love (light/abundance).
  10. BE PRESENT (Part III)! Only in your present moment does the connection to I AM exist. Slow yourself down and do the work step by step in the present moment to project the energy you want to be sending out into the world. When we are present, we don’t give ourselves away because our head is where our feet are. We are conscious of our energy and what we need to do in this moment to align it with our choices, doorways, paths, and most of all the Divine Energy that created us to be I AM.
  11. Give from a place of abundance (Part III). When we are full, our actions are full. We are giving from a place of peace. We don’t expect our actions to trigger someone else to do something to complete us. When we are giving from a place of lack, we are NOT contributing to the positive flow of energy in our lives. We are expecting our giving to fill a hole. So it becomes the black hole that we lose ourselves in.

When we take these steps we are living in I AM. We can flow in and out of I AM as we grow and expand. We have to make the choice to be in I AM in each moment, which is why it only exists in the present. When we reach the point of I AM on a more regular basis, our lives truly reflect the abundance of our existence. Our purpose becomes clear and we give without giving ourselves away.

 

With Love and Gratitude,

 

Rachael Wolff ©2019

Don’t forget to read today’s companion piece: 90-Day A Better Me Letters Series: Day 77 – Giving Without Giving Myself Away

90-Day A Better Me Series: Day 28 – Giving Ourselves Away

90-Day A Better Me Series

Part I: A Journey of Awareness

What Holds Us Back: The Unstable Foundation

Day 28: Giving Ourselves Away

“When you know and respect your own inner Nature, you know where you belong. You also know where you don’t belong.”

-Benjamin Hoff

From a young age many of us are taught not to be selfish. We are told that self-care is secondary to serving others. The message for some can be we aren’t worthy unless we are serving someone else. We take in messages like, treat others like you want to be treated. So we give and give and give trying to fill ourselves. What happens to many of us is instead of feeling full because we give, we feel depleted.

Giving when the intentions are in a healthy place fills us up. It gives us the power and energy to keep going even when we are serving in the darkest places. If we are a person who gives her/himself away, we will serve under extreme conditions, but make NO time for self-care. We will keep pushing until we completely crash. Numbing is used frequently, which can turn into addictions. Slowly, we lose ourselves piece by piece by piece. We become title after title throwing ourselves into any role we can to give ourselves away. One day IFwe get to a place where we’ve gotten so sick of ourselves or awaken to the need to change, we realize that we gave ourselves away and that we deserved better than the way we were treating ourselves.

When we give ourselves away, we become victims. We may blame others for taking advantage of us. We may blame ourselves for being stupid, a pushover, or a doormat. We also can feel that all we are here to do is serve others, and we are being selfish by not feeling happy about it. Why wouldn’t we want to numb ourselves under these conditions?

When we give ourselves away, we aren’t being accountable for our feelings, thoughts, actions, and reactions. We are acting unconsciously walking around being our own victims. We aren’t questioning our beliefs. We are living in our shame and unworthiness of having no value. If you’ve been reading this entire series, you see what I’m getting at because I’ve covered each way we sabotage our lives piece by piece throughout the first 27 days of the 90-Day A Better Me Series. What happens to us is not always under our control. We can’t always avoid traumas. Our beliefs whether they were created before the trauma or in a reaction to the trauma are ours and ours alone. We can’t be convinced of anything we don’t want to believe. That is why we are accountable. Giving ourselves away usually starts as an unconscious way of trying to seek our value outside of ourselves, like I wrote about on Day 28.

We are accountable for giving ourselves away. This doesn’t mean blaming ourselves and being the victim of our unconscious choices. This is true authentic empowerment. By knowing we choose to give ourselves away, we give ourselves the power to change it. Self-care, healthy boundaries, and being open to learn a different way of doing things are what happen when we take our power back.  We can’t get there until we become aware.

When we don’t value ourselves, we will give ourselves away, or become so engrossed in numbing ourselves that our addictions take over as our way of fighting giving ourselves away. So instead of giving, we end up taking and taking. Both stem from becoming victims of ourselves. That is why many times a person who gives too much attracts an addict who takes too much. There are so many lessons in the relationship because both parties are suffering. They are both just approaching the suffering in different ways. We will stay in the dysfunction until we grow away from it.

There is no accident why I posted each day the way I did. If you are reading this series, you’re on a journey. That’s why I start with awareness of the things that block us. In the end, we are the problem and we are the solution. We can’t change anybody else. We can only work with the person in the mirror. If we do the work there, we become clear as we come out of the fog of our own victimhood. We are worthy! We are lovable! Life changes when we change.

Now, being that narcissists are a hot topic, especially when we have had to survive their abuse, it’s time I share my gratitude. It was my toxic relationship with a narcissist that got me to see how unhealthy I was. I was a prime target for one because I had no problem giving myself away. This is not about being an EMPATH, A GIVER, or COMPASSIONATE! We aren’t target for these AMAZING qualities. We are targets because we use the great qualities we have as an excuse to be walked on. Not all empaths, givers, and compassionate people are doormats, just the ones who don’t take care of themselves, their energy, and hold themselves accountable. When a narcissist comes into our life it doesn’t have to be a bad thing. They are AMAZING teachers. Narcissists can show us where our boundaries need work. They show us where we lack self-worth. We can see where we are still blaming, shaming, and judging others and ourselves. We can see where and how we give ourselves away time and time again. Most of all, we are faced with our greatest shame. Narcissists are great at finding our darkest areas and exposing them.

A narcissist may not be able to connect to their accountability, but we can. If we  blame them for being who they are because they can’t help it. We are responsibility for the negative energy we are putting out. If we try to seek revenge for the pain we felt, we are responsible for that energy. A true narcissist doesn’t have control over it. I had to learn about myself and my accountability to break the ties and stop attracting that kind of energy into my life. Self-care is ESSENTIAL for not giving ourselves away and becoming a target. There are ways narcissists fish for victims. We can know multiple narcissists and not be a victim of them. Awareness is key. The more I learned about narcissism, the more I understood why I needed to learn the lessons I did. Now, I can be nothing but grateful because I’m free from being a victim of myself.

If we consider ourselves people pleasers, it’s time to take a good look in the mirror and really look deeper into why we choose to give ourselves away. We will cover more on Day 29 when approach the topic of self-abuse. If you have been triggered by this installment, I highly suggest you go back and read through Days 1-27. You will see where my perspective comes from and you may be more willing to dig deeper. Just remember fear, blame, shame, judgment, and hate are keeping us trapped. If we want to feel free, we have to let go of what doesn’t work.

Hint: If we are not at peace, what we are doing isn’t working. If we want to create peace outside of us, we have to feel peace inside of us.

Just for Today

It’s time to pull out some paper or create a new document on your computer. Look at areas of your life where you feel like you are giving yourself away. For now, put it aside and add to the list as needed. If you stay on the journey with me, you will have the tools to take a different path, if and only, if you want to. We always have the choice to get better, whether you choose to do it with me, someone else, or not do it at all is up to you. This is your life! Nobody can make it better except for you. No one else can do this work for us. We can be guided, but until we are ready we will stay in our chaos.

Be conscious of your energy that you are attracting to your life. Whatever you put out, you will get back. Holding ourselves accountable is not blame. We are all learning. We don’t know what we don’t know. If we choose to stay in the FIGHT of it all, we will suffer. We can make this choice moment to moment, and any time we fall back into old patterns, it just means there is more to learn. If we stick to it, we will get better. Becoming aware of how we give ourselves away is a BIG piece of the journey. Once we start seeing it, we open up to changes and shifts beyond our imagination.

Don’t miss today’s Letter from A Better Me, 90-Day A Better Me Letters Series: Day 28 -Giving Myself Away. In the meantime if you want more, please explore past posts. If you haven’t already, you can choose to follow me. Thank you for reading!

With Love and Gratitude,

 

Rachael Wolff ©2019