90-Day A Better Me Letters Series: Day 30 – Suffering from My Lack of Presence

Letters from A Better Me

90-Day A Better Me Letters Series

Part I: A Journey of Awareness

What Holds Us Back: The Unstable Foundation

Day 30: Suffering from My Lack of Presence

Dear Self,

I’ve been the victim of my past for as long as I can remember. I don’t give people, places, and things a chance because of my fear of suffering like I did before. Then without fail—I suffer! Again and again, I suffer. Obviously my way of protecting myself isn’t working.

My way of obsessing about the future isn’t working either. I’m constantly making myself a victim of some unforeseen event, person, or persons whether it is because of something I watched, read about, heard about, or something from my own fear base.  I don’t see anybody for who they are. I see my fears projected onto them.

When I’m not present, I fool myself into thinking I can predict the future. I attach myself and my happiness to people, places, and things instead of finding my joy and happiness in the moment. By doing this, I miss the good stuff and the warnings meant to protect me. I miss seeing amazing sights, enjoying tasty food, and feeling experiences both physically and emotionally.

I have put myself in harm’s way so many times by focusing on what’s already happened or a moment that hasn’t come. I’ve put others in harm’s way over my absence too. There are times I haven’t been paying attention driving, walking, talking, listening, eating, cooking, fishing, hiking, camping, etc. This is not safe.

I can spend so much time not being where my feet are because I’m focused anywhere but right here and now. I see that it’s time for me to become aware of how my lack of presence is affecting the quality of my life. I need to pay attention to the things that keep me from being present.

I commit to becoming aware when my head isn’t focused on the task at hand. I’m ready to look at how my lack of presence is keeping me from the life I want. I’m grateful that I am capable of changing my ability to stay present more often. My awareness is my choice and I choose to live better by becoming more present.

With Love and Gratitude,

 

A Better Me

 

Rachael Wolff ©2019

Did you read today’s companion piece? 90-Day A Better Me Series: Day 30 – Anywhere but Right Here and Now

Have you been reading along with the series? We are getting ready to jump into Part II. Catch yourself up on the Journey of Awareness and enjoy the Journey of Perspective. Thank you for being here now! Take a long deep breath in and out. You are in the now. Enjoy it!

 

90-Day A Better Me Series: Day 26 – The Crumbling Foundation in the Mirror

90-Day A Better Me Series

Part I: A Journey of Awareness

What Holds Us Back: The Unstable Foundation

Day 26: The Crumbling Foundation in the Mirror

“Most people are living in an illusion based on someone else’s beliefs.”

-Jen Sincero

So far in the 90-Day A Better Me Serieswe’ve been working on becoming aware of our unstable foundations. We’ve covered: fear, shame, blame, judgment, and hate. Now, we are getting to the heart of all of it—Ourselves and our beliefs.  Our focus will be on the perceptions of ourselves and the reality we create that keeps our foundations unstable.

Today, I’m not going to be talking about the cruelty that can come out of the mirror. I’m going beyond the cruelty and get deep down into the roots—Our unquestioned beliefs about ourselves, life, and how we live it. Each one of us is programmed with a series of belief systems that goes back generation after generation. These beliefs dictate how we live our lives if they go unquestioned.

In today’s world things can get even more confusing with so many different people, opinions, and belief systems of their own weighing in. Our ability to be involved with a global community at the touch of a finger can be very overwhelming. People are fighting harder to hold onto belief systems that were passed down. The fight AGAINST the unknown has grown more intense. If you’ve been reading, you know just how dangerous the fight AGAINST is (Day 23).

Our foundations we have built on are being questioned, and sometimes we are solid in our beliefs. We may choose to fight and defend them, once again going to war, which is an act against ourselves. If the belief is something that brings us love and light, we will share them, but without trying to insist on our own way. Sometimes we question them and will feel a sense of shame, guilt, and betrayal towards our families or ourselves. Other times we completely freeze and try to numb ourselves from the overload.  There are plenty more reactions, feelings, thoughts, and actions that come from the questioning of the core beliefs that make up our foundations. Each individual person is going to react a little differently. Just because we react or think one way, it doesn’t mean someone else will. We each have our own path; it’s not our business to judge someone else’s. If we focus on our own, it not only benefits ourselves, it benefits the people around us.

Self-care is selfish is one of the beliefs that can really mess with a person’s head. Many who belief this will completely give themselves away time and time again then wonder why they are tired, exhausted, and drained. When we belief self-care is selfish, we are in a constant fight with ourselves anytime we try to take time or do something to show that we value ourselves. Let’s take a battle, which I know many people struggle with—Weight loss. If a person believes self-care is selfish losing weight will be a fight, because you have to care for yourself to lose and keep the weight off. You have to make your health a priority. We only make time for what we value. Hmmm… So unconscious sabotage of losing weight takes hold and our mind gets really confused because if we don’t lose the weight, we’re honoring the belief that self-care is selfish and if we do lose the weight, we feel a sense of selfishness for doing it. Some people will feel guilt and shame for spending time to focus on their own needs.

Now some people may take this belief to the other extreme. They will lose weight to try to serve someone else. We can teach health and live an unhealthy inner life because of this belief system is working against us. So we may be so physically fit, but it’s not for ourselves. It may be for someone we love or to serve a community. We still are going to have to deal with the war inside of us. It may come out as resentment for our loved ones wanting us to be healthy, so we go into war with them.  We might get digestive problems due to stress, because  the manifestation of stress can be our inner battle against ourselves. Our minds operate how our bodies work. If we go to war with our minds, our bodies pay the price. Toxic build-up in our bodies turns into sickness and disease.

If you believe in some form of a Higher Power, Creator, God, Allah, Buddha, etc., I can’t believe for one second that we were created to torture ourselves. We have just as much value as everyone else who was created. You don’t deserve to treat yourself as less than. If love is not what you feel from the Creator of your beliefs—It’s time to question your beliefs.

Self-care is our oxygen. If we don’t put our oxygen masks on ourselves first—WE DIE. Fear, blame, shame, judgment, and hate will do their best to keep us from taking care of ourselves, because they can’t survive if we take care of ourselves. Self-care is an action of love. Once we embrace the love within ourselves, we are unstoppable to help ourselves and the world we serve. We will get more into that more in the months to come.

Belief systems that consist of fear and hate of or for others are destructive to all foundations of life. I literally just let out the biggest sigh as the tears welled up in my eyes. If we are run by fear and hate, we are incapable of knowing what love REALLY is. We confuse our messages and we interlink the two. They don’t go together! People who intentionally hurt others don’t know love. They know all the elements of fear: jealousy, judgment, blame, rage, resentment, passive-aggressiveness, shame, guilt (except sociopaths and malignant narcissists), manipulation, war, sabotage, emotional traps, abuse, and/or attempts to control others feelings, thoughts, and actions. None of those are love!! If we are using any of these tools to live, we aren’t operating from a loving place. We are operating out of fear. The more we love ourselves, the more we are able to recognize love in someone else. When I start fearing, I start questioning my beliefs that put me there. The internet can be a great source of investigation, but it can also be a great tool for fear. It’s about how we use it and what our focus is. We can see whatever we want to see. My story about the alligator on Day 5 was a prime example. Fears unquestioned can keep us from living. Fear separates us and love unites us, but if we don’t know the difference between the two we go to war.

Our belief systems are a series of perspectives of truth. They come from stories, thoughts, and ideas that turned into a belief. Have you ever played the game Telephone? A group of people sit in a line or a circle. The person at one end whispers a secret to the person sitting next to them. Then the secret moves down the line and gets interpreted by every person as it’s whispered from person to person. By the end, the secret is nowhere close to the original message. We have to remember that each person who passes down a story puts his or her own interpretations into it. Many parents use fearful stories to try to get their kids to do something. Those messages can turn into beliefs very quickly and unconsciously. If you look at religious organizations even within the same religious belief system will have different interpretations. NO two people are going to view things the exact same way. Neither can any group of people. The best thing we can do for ourselves and others is to learn about each other as individuals. We ALL have love and we ALL have fear. How does the person you are connecting to live their life? How does she/he show her love? How does he/she show her fear? Is what they are telling me project love or fear?

Someone who is raised with love around them may interpret life differently than someone who is raised surrounded by fear. Yet, if a person who was raised around fear finds the meaning of love within him, the fear bounces off of him and inspires him expand out of that fear-filled life. A person raised around love can be touched with fear and if she turns that fear against herself and chooses not to love herself, the trajectory of unconscious fear-based living gets ignited. The circumstances around our lives don’t matter as much as the messages and beliefs we form within ourselves and who we are as individuals.

This installment is just scratching the surface of this topic. I’ve dropped pieces throughout the series and will continue to do so, but it will still only scratch the surface. The quest to question our belief systems that keep our foundations unstable is a HUGE undertaking. Many of us need help going through this piece if we’ve reached living in the throws of fear. I know I have! I’ve gotten help in many areas of my life to help me reveal beliefs that were holding me back. I didn’t find the way through this in one place. When you take the journey of awareness, the doors will open as you are ready for them. Just be patient. We can only get to the path of freedom by taking one step at a time.

Just for Today

Look at what beliefs of yourself and others keep you from seeing love in the mirror. How are you interpreting perspectives of truth that keep your foundation weak and unstable?

If you notice messages being repeated through out this series, GOOD! That means the information is sticking. If it didn’t stick, you wouldn’t notice. The farther we are from noticing, the deeper our fears are keeping us trapped.  We are building our awareness by taking steps. Each time the material may hit us a little differently. The process isn’t different for me. By writing it, the ideas sink in more and more and I start living from a loving place on a more consistent basis. That’s why I ABSOLUTELY love the journey of awareness.

I’m so incredibly grateful for the opportunity to write and share my perspectives with the people who choose to read this. I don’t believe there are any mistakes in the Universe, so I welcome you because I know you are exactly where you are supposed to be. Whether you choose to read this one piece, a few pieces, or the entire series, you are on the journey you are meant to be on, so trust the process. It’s time to break-free from the prison of our minds.

Thank you for reading!

With Love and Gratitude,

 

Rachael Wolff ©2019

 

Companion letter: 90-Day A Better Me Letters Series: Day 26 -Questioning Beliefs on Why My Foundation Continues to Crumble

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90-Day A Better Me Series: Day 2- Understanding the Journey of Awareness

Part I

Month 1: A JOURNEY OF AWARENESS

What Holds Us Back: The Unstable Foundation

Day 2: Understanding the Journey of Awareness 

“If the house is crooked and crumbling, and the land on which it sits uneven, is it possible to make anything lie straight?”

–Katherine Boo, Behind the Beautiful Foreversp. 254

When our foundation is not solid, our house will deteriorate. We can tear down the house over and over, but eventually we will see that no matter what we build, it slowly breaks down and crumbles.  We will continue to try old methods to fix the house, but they will fail. We have to fix the foundation on which the house lies. Unearth the fear, guilt, anger, blame, and shame that is making the Earth be at unrest.

Many of us unknowingly walk around with fear-based belief systems that are constantly sabotaging our lives. Some of these systems go back generations, and we don’t even know why we believe what we do, because we never asked ourselves where the belief came from.  We follow our family’s lead and keep plotting along wondering why our lives are the way they are. I can tell you, that wasn’t good enough for me. I started life in a toxic home. When my parents went their separate ways I started to see changes. They were not as tense, I didn’t get yelled at as much, and things were transitioning in so many ways I didn’t understand. I never stopped questioning. Sometimes to the point I would drive myself crazy trying to overanalyze every detail. My mom started to develop into a person, I didn’t recognize. Her changes were positive, but as a child I didn’t see it that way. It took me a long time to see the true meaning and power of her changes. She stopped letting fear-based thinking run her life. As a teenager, I tried to follow her lead. I would take on these huge concepts that I had no way of understanding and get frustrated when I couldn’t get them to apply to my life. I just couldn’t get that I was trying to tear down and re-build my house on that same unstable ground. I had to go deeper than books and therapy were taking me. I got hit with some pretty severe life lessons before I really even began to uncover the truth I was avoiding. I had to go into me. I needed to face the parts of me I kept buried in the mucky soil that polluted my foundation. Going into the mud was the only way to fix it.

We will start in the place that will create the most obvious shifts in our life. If we are brave enough to sift through the crap, we will start creating a foundation worth building on. This process takes time. There are a multitude of layers and just when we think we have it figured out, BANG! New life lesson emerge to make us find more rocks hidden in the underbelly.

Unhealed hurts from our past have a way of creeping into our present and wreaking havoc on our realities. Some lie just under that top ground layer and all’s it takes to come up is a little shuffle of the feet on top of it. The dust then spreads throughout our house and waits for more dirt to finds it’s way in.

The darkest places in our mind hold the key to why we are keeping ourselves in unhealthy patterns. The relationships we attract in our lives tell us all we need to know about what is going on inside. We need to be open to listen, absorb, and hear the truth. If we are contributing to the energy of fear, shame, blame, judgment, and hate we are keeping ourselves from the love we all want and crave.

In part one of this journey we will face what creates the unstable ground. Together we will find our way through the muck. Don’t be surprised if you all the sudden start deep cleaning your house in the process. Doing something physical is a great way to keep your momentum going. I find that dealing with the physical clutter helps me be more open to working through my internal chaos.  I also have become aware that anytime I loose control of my external clutter it is because something inside me is in need of work.

Get personal with these letters! If thoughts, feelings, words, and/or memories come up, look at them, write them down, feel them out. Don’t run away or overlook them. They popped up because they have something to tell you. If you start getting defensive, question it. Is it really about what I’m saying, or is it about a belief system you have that is getting in your way? If I’m triggered by what someone says, I need to look at why. Usually it has nothing to do with the person in front of me. Most commonly, I’m reacting to a defense mechanism that I have used to keep me safe, but is not serving me anymore. Some of these are hard to let go and I will fight to keep them. Watch how hard you fight to protect your story.

If you feel the need to lash out, do it on paper. Don’t start spreading the poison. Trust me, if you write it out, then wait a couple of days, re-look at it, and come to it from a place of wanting to find out why the anger, fear, or hurt came up, you WILL find your way so much faster. Deepak Chopra says, “What I believe makes me who I am.” Let’s start cleaning up our beliefs so we enjoy life the way we deserve.

Let the journey begin.

With Love and Gratitude,

Rachael Wolff ©2019

Companion Letter: 90-Day A Better Me Letters Series: Day 2 – A Message to the Mind