90-Day A Better Me Series: Day 13 – The Sharp Edges of Blame

Part I: A Journey of Awareness

What Holds Us Back: The Unstable Foundation

Day 13: The Sharp Edges of Blame

“Discontent, blaming, complaining, self-pity cannot serve as a foundation for a good future, no matter how much effort you make.”

-Eckhart Tolle

The sharp edges of blame are ready to cut at any time. No good solution comes from the negative energy of blame. When we are stuck in blame we are stuck in the problem. Even if the party we consider guilty tries to fix things we are ready to criticize that too. We choose not to work with them to come up with solutions or if we do there is an underlying resentment about it. How does this help find better solutions that are in the best interest of all parties involved? It keeps us separated.

Us against them starts wars. It doesn’t create peace, compassion, and understanding. Even if we carry an us against them mentality in our heads we are ready for war at any time. This could be a war with ourselves, partners, family, friends, and/or perfect strangers. We are just ready for the fight, and we brought something that will hurt.

We are responsible for the rewards and consequences of our actions. Everyone makes mistakes, but if we stay in the energy of blame it creates more problems, not less. If people chosen to commit a crime or they have violated us in some sort of way, they are responsible for the consequence of their choices and actions. I choose to believe in the Law of Karma, which says whatever you put out, you get back. This makes it possible for me not to attach to their negative energy by continually focusing on what they did. It gives me permission to learn and grow from the experience and it helps me find solutions to how I can help myself recover from the effects of that action so that I don’t take that energy out on someone else. Having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (P.T.S.D.), I know I can carry the darkness of that energy deep inside me and can get triggered by a random act that reminds me of the events gave me the P.S.T.D. in the first place. It is important for my health and well-being to deal and face each part of me that is still attached to that event.

I could easily stay in the blaming energy every time I have an episode, which keeps me stuck there. If I’m stuck there, I carry that blame around like a sharp blade ready to cut anybody who crosses me. I’m ready and waiting for the next time someone tries to make me a victim. I’ve been there and done that. It doesn’t feel good and it definitely didn’t do anything to help me attract the life I wanted to be living. I actually kept attracting people and situations that gave me more to point my finger at. My health also reflected the choice I made to stay in that energy. I had all kinds of internal issues going on.

Since taking on the different approach, which didn’t happen overnight, the episodes of P.T.S.D. happened less and less. They’re not as intense as they used to be, and they pass SO much faster. I’m more in control now. When an episode does happen, I’m able to learn from the experience. Healthy people and situations keep coming up in my life to help me work through whatever piece of myself I’m working on. The energy I’m putting out isn’t separating me from people, so it makes it possible for solutions to present themselves. Karma is great when what we are putting out is loving, empathetic, and compassionate energy. If you question that, tomorrow’s reading might help you dig into that a little deeper.

Be aware of where you are pointing fingers? How does that us against them or me against you energy feel in your body? If it doesn’t FEEL good, it’s not healthy for your body to be stuck in that energy. That energy is what tears foundations apart. The sharp edges make it impossible to be stable. People feel that energy coming off us whether they know it or not and we walk on eggshells trying not to get cut by it, or we keep our distance in full awareness that it’s an energy that we don’t want to be around.

Since most of my readers come from Facebook, I will give an example of how we can test where we are in our heads when it comes to the blame cycle. As we scroll down Facebook and we see posts blaming one thing or another, how does it make you feel? If it is igniting a belief in you, does it fire you up with energy that makes you angry and ready to attack? If you are against what they are talking about, does it fire you up with energy that makes you angry and ready to get on the defense? WAR, WAR, WAR! Our need to be right and make others wrong is a call for war, which can be internal or external. Even if we don’t speak a harsh word, our internal war will take a toll on our nervous system, digestive tracts, brain function, oxygen flow, just to name a few. When we are in war mode, we actually hold our breaths. We disturb the flow of our bodies by attaching to someone else’s perceived truth in a negative way.

I’m NOT innocent of letting this happen to me. I have to remember to take deep breaths, exhale all the way, and sometimes that will be all I need. If the me vs. them goes deeper, I might physically have to release the energy from my body. When I’m in a healthier place, I write it out in a letter and I burn it. I say a prayer to help me release the energy that is holding me captive to this energy. Some people will yell and hit punching bags, pillows, or use other ways to release the violent energy we feel in the body. Even jumping on trampolines can be a physical release.  When I’m not feeling as healthy, my thoughts, beliefs, and feelings about the person or idea will come out to a trusted friend. Then, I process it out loud. Most times seeing where I have let myself attach to negative energy. Walking in nature really helps me to release deeper triggers. When I’m clear, I start hearing the messages that restore my body’s flow. I do my best to remember to write those down, so I remember how to move myself out of the energy in the most efficient way possible the next time I feel a negative emotional trigger come up.

We have to take responsibility for the foundations that we are building our houses (lives) on. If we don’t want to live on unstable ground, we have to do the work to fix the foundation to make it a stable place to build on. Tomorrow, we will dig deeper into self-blame, because it is very easy to shift from not blaming others to blaming ourselves. We don’t get away from the negative energy by doing this, we only take it to a more self destructive level.

Just for Today

Test where you are with the blame cycle. Just observe, don’t judge it or try to change it. Just watch it. If we try to change it before we are ready, we won’t get to see it clearly first. We want to see it in all it’s depths. This will help you not to have to repeat the lessons that it is there to teach us about our choices. Try to stay as present as you can with how the blaming is making you feel. Even try to pinpoint what part of your body you feel it in. The more aware we can be in how we react to what we hear, see, feel, and experience will give us openings to see what beliefs are keeping us from living the life we really want.

With Love and Gratitude,

 

Rachael Wolff ©2019

 

If you are ready to dive into the work to create the life you want to be living, scroll down and enter your e-mail to follow this 90-Day A Better Me Series.

 

Don’t forget read today’s companion series 90-Day A Better Me Letters Series letter of the day. 90-Day A Better Me Letters Series: Day 13 – Becoming Aware of How Blaming Affects My Life

 

Enjoy the journey and thank you for reading From A Loving Place!

The World is Full of Good People: Focusing Our Energy On What We Want

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My daily routine includes scrolling my Facebook feeds of pages I’ve liked. All of these pages are there to surround me with the good energy I want in my life. I love seeing similar messages from different pages that inspire love, positive action, and moving people away from victim thinking. Every once in awhile, I will see messages that promote good people are hard to find… WHAT??!!! No, great people are easy to find if our energy is in the right place. If we appreciate the amazing people around us, more will continue to show up. If we tell the Universe that there are no good people, then we will be constantly seeking out the sick, unhealthy people to prove our point. We have to decide if we want the good people in our lives and acknowledge and appreciate that we have them. From the tellers at the bank, cashiers at check out, friends who reach out, we are responsible for recognizing them. If we are focused on the negative we will continue to get that check-out person who is more insulting than helpful.

This is the same for relationships, if we tell ourselves, there are no good men/ women, we will continue to put our energy into knocking people down, and attracting people to our lives that prove the point we sent out to the Universe. Keep the messages that you send out to the Universe clean. Embrace the feeling that the messages you send out are true. They will be, you choose if it is for your benefit or detriment. This is the Law of Attraction.

If we want better for our lives, we have to change the language we are putting out there. Every moment we spend knocking others down, we are taking time away from our own joy. Search out the good people in the world, put your energy there. They are not hard to find. Some sites are dedicated to showing people in their best lights. When we are ready to see the kindness in the world, it will start appearing all around us.

Most import, be kind to yourself, because you will have a harder time spotting it in the world if you are constantly knocking yourself down. You are worth more than that!!

With Love and Gratitude,

Rachael Wolff

 

How I Grew From My Toxic Relationships

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If you are reading this, you probably either have been involved in or had a front row seat to watch someone else’s toxic relationship unfold. I have had the privilege of experiencing both, and yes I meant privilege. My toxic relationships are what got me healthy. It was like a boot camp for emotional/mental health. Does it work that way for all people? No, but it works that way for the people who ask to be better, stronger, braver, and more compassionate. Toxic relationships show us our darkest shadows and our biggest attributes. When we take the relationship by the reigns and start seeing it as an opportunity to look at ourselves, we come out shining!

(If you are involved in a physically abusive relationship, PLEASE consult with a professional who specializes in domestic violence. There are safety precautions that may be necessary. When we start getting healthier, an abuser can get more violent in the transition. Sick people like to keep us sick. They will do their best to keep us down. PLEASE, first and foremost always keep yourself safe. This doesn’t mean stay, it just means you have to use more caution.)

Awareness is Key

First, we must see our part in our unhealthy relationship. This wasn’t easy for me. There were many realities I avoided facing when I was involved in these relationships. I wish I could say that it only took one bad relationship to figure out my stuff, but I will just say, even in a healthy relationship, I still get faced with some of the darker sides of me. The difference is awareness and using healthy tools to not let darkness cast a shadow on my joy. Here is what I picked up along the way:

1. Law of Attraction is always at play

If we are in a toxic relationship, we attracted it to us. The question is why? My self-worth was part of that answer for me. I had no idea how cruel I was to myself. Over time, I  learned I could only accept the amount of abuse that I gave to myself. If it went over the cruelty of how I treated myself, I would leave. When I realized I attracted the relationships,  I saw that they acted as a mirror of how I was treating myself. I had to start to dig deep to figure out what it was that I didn’t like about myself. I will tell you, it wasn’t pretty. There was a lot of tears and layers of shame and guilt that went all the way back to childhood. OUCH! I didn’t realize how much I avoided looking at myself until I learned from a college professor that we are as sick as our partners. It may present differently, but if we are in the relationship we are responsible for our part of the sickness.

Another big piece of my attraction to these chaotic relationships  was codependency. I was attracting unhealthy partners because I needed to be assigned a savior role…YIKES! I don’t like admitting it, but I wanted to rescue someone from the trenches. Really, anything to avoid looking at what was holding me back.

After facing the darkest parts of me, I had to figure out what I did want in a relationship, so I made a VERY long list. I kept it positive and used language such as, I want someone who lives a healthy lifestyle. Instead of saying, I don’t want a smoker. I learned the hard way that when we focus on the don’t, we get it! If I love and respect myself, I will attract the same qualities in a partner.

2. If I’m reacting, I’m triggered

If I am engaging in the very behavior I’m condoning, I’m just as much at fault for the results. Here’s a lesson I needed to learn, there doesn’t have to be a screaming match. When two people are screaming at each other no one gets heard. We are not listening, we are fighting to be right.

When I’m hurt by my partner’s behavior, it’s usually because of some unhealed part of me from the past. I may be reacting to their defense mechanisms that were familiar to me from a previous relationship. I might be reacting to my old defense mechanisms. What I realized is that even just a silly word can throw everything off. The word may not even have the same meaning for the person in front of me, yet because I’m reacting to an unhealed hurt, I react out of fear.

3. I Can’t Hide from My Insecurities

We can’t hide from our insecurities. They will find us!! We need to deal with them instead of covering them up or masking them. All we will do is create problems that don’t need to be there. If we have jealousy issues, it is our job to look at ourselves before taking them out on our partners. If I don’t trust my partner to be loyal, I obviously have trust issues. Is  it because I chose a man who is not ready to commit? Have I lied to myself about how ready I am to be in this relationship? The truth is, when we are healthy we realize we don’t HAVE to trust the person we are with, we have to trust ourselves. We NEED to trust our intuition, guts, and instincts. When we are healthy, we are not carrying around all the hurts of our past. We aren’t held hostage by old relationships. When we are loyal to ourselves, we attract loyal people.

Any relationship, toxic or not is a great place to see where our insecurities are holding us back. My thoughts about my relationships show me so much about how my own internal dialog is getting in my way. As I get healthier, I have watched the dialog change. I have learned more efficient ways of communicating without taking my insecurities out on my partner.

4. If I Don’t Love Myself, I Won’t Attract A Healthy Partner

How can we recognize something we don’t know at our own core? My toxic relationships really pointed out how much I didn’t know about what love is. I would make excuses for abuse. I held onto empty words and promises. I allowed them to be disrespectful to me in private and in public, yet I would defend their love for me, or what I thought was love. The truth is, until I learned to love myself, I didn’t know what peace was. I had no idea how much I perpetuated my self-hate by the relationships I was choosing.

5. Giving Too Much is NOT Healthy

When I give to others to the point where I’m not taking care of myself, I’m not acting in a healthy manner. Self-care is essential. When I became resentful of what I was contributing to the relationship, because they weren’t giving back, I was putting their needs before mine. Not only does the law of attraction always work for me, but it always works for them too. If my partner wants someone who will take care of them and put them first. They put that out there. Maybe that is what they are used to, it may be what their mom did for them. The vicious cycle continues and we are now the caretaker they attracted. I attracted them, because I wanted to feel needed.

Now, I realize that my self-care is important. If I’m giving too much, I stop taking it out on my partner and I start putting the attention I was putting into them into taking care of myself. This can be hard getting used to, but I can tell you it makes for much healthier relationships. We both get the best of me, and I am able to receive and recognize the best in return.

6. I’m Responsible for My Happiness or Unhappiness

No other person can control my feelings. I choose how I feel. I choose the actions that lead me to feeling better our worse. I choose to perceive situations that feed the direction I’m subconsciously or consciously going. Learning that I’m not responsible for other people’s thoughts and feelings helps me continue to grow. My job is to do the best I can at whatever I’m investing my time in. If that is not enough for someone, then maybe we are not the right fit. I need to hold myself accountable for what energy I’m putting into a relationship. If I don’t want a toxic relationship, I can’t put out toxic energy. I need to watch where I’m focusing my thoughts and feelings. Am I getting caught up in other people’s drama? Am I watching television that makes me feel anxious and angry all the time? Can I see more solutions or more problems?

After figuring those things out, I need to figure out what actions I need to take in order to engage in a more loving energy. Do I need to volunteer my time to a cause? Do I need to spend more quality time with loved ones? Do I need to invest more time and effort into self-care?

Overall, I grew by understand that I had to change in order to change the relationship. Leaving toxic relationships behind was a true achievement for me. They taught me SO much and made me the loving person I am today. I’m grateful for the lessons and the awareness. Life is now what I hoped it would be. Even my darkest days have light, because I know I’m growing stronger, braver, and more loving with each passing day.

With Love and Gratitude,

Rachael Wolff

 

If you liked this piece, check out the rest of my work by exploring my past work. You can also choose to follow this blog via e-mail. Just keep scrolling down. Whatever you choose, I hope you are working your way to a better tomorrow.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Don’t Let Your Thinking Get in Your Way

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What messages are you feeding yourself? We create our realities by repeating the stories over and over. From that, our actions do what are brains say we need to. When make statements that limit us, we convince ourselves they are true and we act accordingly.

Relationships are Hard Work

When I define a healthy relationship, I don’t think of it being hard or work. I see it as an opportunity to grow. We learn so much from other people and intimate partners offer us one of the best views to see ourselves.When we see our partner for the person they are,  let them be that person, and love them without limitation, we are open to see ourselves clearly. When we are so focused on the other person, we avoid looking at ourselves and being true to who we are. Now that is hard work building walls and creating diversions in order not to look at ourselves.  The lessons are in our hands and we will stay in a relationship, healthy or unhealthy until we get the lesson we are meant to get. Relationships don’t have to be hard work. That is up to us. How true are these statements? A better question is how true have we made these statements?

I Have to Work Hard to be a Success

Really? Do we have to work hard or smart? The people who work smart tend to have a life and career. The people who work hard, tend to sacrifice their life for their careers and create an abundant amount of workaholics. Time management is essential to a healthy balanced life, but that is not about working hard. We need to work smart to be successful. We have to know how to take care of ourselves, relationships, and careers. When we hyper-focus on any one, the others get neglected. Finding smart habits and routines helps to keep us open and creative. When I think of working hard, I think of a one track mind. If we convince ourselves it will be hard, then what other choice do we have than to believe it?

I Have to Sacrifice my Happiness to…

This one hurts to say on so many levels. I have a hard time hearing these statements. When we believe we have to sacrifice our own happiness for children, career, family, friends, relationships, spiritual practices, etc. We are missing the point. We can only give what we have inside. If we are not emanating love, happiness, compassion, and joy, we are not helping anyone. Our unhappiness within us comes out sideways to our partners, children, families, co-workers, and anyone else we come in contact with. It trickles down all the way to the check-out person at the grocery store. Did you notice everyone you dealt with today as a person? Did you say hello? Did you smile? When we we sacrifice our happiness we are not contributing to a better world. We can’t make a better world if we don’t live in one from within.

Life is a Struggle

Is this really what we want to create for ourselves. I used to use this phrase and looking back it was exactly what I created. I convinced myself everything was a struggle and that is what I kept seeing. That is where my focus was. I missed so many opportunities because they didn’t contribute to my struggle. I was convinced I had to learn things the hard way. Wow, did that set me up for some hard hitting lessons. I finally broke free from believing what I was telling myself and gave myself some better options, like life is a classroom, I will learn what I need to learn in order to grow. The lessons still come, but I don’t have to struggle through them like I did before.

Nothing Comes Easy

I like to think of the Universe giving me what I ask for, so if I say, “Nothing comes easy”, I imagine the Universe saying, “OK, you got it.” By changing my thinking I have had a lot of opportunities come my way with no effort and no struggle at all. If I start telling myself, “Nothing comes easy” I will actively and subconsciously try to search out ways that this statement is true. My actions will be driven by the internal search for ways that prove the statement.

I have become very careful statements I put out there. The amazing thing is when we start BELIEVING in new messages, doors start opening in ways that they never were able to before. I didn’t realize that my messages to myself were what was keeping the doors locked.

Become aware of the messages that are playing in your head. If they are not helpful, find new ones that align with the life you want to be living. Focus on making the positive statements you say to yourself true. Your actions will follow, and your amazing life will begin unfolding before your eyes.

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To all my current followers, thank you so much for your continued support. I appreciate each one of you! Thanks for spreading the love.

With Love and Gratitude,

Rachael Wolff