90-Day A Better Me Letters Series: Day 78 – I’m Triggered! Using Self-Reflection to Heal My Energy

Letters from A Better Me

90-Day A Better Me Letters Series

Part III: Living the Journey

Making the Now Count: Rebuilding our Lives

Day 78: I’m triggered! Using Self-Reflection to Heal My Energy

Dear Self,

I had an exchange with a woman where I felt completely triggered. I felt attacked and like the person was saying that my perspective was wrong and unhealthy. Now, this person doesn’t live the kind of life that I want to be living, so why am I taking what she said personally. That’s her perspective according to how she chooses to live her life. If I REALLY could fully embrace that, I wouldn’t be having a reaction right now. I wouldn’t choose to feel victimized by her words. I really need to go deeper to figure out what this exchange has triggered in me.

Maybe the part in me that isn’t fully healed from being a people pleaser—I wanted her to agree, like, and respect me and she doesn’t. It also may be that she reminds me of my childhood when I was talked down to like I didn’t know what I was talking about and that my view was treated with disrespect. I remember feeling small and inferior during those times. I felt unheard and unimportant. I felt unworthy. Ok, this definitely doesn’t have anything to do with the woman I was just interacting with because her opinion of me is encompassed by her own darkness. I’m really okay with her not agreeing with me.

Now that I know I’m not dealing with this woman’s opinion being the problem, I can dig deeper to the parts of me that are still working through feeling unworthy. The perspectives of truth I’m choosing to believe are making me feel weak and inferior. I’m not that little girl anymore. I’m a woman of strength, courage, love, and hope. The way I’m feeling in this moment isn’t reflecting the beliefs I live by now. My perspectives of truth bring my life peace and joy. I don’t see any reason to continue to believe that I’m a victim of other people’s opinions. I know my worth! I don’t need anyone else to know it.

Ok, I’m feeling a little calmer, but I’m still not sure I can 100% promise that I’m going to be able to communicate with this woman from a loving place, so I will sit, meditate, pray, and remain silent until I feel that my communication will be worthy of the energy I want to project out into the world. I definitely don’t want someone’s darkness to affect my light. If I’m meant to have another exchange with her, I trust that the opportunity will arise.

I just need to keep in mind what it is I stand for. I need to focus on how best to communicate without taking on the energy of people who are out there showing their darkness. The question I need to ask myself is… How do I shine my light here? If I feel clear about the answer, if the answer brings me peace, I know I’m in a healthy place.People can only trigger me if I let them. I only let them if I’m facing some darkness within me. When I’m honest with myself—I get better! My energy now is aligned with the energy I want to project out into the world.

Today I’m Grateful

  1. I’m grateful I ALWAYS have a choice in how I view a situation.
  2. I’m grateful for the power of self-reflection to get me out of my own dark energy.
  3. I’m grateful for other people giving me the chance to learn more about myself.
  4. I’m grateful that I’ve learned how to love myself, so that I know my worth.
  5. I’m SO grateful for my ability to change and be better.

 

With Love and Gratitude,

 

A Better Me

 

Rachael Wolff ©2019

Need more inspiration? Read 90-Day A Better Me Series: Day 78 – Using Self-Reflection When We Are Triggered

Interpretations from a Recovering People Pleaser

“Go and love someone exactly as they are. And then watch how quickly they transform into the greatest, truest, version of themselves. When one feels seen and appreciated in their own essence, one is instantly empowered.

-Wes Angelozzi

During a morning scroll of Facebook, I saw this quote on my friend’s feed. I could hear myself saying, “YES, YES, YES!!” Yet, I realized I wasn’t reading it how it was being stated. My perception changed the words as they were interpreted in my head. I’m a recovering people pleaser. As I thought about the statement, I thought about a boot camp I just ran. Seeing the words made me think of women doing the boot camp and their transformations in the 35 days they’ve been with me. I saw one HUGE difference: I’m guiding them to love themselves exactly as they are.

When I thought about Angelozzi’s quote above, I realized how much I’ve changed in the last decade. I used to work so hard to see and accept people exactly as they were, then I would wonder why me seeing them didn’t empower them. Then the rescuer/people pleaser me would sweep in and try to rescue these weary souls…LOL. I didn’t realize at the time that focusing on other people was keeping me from really going deep into my own shit. I kept attracting so much drama to my life just so I didn’t have to look inward. Little did I know at the time, if I just shifted the perspective of Angelozzi’s words to say, go and love myself exactly as I am… that’s where the miracles and transformation really took place. I used to want the credit for helping someone be a better version of him/herself. That was my lack of worth. At the time, I was trying to fix others to gain self-worth, thinking self-worth came from outside of myself.  I needed to feel valued by someone else’s perception of me.

I couldn’t see, love, and appreciate another person being exactly who they were until I cleaned up my insides first. The reason is we attract what we project out. If we have it inside us, we will manifest into our reality. I wasn’t attracting people I liked or respected, because I didn’t like or respect myself. When I started taking the steps to take care of me, all these amazing people started showing up in my life. Little by little all the ones who didn’t fit into my new shift shifted out. Some went quietly and one or two may try to stir things up every now and then. The difference is now, I do see and accept them exactly how they are and I CHOOSE to stay empowered and stay away.

On the other hand, when I look at this quote now in the space I’m in today—I see it differently. I think of my romantic partner and all my friends. I smile with awe and gratitude knowing each of us loves and accepts each other exactly how we are. When I got better, my circle got bigger and better. This didn’t mean I got all new friends. I have a handful of friends since childhood. I just learned to see them clearly and because I love and respect myself, it doesn’t take any work to do it. I can spot and appreciate other people’s unique gifts because I can appreciate my own. I don’t put my shit on them. Well, I try not to. If I do, I quickly clean it up (LOL). I recognize if I’m feeling insecure, fearful, guilty, etc. and own it.  I know if their reactions towards me are off-putting it’s because of something inside them or a reaction I’m having to something in my past. I only know that by knowing myself. I don’t have to take them personally—It’s a choice.

Learning that we are responsible for how we feel, react, and act on different situations is our power. When we know ourselves, we don’t give that power away by blaming others. We start asking ourselves questions and see what we need to do to feel better about the situation. We don’t expect others to do what we won’t do for ourselves. We truly become better versions of ourselves, and the people who are attracted to our lives can seeit.

I used to spend so much time trying to please other people. I couldn’t see myself at all. I didn’t know what I liked to do, what I liked to eat, or what was my favorite way to spend my alone time. I would change and shift with every relationship I entered. I couldn’t see them because I couldn’t see me. They couldn’t appreciate and see me because I didn’t even know who I was. I was who I THOUGHT they wanted me to be. I attracted people who didn’t know who they were either. Some would be in the same boat as me, some would try to fix me, and others would let me just take over the reigns on their life for a while because they didn’t want to deal with it. We all won or lost depending on how you look at it.  None of us had to look at ourselves if we were so busy in each other’s lives.

Seeing this quote with appreciation of where I am now to where I was then, I realize that I’m empowered by seeing my “own essence”. It’s not that someone else’s view of me transforms me. I had to transform myself. When I did that, I attracted people to my life that would encourage and inspire me to be the best version of myself. They weren’t the rescuers telling me how I needed to be living my life.

This shift has changed things for me in my professional life too. Now, when people are attracted to what I do, it’s because they have a light inside them. If I’m meant to help guide them it becomes clear, but they do the work. They do the transformation. I just assist, encourage, and inspire them to see the amazing person looking back at them in the mirror. Then, I watch them transform and it inspires and empowers me to keep doing what I do. I can’t take credit for their transformation, I’m just blessed enough to go on the journey as people begin to see the best version of themselves. And for that, my life is truly blessed.

I know others will interpret the quote above differently. I don’t take offense to different interpretations. They aren’t looking at it through my unique goggles. I don’t have an attitude of I’m right and someone else is wrong. I don’t have to be offended if someone does or doesn’t like my views. I’m not living their life and they are not living mine. I know my views change and shift over time through my own experiences. I simply find what FEELS right for me. At one point, the people pleaser in me would be scared to share this post because of how someone else might interpret my words. Even though I see this quote differently than it may be written, I appreciate it because it really helped me see what feels right to me. I appreciate the power in someone seeing and accepting a person for who they are. I know that feeling of empowerment that comes from accepting and loving being in my own skin. Of course that is what I want for someone else.

 

With Love and Gratitude,

Rachael Wolff © 2018

People Pleaser Be Gone: Time to Take Care of Me

For way too long I have agonized about the right thing to do based on the comforts of other people. I gave into the “Don’t rock the boat” mentality. I made choices based on other people’s ideas of what my life SHOULD look like and how I SHOULD respond and how I SHOULD hold back the truth, so that I don’t make someone else feel bad.

I’ve put myself in risky situations, put up with abuse, and stuck around places and people way too long to please others. I didn’t want to lose people in my life, so I quietly stewed and raged in my head destroying my inner being. I let situations and people consume my thoughts and bring out the worst in my inner nature. I’m aware now. I’ve realized in the last 40 plus years that life is too short.

I can’t keep living for the satisfaction of other people. I can’t worry about what other people think about me and/or my choices. I love my life, I’ve found happiness and love within all my relationships and most of all for myself. I know my purpose is to share my experiences to help others and to empower women and men to be the best versions of themselves. I have to stop worrying about other people’s opinion of me and share what is in my heart. Some people will never understand and that’s ok. As my mom always says, “It’s none of your business what people think about you.”

This doesn’t mean I will be intentionally hurtful. I will speak my truth when I’m clear what that is. People are going to think what they are going to think. Everyone’s reality is based on the thoughts, feelings and beliefs they have let lead their lives. I have changed many of my old patterns throughout my life and I’m in a much better place for it. I find that people come to me when they are ready for it, because quite honestly, I can be pretty intense about the importance of self-care. I take the perspective that everything happens for a reason, so let’s find the lesson so we can move past the uncomfortable stuff. I don’t support turning to addictions to solve problems and I do my best to limit pity parties for myself. I have the tools now to recognize the lesson, find solutions, and I work towards the best parts of me a lot faster now.

IMG_0158

When I’m at my best, I’m in a much clearer place to be of service to others. My mind doesn’t become overcome with what to say, what I should have said, I can’t believe he or she did…(fill in the blank). The conversations that go on in my head when I’m not being true to me are INSANE!! I can leave a conversation with someone I love and care about because my mind was in a toxic conversation with people who aren’t even there. I have missed whole entire conversations from being in that dark place. I don’t want to miss another moment with the people I love because my head is with a situation or person who is not even there. I don’t want to miss a laugh with friends because I didn’t speak my truth when I was present with the person or situation I’m struggling with.

I’m done stewing and raging that gets me nowhere. I’ve replaced it with praying and saying what is on my mind in the most loving way possible. I’ve started praying through anger and hurt so they don’t get their grip on my life. I’ve started doing what is right for my mental and physical health. The best part of that is I feel great, and I had a weight plateau I kept hitting without being able to get past. When I started to truly take my voice back and released myself from unhealthy situations, my weight started coming off again. I took care of myself, so my body took care of me. When I take care of myself, I’m available to be compassionate and caring to the people I love and the strangers who may need a little encouragement. For example, just today in Target I took notice of the fatigued customer service agent who I could tell wasn’t seeing the best sides of people. I struck up a conversation and got her laughing and smiling. She was able to enter the next exchange with a smile on her face. The interaction felt great for us both, and the energy could be passed on. Now, if I were still passing toxic or unhealthy thoughts around in my head, I wouldn’t have even seen the pain in her eyes. I would have just gone through the purchase in autopilot.

Now, does this mean I’m not going to slip and fall back into my people pleasing ways. Unfortunately not, I was marinated in the womb in people pleasing. To stop, will take time, patience, and a whole lot of conscious moments. I will keep moving toward my goal of people pleaser be gone, time to take care of me.

With Love and Gratitude,

Rachael Wolff ©2017

If you like what you read, you can follow me on this site and get e-mail updates when new pieces are published and you can like and follow:

From A Loving Place on Facebook (click here to learn more)

And

Letters From A Better Me (click here to learn more)