90-Day A Better Me Series: Day 25 – Attracting the Energy of Hate

90-Day A Better Me Series

Part I: A Journey of Awareness

What Holds Us Back: The Unstable Foundation

Day 25:Attracting the Energy of Hate

“Let no man pull you low enough to hate him.”

-Martin Luther King Jr.

I never knew how much I hated myself until I attracted a severely verbally and emotionally abusive relationship to my life. I had no idea of the energy I was projecting to the world because on the outside, I was kind and loving to all the people around me. I was the friend who would do anything for anybody. I constantly ran around town like a little social butterfly and never stopped for a second to look at how I was treating myself. I had no idea at the core I felt unlovable and unworthy of being loved at all. Trying desperately, I grasped at straws for anyone to love me. I begged for love in all the wrong ways. I didn’t do ANYTHING to take care of myself or my self-worth. My self-hatred came out in self-blame and judgment of others. I would blame my childhood and my life choices for not being able to be loved. It was in the midst of one of my lowest points that I felt like a shell of a human being. I was trying to please everyone, except myself. I saw only titles (mom, wife, friend, co-worker, daughter, sister) but I had no clue of who I was. Like so many, I kept trying to find myself outside of myself. I avoided venturing in because I was scared of what I would find. I had no idea that by avoiding looking inward was the reason I was attracting (Law of Attraction) the energy of hate to my life.

When we start from a place of self-abuse and/or being the emotional victims of others (mentally not physically) and ourselves, we project out toxic energy. We can do good things; be kind to friends, strangers, and animals, but the energy we put out into the Universe will attract more traumatic life lessons. We aren’t being punished. Our Creator doesn’t hate us. The Universe isn’t against us. We are against ourselves, which hinders our personal/ spiritual growth.

A couple days ago, I talked about the energy of AGAINST (Day 23). If you have been following the 90-Day A Better Me Series, you might be seeing the problem with this. We have given ourselves the role of victim over our entire life any time we shame, judge, and blame ourselves and others. If we are victims of our lives, we attract (Law of Attraction) outer circumstances to be victims of. THIS FREAKING SUCKS!!! I know, and I have been there! We can be victims of traumatic events, natural or unnatural, without defining ourselves with the role of victim. We were victim of that particular thing, yes, but it is what we do with the experience that will change our lives for better or worse.

I kept getting these hard life lessons that were like getting bashed in the head with a baseball bat. I used that as an excuse to treat myself with more and more cruelty (violence). Looking back to how I used to talk to myself in the mirror, I can only be grateful that I learned another way to live, but it took me going through some hardcore traumatic situations for me to get here. I had to completely breakdown to the point where my only way out of the suffering was to break through it (I will talk about the process in Part II and Part III).

As I’ve said earlier in the series, I was diagnosed with P.T.S.D. I do understand that sometimes there are forces beyond what our mind is ready to handle, but I will tell you, the more I broke free from being a victim of my life, the less often I had episodes. Now, if they do come up, I can recognize them quickly, choose new thoughts, take the lesson from the episode, and move past it. Instead of becoming part of a bigger problem, the episode becomes apart of my growth…the experience feels so much better once I changed my perspective on it. Our thoughts are our choice! They are not a prison sentence.

Hate is the very energy that will endlessly sabotage anything good that comes our way. We will only attract as much happiness as we believe we deserve. If we think self-care is selfish, that will NOT help us. Without self-care we can easily become co-dependent on others to fulfill an emptiness that only we can fill. This pressure we put on someone else turns into resentment, which carries the energy of hate. Even if a relationship starts off just the way we want it, the hate will brew underneath the surface until it makes the floors so unstable that the other person will fight to match the hate or they will leave. The house we built on the foundation of hate will burn to the ground. Either way, the results are devastating. We sit alone wondering how it could happen when it started so strong.

If we can do that with one person’s personal energy, can you imagine what we do as a global community if so many people are feeding into this hate filled energy pool? We see and attract more things that attract violence and despair. How can we expect individuals to respect each other if they can’t respect themselves? We can’t know someone else’s true value to this life without judgment, until we see our own. We are all valuable, because we are here taking this journey. We each have things to learn. We each have lessons to offer. Some of us will be faced with very tough, hard-hitting lessons, but all lessons will hurt more when we resist them.

Numbing ourselves is RESISTING! Numbing is a guarantee that we will attract the energy of hate to our lives. It’s like the Universe is saying, you can learn this the easy way by facing what I bring to you, or you can learn the hard way and resist the process. The Universe has no choice but to give us lesson after to lesson until we learn and grow or shrink and die—No judgment just energy. Many of our numbing tools are literally killing us slowly. We have to make the choice to live or lives or hide in our caves. This is not the Universe being against us or judging us, this is us judging ourselves so harshly that we are scared to face the feelings that come up. The energy we put into this experience (journey through life) is the energy we will get out of it. Once again, I will remind you of the fear vs. hope exercise on Day 16. Where you put your focus is key, but the trick that many people forget to share is that the energy has to come from within. We can’t find this energy outside of ourselves. We can’t attract an energy that we don’t have. So, PLEASE be very conscious of how you are treating yourself. We attract whatever energy is at the core of how we really feel about ourselves. There is no hiding from it. We can choose to live in the muck or break free. The choice is ours.

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Tomorrow, we are going to start the journey of awareness inward. Here is a sneak peak of what is coming in the next few days:

  • Day 26: The Crumbling Foundation in the Mirror
  • Day 27:Looking for Value Outside of Ourselves
  • Day 28:Giving Ourselves Away
  • Day 29: Self-Abuse
  • Day 30:Anywhere but Right Here and Now

Just for Today

Anywhere you can, try to become aware of the energy you are projecting out without shaming or blaming yourself. Just know that becoming aware is the first step to changing the trajectory of your life. Our unknowing is simply just another lesson we must learn in order to live better. We don’t have to make it anything more or anything less.

A Reminder

This is one person’s gathered perspective. There are plenty others out there. It doesn’t mean one is right and the other is wrong, simply be open to hold on to what feels best for your life and let go of the rest. Seeing things differently is how we are all able to grow and expand. If you feel yourself judging material as right or wrong, simply try saying something like, “That’s an interesting perspective.” Just this simple phrase can do wonders to help shift our energy. It helps us leave our minds open for interpretation. We are all humans trying to interpret the information we are given the best we can. My material is supplemental to religious/spiritual practices, therapeutic processes, wellness programs, etc. No two people will ever think, feel, act, and react the exact same way. Celebrate the opportunities of the world of perspective.

I hope to see you back again tomorrow. If you missed a day, you can go to the Categories Section and pull up the 90-Day A Better Me Series. You will be see and explore all the days you missed. You can also follow via E-mail by scrolling down. I hope you have a great day! Thank you for reading.

With Love and Gratitude,

 

Rachael Wolff ©2019

 

Don’t forget to read today’s letter! 90-Day A Better Me Letters Series: Day 25 – Being Accountable for Attracting the Energy of Hate

 

 

90-Day A Better Me Series: Day 17 – Blame Conceals the Truth

90-Day A Better Me Series

Part I: A Journey of Awareness

What Holds Us Back: The Unstable Foundation

 

Day 17: Blame Conceals the Truth

“When you blame and criticize others, you are avoiding some truth about yourself.”

-Deepak Chopra

Blame conceals the truth in a multitude of ways. It’s not even as simple as not blaming others or ourselves. It goes even deeper. Our blaming of things, circumstances, and concepts, give us the same negative outcomes. Blame conceals our power to change our insides to even have a chance to change what is happening outside of us. We actually can hinder other people from getting the help they need by encouraging and supporting the blame cycle. We stay trapped and held hostage by the negative energy that we engage in. This path is dark and ominous, because we are stuck in an endless tunnel. We don’t see that our light to see the end of the tunnel comes from inside of us. We keep looking outside of ourselves and finding there is only dark, because the truth is darkness is what we are projecting out.

One of the most dangerous parts about what blame conceals is what happens to victims of trauma who get stuck focusing on the traumatic event that happened to them. This is not about P.T.S.D. This is about the deeper seed that is planted that keeps this person the victim of the person or event sometimes for their entire lives. We think we are doing victims a favor by helping them keep their finger pointed out, but energy of blame is consuming. A victim can build their entire life around being a victim because that is where their focus is. This attracts more trauma and heartbreak to the person’s life. Sometimes, it will be the rope that hangs them. Too many people have died from the everyday pressures of living in a world where they STAY a victim to the point where they become the victim of themselves. The victim punishes her/himself over and over. The trauma could have been twenty years ago or more, and if we stay focused on the blame, we will re-live it continually.

Think about the Law of Attraction that we talked about earlier in the series, can you imagine the pain and suffering this attracts? Blame takes away our power to change our lives for the better. The resentment of blame keeps us operating on a low frequency, so that is what we attract more of. Many victims will blame themselves for something or other and will take on feelings of shame. I’m sure everyone is also aware that there is plenty of victim shaming out there too. Together the shame/blame cycle can reach devastating measures.

Think of the straw exercise from yesterday (click here for link). A victim who can’t move on from the blame in order to get their own personal power back is literally stuck in that sphere of fear. No matter what they do to get out, if they stay blaming, they will never see outside of that sphere of reality. Many victims have tremendous fear over letting go of the trauma. Just like a job or any position in life, we can make it a part of our identity (dangerous in itself), a victim can think by reaching a level where they don’t blame and possibly even forgive that it means they are excusing the behavior of the other person or even event from taking responsibility for all the pain they/it caused. That is not true at all. By staying in the blame, we are taking responsibility for something we have absolutely no control over. We don’t let go for someone/something else; we let go to free ourselves of the burdens that aren’t ours to hold on to.

“When you think EVERYTHING is someone else’s fault, you will suffer a lot.”

-Dalai Lama

Another way blame conceals the truth and keeps us hostage is when we blame things like addiction, alcohol, drugs, gambling, food, weapons, cancer, pain, weather, men (as a concept), women (as a concept), teens (as a concept), traffic, store hours, fear, etc. I think you get the point. We are still dealing with that same negative energy over things we have no control over. So the blame only creates more problems.

I uncovered an amazing lesson about blame, when I caught myself blaming someone else’s addiction to drugs and alcohol. For years, I blamed the addiction for this person’s behavior. I didn’t realize I was still investing in a negative energy by doing this. After the relationship with the person ended, I intentionally set out to make sure that the next person I was with didn’t drink or do drugs. That was my only requirement. Not realizing what I was doing, I put my full focus on what I “didn’t” want. HORRIBLE CONSEQUENCES! The next man I dated didn’t drink or do drugs. He had quit, but I got to see by blaming the addiction, I wasn’t taking personal responsibility for my part. When sick behaviors on both sides of the relationship started to present themselves, I got faced with an emotional 2×4 that hit me right where it hurts and saw that I was in fact the problem for attracting the unhealthy relationships in my life. Blaming addiction was my way of avoiding dealing with the real problems: my self-concept, self-respect, self-love, and lack of any self-worth. Blaming something and someone else kept me from seeing that I was co-dependent on these unhealthy relationships. I derived my self-worth from feeling important to someone else, and when I didn’t I crashed. This is just one piece of the vicious cycle of having no self-worth. I had to stop blaming before I could start diving into fixing what needed to be fixed— ME!

We don’t have to be trapped in ANY negative and/or unhealthy way of living if we CHOOSE not to be. That is another truth that blame conceals. For everything I named above there are people who make themselves victims by blaming these things or champions/heroes by seeing these things as opportunities to grow from. We live in an age where to see either side all we have to do is type keywords into our computers, tablets, or phones. We can see inspiring or devastating stories how people have made their perception of truth work for or against them.

When we blame others/situations/events we are in engaging in fear-based living. We are saying this is on you. The truth is we have a personal responsibility for every thought, feeling, action, and reaction we have. When we blame we are concealing the truth about how we are letting the person or event have power over our lives. Many times we keep re-living situations over and over having pretend conversations of all the things we could say or do if we were given the chance. I know I’ve had full on conversations in the mirror telling people off for doing what they did to me. The only person that hurts is the person looking back at us in the mirror. Blaming keeps us from fixing the one person we are responsible for fixing—OURSELVES!

We can’t control what other people do to us or what they do to each other. We can’t control our families, friends, partners, co-workers, governments, and strangers. We can’t control traffic, accidents, store hours, delivery services, disease, etc. We can manage what goes on inside of us. We can control where we want to focus our energy. We can choose to take our lives back from all the people/events that WE have been GIVING our power to. Nobody/thing can make us do that. Nobody/thing can control what or how to feel. That is our decision, but if we choose the path of blame, it tells us we have no choice. Examples of self-defeating statements that come from blame:

  • (Fill in the blank) happened to me, so of course I’m going to drink my problems away.
  • (Fill in the blank) happened to my family, so of course I’m the victim of the government.
  • (Fill in the blank) happened, so there is no way I can live a happy life.
  • (Fill in the blank) happened, which is why I addicted to pills and miserable.
  • (Fill in the blank) happened, so I can’t control my eating.
  • (Fill in the blank) happened, so I can’t look at myself in the mirror.

I’m drawn to survivor stories from traumatic events. I’ve read a couple books on the Holocaust, and what I saw in them was the people who survived and thrived after the horrible circumstances found meaning in the madness. They didn’t finish their lives as victims. They finished as champions of hope, mentors, and heroes. This isn’t about how the world saw them, it’s about what they perpetuated out from the inside. They surpassed the state of victim internally. They actually found their inner purpose during their darkest times. That is what kept their light inside ignited to walk out of the tunnel. That is what attracts millions of people to read their stories.

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Viktor Frankl is the the Holocaust survivor who wrote the book  MAN’S SEARCH FOR MEANING. Elie Wiesel wrote the book NIGHT

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Blame is one of those sharp rocks in our foundation that like to poke people as they try to get too close to the truth. When we don’t like ourselves we are more likely to blame others for our feelings and actions. During my teenage years was when my mom first said to me, “I can’t make you feel anything.” I thought of course she can, and so can everyone else. They can make me sad, mad, and happy. I had no idea that by making other’s responsible for my thoughts, feelings, actions and/or reactions I was giving my power away. The one part of my life that I am 100% responsible for taking care of is within me. Just because I was introduced to this concept when I was thirteen doesn’t mean I was ready to embrace it. It did what it was supposed to do; a healthy seed was planted amongst the toxic muck.

Just for Today

Be aware of how you are living in each moment. What happens to your thoughts when you are stuck in traffic? What happens to your thoughts if you are blaming your pain for your misery? What happens to you if you are blaming your partner for not living up to your expectations of him/her? What happens to you when you are blaming your kids for not doing what they were told? Keep investigating where your mind goes and figuring out what truth that the blame is concealing.  What perception of truth is making you suffer?

Read today’s  90-Day A Better Me Letters Series: Day 17 – Seeing the Truth Behind the Blame (click on the Series to take you to the link) to help you open your mind to seeing opportunities from releasing the blame.

With Love and Gratitude,

 

Rachael Wolff ©2019

 

 

For those of you ready to take the next step and do the everyday work it takes to get out of these self-defeating patterns, click the link below!

35-DAY A BETTER ME BOOT CAMP

 

How Researching Narcissistic Personality Disorder Opened My Eyes

I was once asked to write a piece on Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) by another website. My stomach instantly got tied up in knots. A numbing feeling permeated through me. I didn’t promise, but I figured I would try. I didn’t know what the research on the topic would bring to the surface; too close to home. I read article after article trying to figure out how to write a piece that would be different from what was already out there.

I used the research library from the college I attended and read countless peer-reviewed literature and research. When I would sit down to write; nothing flowed. This is not like me. Usually by the time I have done this amount of research, the words fly out onto the computer.

At one point, I decided to approach the NPD with a compassionate eye. Truthfully, the disorder completely sucks! All the people around a person with this disorder pay a steep price. The sad part, we have no idea how calculated it all is when we are in it. The really sad part is if people don’t get a lot, and I mean a lot, of help after being abused by someone with this disorder, it can lead to so many psychological long-term psychoses. Not all people with NPD are abusers, but the ones that are do more damage than any layman could ever understand.img_2901

If the person with NPD has a genuine intent not to hurt a person and does the work to fight the internal urges, it is possible they will have areas of trouble, but they won’t abuse. Others will go so far into it, then actually brag about their accomplishment to their next partner, yet the ex is not off the hook. No, an abuser with NPD will try to get the ex’s involved in triangles with the current love interest. The outreach is not genuine, it is about power and control.

As more and more information about NPD and NPD abusers kept coming in, I realized that I couldn’t write the kind of piece that one of these bigger established websites would want. I couldn’t five or ten step this one away. This one is too complex for that. The research alone stirred something very uncomfortable inside of me. The verbal, emotional, and psychological abuse that this disorder exhibits is the scariest I’ve ever seen. It defies all my thoughts about people and their ability to be better.

I’m not saying there are not people who make this work for them in a productive way without hurting anyone. My focus is on the ones who do; the ones that decide that they like the feeling of power over someone else. This is about the NPD abusers that keep people hostage. They strip them down until the person doesn’t even recognize what is going on anymore. Men and women can be played with in ways that an average human never could have thought of. The psychological scars can be and most times are long term. A fear lies right under the surface waiting to be ignited.

Even as self-aware as I am, I still get caught up in the anxiety and fear sometimes, but it is less and less as I work on bettering myself and my self-worth. I know what is happening now, so I can face it. I don’t do this alone. I have a team of people that help me to face truth about being faced with this kind of abuse. NPD abusers stop at nothing and they don’t care who they hurt in order to get to their targets. There are a lot of signs, but NPD abusers are very good at their game. They often fool talk therapists and others to believe their games. Here is a list of red flags that you could be dealing with an abusive person with NPD or worse. A person having one or a few might not be one. A Malignant narcissist has all of them:

  • Like the game of turning people against each other
  • Say phrases similar too: “You won’t believe what she/he did to me”, “My ex is psycho”, and “You’re the only one who can…”
  • Puts people on pedestals then enjoys tearing them down
  • Romantic partners/victims have to walk on egg shells in the relationship
  • Constantly caught in lies, but defends them to the end
  • Blames everyone and everything other than themselves (No personal responsibility)
  • Goes from being full of love to emotionally and verbally abusive
  • Brags about how they have hurt others.
  • Feels superior to others
  • Keeps their ex-girlfriends/boyfriends around and makes triangles with current romantic victim
  • They go into a relationship strong and needs instant reciprocation
  • Doesn’t like to be interrupted but will interrupt constantly
  • The world revolves around them
  • They use people around them as a means to an end
  • Expresses great interest in accomplishments then tears them down
  • Uses people’s insecurities against them
  • Their ex-partners were always the crazy ones
  • Competes with everyone all the time and is a sore loser
  • Lots of promises and little follow through
  • SOOOOO much manipulation and lies

Here’s the worst part about Narcissistic abuse, the victim gets sucked into this tornado and it is very hard to get out. People around them will have no idea why they are staying and they have no idea why they can’t leave, but there are so many psychological components going on inside that keep the person hostage in the relationship. Plus, they are getting threats of being destroyed. Some Abusers will even start a fight then video tape the victim reacting to the abuse and sell it as they were the ones being abused. It is all just a giant game to win in their sick minds. Victims are told how different they were, and how they are the only ones who could help abuser be the person they want to be (can I puke now?). I know how real it feels because I’ve been there. Even with all the research I’ve done on the subject, I am still wounded. I still am traumatized by the memories and fight for control of my life.

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I’m reading a book now called, Power: Surviving and Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse by Shahida Arabi (click here for book info). All the research I’ve done in the past is finally getting put together. All the mixed feelings I’ve had over the years are making sense now. I had no idea I was using many of the tools to get out of the relationship without looking back. I couldn’t see before how all my hard work on building myself back up has taken me through countless obstacles with the abuser. I highly recommend this book to anyone who thinks they were or are victim of narcissistic abuse or loves someone who is being abused. The great thing about this book is it is available in audiobook that you can listen to on a phone or tablet. I remember having to hide everything good I did for myself or it would be thrown in my face. He would even say I was being brainwashed. I say, yes, my brain needed washing. NPD is thrown around pretty heavily now days. The information out there can be confusing, believe me, I know. Some articles out there aren’t written by people who understand the whole picture. They may know a piece of the puzzle, but unless you truly invest the time in reading books by professionals and doing true research, you still won’t fully understand what happens during the abusive process and the after affects.

Narcissistic abusers will do their best to get people on their side. Don’t do it! They will use anyone on their path to hurt their intended victim. Sometimes we unknowingly become apart of the abuse cycle by engaging the abuser. The best professional advice given to people who have suffered this kind of the abuse is no contact or as little as possible.

This piece doesn’t even scratch the surface of what it is like for the victim and how incredibly calculated the abuser is during the courtship and afterwards. If you want to see the whole picture, read the book listed above. I will warn you if you are being or have been abused by someone with NPD, you will be baffled at how calculated these games are. The fact that a book would say exact quotes and tell exact stories says more than I could possibly ever imagined possible. If you are a friend or family member reading the book, whether you know the victim or the abuser, it will be eye opening and help you reach a better understanding of what it’s like to live under these circumstances. Hopefully it will help victims not feel so alone, and help outsiders to be more compassionate and less judgmental to the person staying in this abusive relationship.

To the victims: There is a lot of help out there. It is possible to lead an amazing life even after being verbally, emotionally, psychologically, and sometimes physically abused like this. I learned a lot from my experiences and I got the help I needed to lead a life I love. This doesn’t have to take you down.

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From A Loving Place,

Rachael Wolff