90-Day A Better Me Series: Day 82 – Implementing Healthy Boundaries in Dark Situations

90-Day A Better Me Series

Part III: Living the Journey

Making the Now Count: Rebuilding our Lives

Day 82: Implementing Healthy Boundaries in Dark Situations

“Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom.”

-Henry Cloud

In Part II, I introduced the topic of “Healthy Boundaries” on Day 53. If you have gone through all 81 days of this series, and done the work, implementing healthy boundaries will feel natural. If you think that there won’t be lessons that come from skipping steps—You’re wrong. We have to start with establishing healthy boundaries in our loving relationships to build our muscle to be able to handle implementing healthy boundaries with people who are stuck in their darkness. We will get lessons in seeing how far we have come with our boundaries. With time, healthy boundaries stick no matter who we are dealing with. I’ve watched time and time again people trying to skip steps and expect the results from someone who did the daily work it takes to emanate self-love into healthy boundaries—I’ve been there and done that. It’s the long road. It doesn’t work, because no matter how healthy the source you are following (psychologist, author, church, guru, life coach, school, etc.) or be mentored by, YOU CAN’T SKIP THE WORK! The work is what makes healthy boundaries possible. Otherwise we come off angry and defensive in our boundaries because they are coming from a place of fear. Healthy boundaries come from love.

Healthy boundaries only can be implemented when we are healthy. We have to be maintaining healthy internal homes. That begins with a healthy relationship with ourselves. Once we have healthy relationships with ourselves, our relationships with our spirituality flourish. Once that happens we begin projecting our purest and strongest light out into the world. Once we do that, we begin learning, growing, and expanding with the people we invite into our lives. Our inner light is what creates our natural healthy boundaries.

Our boundaries are healthy and solid if we are doing the work to maintain our homes. If we don’t keep up with the work, our homes will turn into dilapidated shacks. If we don’t feed and nourish our gardens while pulling out the weeds that threaten our plants, flowers, and trees we won’t have healthy gardens. It’s that simple but as humans we have ways of making it very complicated.

Anytime we try to find the answer in someone else having to change his or her behavior, we are literally watching a weed take over our garden. We can’t MAKE anyone feel or do anything. Each of us has the free will to do what we choose. The power is not in someone else’s hands to make us happy or bring us peace. We have to make that choice for ourselves by maintaining our internal homes and keeping our lights on.

If you are looking for a narcissist, alcoholic, drug addict, sex addict, abuser, sociopath, schizophrenic, etc. to change, STOP HOLDING YOUR BREATH! People will only change if they want to change more than they want to be in their darkness. The same goes for us. The only person you can change and are responsible to change is you. Here’s the blessing of doing this work, you stop handing your mental well-being over to unhealthy people. If a person who is trapped in their own darkness has shown up in your life, they are there for a reason.

The healthier we are the faster we will learn the lesson. One of mine took ten years for me to become aware of, accept, change my perspectives of truth, and then take action. That was my journey. It was in the learning of this lesson that my healthy boundaries started to take hold, but it was still a couple of years before I learned to stop inviting this person into my internal home. He was gone from my life, but I still let him wreak havoc in my internal home every once and while. The time periods would just become shorter and shorter until the point where I can now look back and talk about the whole decade as an AMAZING learning experience that I’m completely grateful for. For me it had to get extremely bad for me to finally see my part in the toxic relationship. Once I saw that, I began to heal. It stop mattering what he did to me, my focus turned to what I did and could do for me in order not to repeat unhealthy patterns of my past or create new ones.

You are building your healthy boundary muscles. You need to trust that if you let a person who is trapped in their darkness into your internal world, you have the opportunity to learn. Don’t beat yourself up if you slip, give in, and let your thoughts about them stir and wreak havoc in your inner world. Trust the process. What can you learn about the obsessive thoughts that are going through your mind? They are your thoughts, so you can change them, but only if you want to. Remember, it’s not about what someone did to you; it’s about what you can do for yourself to make your life better for having learned something from the darkness. The following steps are in no particular order. The more we practice using these tools, the stronger our healthy boundaries become.

10 Essentials to Implementing Healthy Boundaries in Dark Situations

  1. STAY PRESENT! Someone who is caught in their darkness will be focusing on the past and the future because that is where the stories are. Stay here and now. Only right now matters. You can only make healthy choices when you are in the healthiest of spaces and that is in the present moment. Once your head gets you lost in a story, bring yourself back to now. Take a second feel the life running through your hands. Feel your breath. Look at a focal point. Do whatever you need to do to get yourself back in the present. Otherwise slipping into the darkness becomes much easier.
  2. THEIR DARKNESS DOESN’T HAVE TO BE YOURS. You don’t have to take on anyone else’s darkness (fear, hate, rage, shame, guilt, vengefulness, etc.). Keep at the front of your mind their darkness is theirs.
  3. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOURSELF. Nobody can make you feel, think, say, or do anything. You make the choice whether to engage or not to engage, to invite them in or not invite them in, support and encourage their darkness or not encourage their darkness. You can show love and compassion or meet them in their fear—You are responsible for your choice.
  4. STAY IN YOUR LIGHT! If you support blaming, shaming, and judging you’ve chosen to be apart of their darkness and you don’t have access to healthy boundaries when you are in that space. If you stay in your light, you have a full set of healthy tools. Imagine a light-filled force field surrounding and protecting you. When dark thoughts move through you pray for more loving, compassionate, empathetic, solution-minded thoughts to come to you.
  5. STAY CALM! A person stuck in their darkness may tempt to engage you in a battle. Imagine them saying those words to themselves in the mirror. This can help calm you into not reacting to their darkness with darkness. Your rage feeds their darkness.
  6. THIS IS NOT PERSONAL. People acting from a healthy place don’t attack others. If we are being attacked it’s because someone is stuck in a story in his or her head. They may have made us the vandals and/or villains in their story, but whatever the case, if they aren’t communicating in a calm and collected way, they are stuck in a dark story that they have written. You don’t have to take it personally. People are never seeing you through your eyes. They can only look through their eyes. If they are looking through lens darkened by fear. They don’t have the ability to see your light at the moment and for some they may never see your light. You have to have light inside to see light. Like the saying goes—If you spot it, you got it.
  7. PRAY FOR HELP. If you are struggling to stay in your light when faced with someone else’s darkness—PRAY for the feelings, thoughts, words, and actions to help you stay in your light.
  8. KEEP FOCUSED ON WHAT YOU STAND FOR! Make sure your energy is focused what you stand for (light/love) not what you are against (darkness/fear). If you stand for love, compassion, joy, and peace then make sure your feelings, thoughts, perspectives of truth, words, and actions are aligned with what you stand for.
  9. BE TRUE TO YOU. If you need to remove yourself, DO IT! Go take some deep breaths, go pump yourself up with some positive self-talk, come back centered, and/or walk away if you are in your light, trust that you are making the best choices for you in the moment.
  10. TRUST WHERE YOU ARE IN THIS MOMENT. If you tell yourself you shouldn’t be here, you aren’t going to learn the lesson from the experience. It may be a absolutely brutal experience, but it is meant to be a part of your journey because you are in it here and now. Be open to learn from the moment you are having by facing someone else’s darkness. If you fight the reality of what is happening, you are succumbing to your own darkness. You are stuck in fear. If you enter into your darkness while someone is stuck in his or hers, you are feeding the darkness and giving it strength and power to spread. If you can trust the purpose of this moment, you are feeding your light. Your force field becomes stronger.

The side effect of using these tools is the miracles that come with them. The energy we project and attract makes space for AMAZING things when our energy stays focused on the light within us. Our connections and intuition strengthen and we see the world and the people in it through a completely different lens. If you are connecting to this material, you are on an light-filled path. Trust the journey.

 

With Love and Gratitude,

 

Rachael Wolff ©2019

Today’s Letter from A Better Me: 90-Day A Better Me Letters Series: Day 82 – Implementing My Healthy Boundaries in Dark Situations

 

90-Day A Better Me Series: Day 78 – Using Self-Reflection When We Are Triggered

90-Day A Better Me Series

Part III: Living the Journey

Making the Now Count: Rebuilding our Lives

Day 78: Using Self-Reflection When We Are Triggered

“Self-reflection is the school of wisdom.”

-Baltasar Gracian

One of the best tools I ever received about how to become a better me through my relationships with others was by looking at others like a mirror. If a person triggers us—There’s a connection. Sometimes we are connecting to a part of ourselves that we don’t like, haven’t accepted, and/or hasn’t healed. People are our doorways to personal growth. Sometimes the person reminds us of someone from the past who we felt hurt by and that pain hasn’t healed so we take it out on the person we are interacting with now. These unhealed parts of us are creating toxic build-up within our bodies and our energy fields. Whatever way we cut it, if we emotionally react to someone else’s behavior it is affecting energy inside of us. No one is responsible for that energy but the person looking back at us in the mirror. The people who trigger us are our teachers. We have something important to learn from the interaction, and it’s not about the person’s behavior and/or words. It’s about our reactions to their behaviors and/or words. They are the storytellers of their own stories, and that isn’t our business. Our business is what is happening inside of us and how we are projecting our energy out into the world.

Once we are clear with what is going on inside of us, it makes it possible to have healthy communications with others. Even if they decide to stay in their darkness—We have the power to bring our light to the situation. In order to get there, we must first self-reflect.  Self-reflection is the only way we can decipher what is our stuff and what is their stuff. Once we know that—Life becomes so much less dramatic. Oh, and if you have kids, they are GREATteachers! Kids can get us to go DEEP into our self-reflection pond if we are open enough to REALLY look at ourselves.

“The greatest of faults, is to be conscious of none.”

-Thomas Caryle

20 Questions to Help You Dig Into Self-Reflection When You’re Triggered

  1. What characteristics about this person are creating me to have a negative reaction?
  2. Do I see any of those characteristics in myself?
  3. Do I see any of those characteristics in a person from my past?
  4. Is my reaction REALLY about the person in front of me?
  5. Why is what this person is doing or saying right now affecting me negatively?
  6. What qualities do I like about this person?
  7. Do I sense any jealousy or envy within me about what they have, what they do, whom they are connected to, and/or how they communicate?
  8. Is the person I’m interacting with being her/himself and I’m reacting because I’m expecting them to act differently than she/he is capable?
  9. Are my expectations of others really my expectations of myself that I’m falling short on?
  10. Is it my place to judge someone else’s journey?
  11. Who’s stuff am I reacting to—Theirs or mine?
  12. Do I have the power to change the other person? NO—The answer is ALWAYS NO.
  13. Do I have the power to change my perspectives? YES—The answer is ALWAYS YES.
  14. Is my reaction causing my tightness, discomfort, and pain? If so, is what I’m feeling serving me?
  15. How can I change my thinking to move myself to operating from a loving place inside?
  16. How does this exchange have the power to help heal past wounds?
  17. How can I help myself to stay in a place of peace while interacting with this person?
  18. Can I communicate/act from a loving place in this moment? If not, silence is the best option.
  19. Am I representing the energy I want to project out into the world in this moment?
  20. What actions can I take to shine my light in the darkness of this person’s words and/or actions?

Just keep in mind, we are NEVER responsible for the energy of others, but we are ALWAYS responsible for the energy we are putting out into the world through our feelings, thoughts, perspectives of truth, and actions. Self-reflection is the only way we can heal our energy and make sure we are projecting the loving energy we want to manifest out and reflect back to us. We reap what we sow.Make sure you are holding yourself accountable for your reactions to others. When we master our triggers—We know internal peace. Only then can we manifest peace around us. This is the path to becoming the change we want to see in the world around us. We can’t fix what’s outside of us, until we are operating from the best place inside of us.

 

With Love and Gratitude,

 

Rachael Wolff ©2019

Don’t forget to read today’s companion piece: 90-Day A Better Me Letters Series: Day 78 – I’m Triggered! Using Self-Reflection to Heal My Energy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

90-Day A Better Me Letters Series: Day 54 – I AM Empowered

Letters from A Better Me

90-Day A Better Me Letters Series

Part II: A Journey of Perspective

What Launches Us Forward: The Stable Foundation

Day 54: I AM Empowered

Dear Universe,

I AM empowered! I make the choice whether to feel, think, and act out of my light. Nobody can dim my light if I don’t let her/him. Nobody is in charge of my supply of light I can bring to myself and to the world but me.

I’m choosing to work through the areas of my life that have no or a very dim light shining on them, so that I can serve this life the best I’m capable of serving it.

I’m empowered to question perspectives of truth that serve my darkness and re-frame them to let the light inside me lead me to perspectives that contribute to my ability to shine.

I’m ready to spread seeds of love and give people who are stuck in their dark opportunity to find their own light. I know anybody is capable of growing the flowers, plants, and trees that I’m offering, but I can’t plant the seed for them, and I trust that I did what I was meant to do by passing the seeds I have on. They may find other beautiful flowers that grow better in the foundation of their own personal garden. I trust that the love that makes their garden grow is what is right for them.

I trust that the people led away from my light are following their own path and it’s ok that our paths aren’t the same. Everyone is in my life for the exact amount of time that they are supposed to be. If a person can’t handle my light, I will not let their darkness dim my light! I’m empowered to be the best version of me possible.

I’m empowered to learn from my choices led by fear. I’m free to grow, change, and shift as my experiences help me to see what feels right and what doesn’t. I’m empowered to look at others with compassion because I know they are on this life journey to. My empowerment helps me to remain open to people who have different perspectives of truth than I do along with their ability grow, change, and shift.

I’m choosing to shine!

Today I’m grateful

  1. I’m grateful for the physical feeling authentic empowerment brings me.
  2. I’m grateful for my ability to choose how bright I want to shine my light.
  3. I’m grateful to be empowered to walk away from situations that aren’t healthy for me.
  4. I’m grateful to be empowered to show love wherever I feel the need to serve.
  5. I’m grateful I can look at myself beyond any title I have and feel a good being me.

With Love and Gratitude,

A Better Me

 

Rachael Wolff ©2019

Did you read today’s companion piece? 90-Day A Better Me Series: Day 54 – Empowering the Person in the Mirror

 

90-Day A Better Me Series: Day 54 – Empowering the Person in the Mirror

90-Day A Better Me Series

Part II: A Journey of Perspective

What Launches Us Forward: The Stable Foundation

Day 54: Empowering the Person in the Mirror

“You have a belief about what is beautiful and what is ugly, and if you don’t like yourself, you can change your belief and your life will change.”

-Don Miguel Ruiz

If we want to feel true empowerment, we have to strip down all those layers of titles we’ve defined ourselves by. We have to let go of the titles we’ve been given to by others and look deep into the mirror and see the power of the soul within ourselves. We limit our power by naming ourselves through a series of titles. Titles are and were created by humans.  Our power is limitless. Our definition of who we are is only thing that can stand in our way of shining to our full capacity.

That being said, I don’t mean for you to go around and yell at people for putting you in a category. When we act out in anger and fear because of how someone else is defining us, we aren’t expanding our empowerment onto them. We are creating them to put up their dark defensive walls to protect themselves from the darkness we are spreading. What matters is that we aren’t defining ourselves through the categories people check off for us. If they are defining us by a title that is led by their fear, we don’t have to engage in ours. We do have choices on how not to let their darkness dampen our light. We have to know from the inside that we are bigger than any category. When we truly know that, someone else’s title doesn’t have the ability to hurt us. We are empowered when we are spreading our light!

When we don’t fight categories and titles we can see that they can help lead people to our lives. They can help lead people who aren’t healthy for us away from our lives too. They are just not the embodiment of who we are. If we define ourselves by them we can limit how bright we can shine our lights. We can let darkness come in and defend the title in an, US AGAINST THEMwar. See any patterns here? We can see people fighting for their titles of race, gender, religion, political affiliation, region, along with titles like mother, father, son, daughter, rich, poor, etc. We also see people fighting against other people’s titles, but as I talked about earlier in the series, seeing people as groups and categories keeps us from seeing the individual we lose our humanity and we don’t see theirs. You can look anywhere around you and see evidence of this perspective of truth.

We are only as empowered as the love we project from inside of us. That is why I’ve spent the last few days covering our worth and our value. We can only shine as bright as we allow ourselves to shine. This is not about being self-centered. This is about being able to give from a full bucket that is constantly self-filling. This is about putting the oxygen masks on ourselves first so we can thrive while helping others.

I’ve seen a lot of amazing causes fail and people burn out because they were driving themselves by fear. They felt like the anger was empowering them. When we fight darkness with more darkness, we only create more. It just moves. We may feel the fight or flight reaction and choose the fight. The energy from that burns out and can have lasting long-term effects on our bodies and our minds. We open ourselves up to so much pain that we can’t tell the difference between love and fear. We can and do make this choice on a regular basis. We can choose to be and do better! We have to find clarity in who we are and what we stand for so that when are standing up for the oppressed, victims, and ill, we are serving them with the energy we want to see more of—LOVE! When we are serving causes from a place of fear, rage, anger, and revenge we miss giving opportunities for the people who might have been ignorant of wrongdoing to grow. NOBODY is perfect and we are all learning, when we go in with our guns blazing, we enter into our darkness. We can’t fix others until we are willing to look at and empower ourselves. The more aware we are of how we CHOOSE to live moment to moment, the more empowered we are to represent ourselves and our causes in a loving way.

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In order to empower the person in the mirror to spread more light into the world, we have to empower her/him with more light within. We have to turn our internal dimmer switches up. We have to start asking the right questions to ourselves when we are faced with our and other people’s darkness:

  • How are my feelings, thoughts, beliefs, actions, and reactions contributing to the light (love) or the dark  (fear) in this situation?
  • Am I speaking in away that will encourage communication (light) or put up defenses (dark) to those who don’t have the same perspectives of truth as I do?
  • Am I coming at this situation from a loving place representing what I stand for (love) or a fearful place representing what I’m against (fear)?
  • Am I trying to encourage people to see other perspectives of truth (light) or force my beliefs down a person’s throat because I believe my way is the ONLY right way (dark)?
  • Am I trying to understand where other people are coming from through their perspectives of truth (love) or am I closing myself off to possibilities of looking at the situation from a different perspective (fear)?

When I don’t know how to not fight AGAINST something I don’t like, I wait. I work through the fear, anger, rage, and resentment. Then I look at how I can approach the situation from a loving place that will open up conversations so both sides can feel heard which opens the door to come up with solutions. Do I always get the solution I was hoping for? No, and I may need to work through my feelings about that, but when I acted from a place of love I don’t have all the residual fear-based thoughts about regretting things I said, or realizing I wasn’t considering someone else’s opportunity for growth. Even if my answer is to walk away from the person or situation, I can feel good about the choice I made. I can know that I passed a seed to a beautiful flower, plant, or tree. What they do with that seed is up to them? Feeling empowered from within the energy of light launches us forward in such miraculous ways.

“Self-worth comes from one thing—thinking that you are worthy.”

-Wayne Dyer

Just for Today

When you engage with others be aware of how bright you are choosing to shine your light. If someone disagrees with you, take a second. Question how much light you can choose to shine on the situation. Then try out some different ways to introduce more light to challenges of your day. This can be in traffic, stores, work, home, etc. Remember you are learning, this is not about doing it perfectly, it’s about be open to try something new.

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In Part III (Days 61-90), I will talk a lot more about action steps. For now, we are working on understanding our perspectives of truth and creating shifts to open them up to empower us at a soul level. This is where we take control of our own dimmer switches and choose to turn the light up to see the magnificent souls we are.

 

With Love and Gratitude,

 

Rachael Wolff ©2019

Did you read today’s companion piece? 90-Day A Better Me Letters Series: Day 54 – I AM Empowered

 

90-Day A Better Me Series: Day 46 – Finding Perspectives of Truth to Empower Our Lives

90-Day A Better Me Series

Part II: A Journey of Perspective

What Launches Us Forward: The Stable Foundation

Day 46: Finding Perspectives of Truth to Empower Our Lives

“It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see.”

-Henry David Thoreau

There are some perspectives of truth that tell people that wanting is a bad thing. It all depends on the energy that we are putting into the want. If we are looking for external things to fix internal holes, yes wanting would be counterproductive. We have to internally fix the holes before we are going to attract things that contribute to the peace, joy, love, and fulfillment that we already have inside. No external thing/person will fill an internal hole.  Perspectives of truth led by fear create holes. Perspectives of truth led by love create internal fulfillment. Many religious books say this just in a different way. We can only give and receive what we already have inside us. What do you want to be giving and receiving to/from the world?

Day 45, we looked at the releasing perspectives of truth that aren’t serving the lives we want. If we say we want love, we can’t be projecting fear of the very love we want. We can’t be afraid to love ourselves. If we treat ourselves like we have no value, then that’s what we are projecting. We manifest people in our lives that show us the way we treat ourselves. Perspectives that come from fear, set us up to put the responsibility of how we live our lives out into the world. Perspectives that come from love empower us with the responsibility of how we choose to live our lives. First we need to physically look at the perspectives of truth that aren’t serving us. If you REALLY want to see change in your life, start with Day 45’s exercise. More perspectives that don’t serve up will come up throughout the rest of our lives. We simply take them as they come. The more aware we are, the more empowering this experience becomes.

I actually just got faced with someone else’s perspectives of truth led by fear and watched how they effected one’s I was still was holding onto. Transitioning my perspective was so much easier for me since I am in the middle of this series, and I could transmute my fearful reactions into loving and compassionate energy. I realized I didn’t have to take on someone else’s negativity in the situation. I didn’t have to embrace their perspective of truth. When I got into a healthier space within me, my thoughts shifted and I could see beautiful possibilities. I used to hold onto stuff like this for MONTHS, sometimes even YEARS. I would blame the other person for bringing me into their negative spiral, but now, I started processing the situation after the first exchange. To me that is a MIRACLE! That’s how fast we can shift once we get the hang of this.

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I see our choices of perspectives of truth as the garden we create in our minds. I choose what seeds I’m going to plant. I decide how to treat the soil. I figure out the way I want to water my garden. I choose which weeds I want to pull. I determine how much light each flower, plant, vine, bush, or tree needs. I choose the space between each life form to support their growth. Other people can give me seeds to flowers, plants, trees, weeds, smuggling vines, invasive species, fertilizers, etc. I get to choose whether to plant or use them. If it doesn’t fit into the garden I’m creating, I can put it in my pocket to possibly plant later, or get rid of it completely. The choice is MINE and MINE ALONE!

I’ve learned not to attempt to destroy someone else’s garden, because I’m not a fan of the one they created. I won’t choose to put those particular seeds in my garden. I may find a plant in their garden I love. I may offer them a seed from mine, but I don’t have to take it personally if they don’t choose to take it. Taking what other people choose to do personally is an invasive species we add to our garden. We are giving that species the power to take over our gardens and it’s a seed we CHOSE to take. A person might have forced (violence) a seed into our hands, but only we can CHOOSE what we are going to do with it.

That is part of the AMAZING blessings on this journey. We are creating our own scene. We are just getting ideas from others about what works and what doesn’t work in our gardens. We choose the landscape of our lives. We may choose seeds we think are going to work because we like the looks of the flower in someone else’s garden, but when we add them to ours, it just doesn’t work. That’s ok. It’s just not a fit for now, it might be later, or it might never be. Just trust, what works for right now.

If this inspires you to garden, DO IT! If this inspires you to get creative and make a collage, draw a picture, paint, or take photos of the life you would want in your garden, DO IT! If you are feeling inspired to clean your house, room, drawers, cabinets, DO IT! Doing these physically things is helping you to clean up your inside. Trust whatever comes to you. This may seem like a little too much information, but your body will also physically release toxic waste that is not serving it too. Some people can get similar feelings like a detox would give as their internal world starts cleaning itself up and filling in the holes that fear created.

In order to create a beautiful garden of our own choosing, we need to start filling in the holes in our foundation that were created by fear. We have to replace the old perspectives of truth that didn’t serve us with ones that will help us create the garden of our dreams.

Below are a few perspectives of truth (beliefs) I borrowed from my 35-Day A Better Me Boot Camp. My favorite week of boot camp is watching people choose new perspectives of truth.  It’s really is an AMAZING blessing to watch someone’s transformation process. Tears are piling up in my eyes just thinking about it. I hope these give you some ideas on how to work with replacing some of your old belief systems.

If our perspective of truth is I am unlovable. I’m not worthy of being loved.

Some different perspectives could be:

  • I am lovable.
  • I love me.
  • I’ve been writing lists of plenty of things I love about me.
  • I am absolutely lovable.
  • I do experience love from family and friends.
  • People show me they love me regularly.
  • I’m working on loving me.
  • Loving myself is how I give myself value.
  • By loving myself I allow myself to give and receive love freely to/ from other others.

 

If our perspective of truth is my body isn’t good enough!

Some different perspectives could be:

  • I have all my limbs, I’m happy about that!
  • I love the food I get to eat by having this body!
  • I take care of my body.
  • My body is healthy.
  • My body gets me from point A to point Z
  • I like that my body shows I’ve lived and had kids.
  • I’m grateful my body is strong.
  • My body is exactly what it’s supposed to be in this moment.
  • My body has lessons to teach me about how I take care of myself.
  • My body is my vessel for this life and it how I care for it is showing me how much I value it.

 

If our perspective of truth is I AM SO SELFISH!

Some different perspectives could be:

  • I care a lot for others
  • I take care of myself.
  • My self-care is important.
  • I do great things for others by taking care of myself.
  • I’m happy I get some time to focus on me.
  • I’m worthy of my own time.
  • The healthier my garden is, the healthier the seeds I’m giving to others.

 

If our perspective of truth is I’m a God fearing person or I have to fear God(Day 6)

Some different perspectives could be:

  • I choose to do good things for others because God’s love is inside of me
  • I choose to love myself because I’m creating in God’s loving image, so by treating myself with love, nurturing, and respect, I’m honoring the work God did in creating me.
  • I love God, so I choose loving actions to show my gratitude for God’s love.
  • When I love myself and others, I’m honoring God’s love for the world.
  • When I choose to love, I’m choosing to connect with God.

Just for Today

Get out your work from yesterday and fill in your pages with other possible perspectives. If one resonates with you put a star next to it and make a sign for yourself as a reminder of this new thought. Use it, write it, repeat it, and talk about it. Your making sure your garden has the healthiest land to grow on. Take care of this new perspective to help it make the beauty of your garden grow and expand.

I really hope those who truly want change dive into this part of the journey because the gifts that come with the transformation are truly AMAZING!!!

With Love and Gratitude,

 

Rachael Wolff ©2019

 

Remember to read today’s Letter from A Better Me, 90-Day A Better Me Letters Series: Day 46 – Perspectives of Truth to Empower My Life. If you want to get notified as soon as I post, make sure to scroll down and choose to follow the blog via e-mail.

 

Have a transformative day!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Interpretations from a Recovering People Pleaser

“Go and love someone exactly as they are. And then watch how quickly they transform into the greatest, truest, version of themselves. When one feels seen and appreciated in their own essence, one is instantly empowered.

-Wes Angelozzi

During a morning scroll of Facebook, I saw this quote on my friend’s feed. I could hear myself saying, “YES, YES, YES!!” Yet, I realized I wasn’t reading it how it was being stated. My perception changed the words as they were interpreted in my head. I’m a recovering people pleaser. As I thought about the statement, I thought about a boot camp I just ran. Seeing the words made me think of women doing the boot camp and their transformations in the 35 days they’ve been with me. I saw one HUGE difference: I’m guiding them to love themselves exactly as they are.

When I thought about Angelozzi’s quote above, I realized how much I’ve changed in the last decade. I used to work so hard to see and accept people exactly as they were, then I would wonder why me seeing them didn’t empower them. Then the rescuer/people pleaser me would sweep in and try to rescue these weary souls…LOL. I didn’t realize at the time that focusing on other people was keeping me from really going deep into my own shit. I kept attracting so much drama to my life just so I didn’t have to look inward. Little did I know at the time, if I just shifted the perspective of Angelozzi’s words to say, go and love myself exactly as I am… that’s where the miracles and transformation really took place. I used to want the credit for helping someone be a better version of him/herself. That was my lack of worth. At the time, I was trying to fix others to gain self-worth, thinking self-worth came from outside of myself.  I needed to feel valued by someone else’s perception of me.

I couldn’t see, love, and appreciate another person being exactly who they were until I cleaned up my insides first. The reason is we attract what we project out. If we have it inside us, we will manifest into our reality. I wasn’t attracting people I liked or respected, because I didn’t like or respect myself. When I started taking the steps to take care of me, all these amazing people started showing up in my life. Little by little all the ones who didn’t fit into my new shift shifted out. Some went quietly and one or two may try to stir things up every now and then. The difference is now, I do see and accept them exactly how they are and I CHOOSE to stay empowered and stay away.

On the other hand, when I look at this quote now in the space I’m in today—I see it differently. I think of my romantic partner and all my friends. I smile with awe and gratitude knowing each of us loves and accepts each other exactly how we are. When I got better, my circle got bigger and better. This didn’t mean I got all new friends. I have a handful of friends since childhood. I just learned to see them clearly and because I love and respect myself, it doesn’t take any work to do it. I can spot and appreciate other people’s unique gifts because I can appreciate my own. I don’t put my shit on them. Well, I try not to. If I do, I quickly clean it up (LOL). I recognize if I’m feeling insecure, fearful, guilty, etc. and own it.  I know if their reactions towards me are off-putting it’s because of something inside them or a reaction I’m having to something in my past. I only know that by knowing myself. I don’t have to take them personally—It’s a choice.

Learning that we are responsible for how we feel, react, and act on different situations is our power. When we know ourselves, we don’t give that power away by blaming others. We start asking ourselves questions and see what we need to do to feel better about the situation. We don’t expect others to do what we won’t do for ourselves. We truly become better versions of ourselves, and the people who are attracted to our lives can seeit.

I used to spend so much time trying to please other people. I couldn’t see myself at all. I didn’t know what I liked to do, what I liked to eat, or what was my favorite way to spend my alone time. I would change and shift with every relationship I entered. I couldn’t see them because I couldn’t see me. They couldn’t appreciate and see me because I didn’t even know who I was. I was who I THOUGHT they wanted me to be. I attracted people who didn’t know who they were either. Some would be in the same boat as me, some would try to fix me, and others would let me just take over the reigns on their life for a while because they didn’t want to deal with it. We all won or lost depending on how you look at it.  None of us had to look at ourselves if we were so busy in each other’s lives.

Seeing this quote with appreciation of where I am now to where I was then, I realize that I’m empowered by seeing my “own essence”. It’s not that someone else’s view of me transforms me. I had to transform myself. When I did that, I attracted people to my life that would encourage and inspire me to be the best version of myself. They weren’t the rescuers telling me how I needed to be living my life.

This shift has changed things for me in my professional life too. Now, when people are attracted to what I do, it’s because they have a light inside them. If I’m meant to help guide them it becomes clear, but they do the work. They do the transformation. I just assist, encourage, and inspire them to see the amazing person looking back at them in the mirror. Then, I watch them transform and it inspires and empowers me to keep doing what I do. I can’t take credit for their transformation, I’m just blessed enough to go on the journey as people begin to see the best version of themselves. And for that, my life is truly blessed.

I know others will interpret the quote above differently. I don’t take offense to different interpretations. They aren’t looking at it through my unique goggles. I don’t have an attitude of I’m right and someone else is wrong. I don’t have to be offended if someone does or doesn’t like my views. I’m not living their life and they are not living mine. I know my views change and shift over time through my own experiences. I simply find what FEELS right for me. At one point, the people pleaser in me would be scared to share this post because of how someone else might interpret my words. Even though I see this quote differently than it may be written, I appreciate it because it really helped me see what feels right to me. I appreciate the power in someone seeing and accepting a person for who they are. I know that feeling of empowerment that comes from accepting and loving being in my own skin. Of course that is what I want for someone else.

 

With Love and Gratitude,

Rachael Wolff © 2018

The Break-Up Playlist

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Introduction

I wrote this piece in April 2014. In a Creative Non-Fiction Workshop at Eckerd College, I was surrounded by a group of amazing writers. Me, a Human Development major who was NOT used to writing creatively. My college experience was full of technical writing and was pretty stiff. This piece came from a VERY constructively criticized piece about cathartic writing. After getting a C- on the paper (I had never even gotten a B on a college paper before), I had the chance to re-vamp my paper and took it in a different direction following excessive notes. I was very happy that the professor liked the new direction. Here was the end result.

The Break-Up Playlist

Sitting in my car at a stoplight, my ears tune in to the song on the radio. I reach over to turn the music up to the point where it is louder than I can sing. I start belting it out. My hands are motioning as if I’m telling someone off; my facial expressions reflect my utter disdain, annoyance, and anger then go to complete joy when the line says. “We are never ever ever getting back together. We are never ever ever getting back together…”; my eyes open wide and then squint on the verse; and my left leg is stomping along to the beat with the power of a drummer pounding the base petal. Every nerve in my body reacts to the release of emotions emanating from Taylor Swift’s lyrics saying she has had enough. The song ends, I turn the music down to a relaxing decibel and move on as if nothing happened, catharsis. This song was number one on my playlist for about six months after leaving my husband. I reached empowerment through a pop star.

Music can be a powerful tool when going through a break-up. There are songs for every feeling of the five stages of grief. A person can pick songs to reflect the denial/fear of the relationship being over, the anger of getting screwed over, the bargaining to win the relationship back, the depression left from the empty space, and the acceptance/empowerment from moving on. There are some songs that engage all the different stages at once. I know where I’m at in the grieving process by the music that triggers my emotions.

After my next break up, I am back at that stoplight, but the song changed. This time “Roar” by Katy Perry blared through the speakers. “You held me down, but I got up, get ready ‘cause I had enough. I see it all, I see it now…” The lyrics bring me to the point of acceptance by moving me through my anger. The message that I will persevere and come out stronger has a lasting effect. The song even brings in the visual of having “the eye of the tiger.” Now, whenever I see a tiger, I connect it to being a champion of my life. It is amazing what a song can do. This song even made it to my ringtone for about a year. Every time the song comes on, I feel empowered and ready to prove something to myself and to all the people who hurt me.

IMG_1886Katy Perry has mastered the art of creating empowerment anthems for the broken heart. “Roar” and “Dark Horse” reached number one the Billboard charts and “Wide Awake” was number two. These are songs that are playing somewhere in radio land all the time.   Her creative team has it down. The second any of these songs come on the radio, the volume goes up and I am physically, psychologically, and energetically moved.

I know this isn’t just me that this happens to. Facebook links to YouTube videos are a popular past time for some. Others choose to share their songs with friends who are currently going through the break-up process. One of my friends made me a CD of her favorites. Since heartbreak is a common thread through humanity, there are break-up songs in every genre of music. Nobody is left out.

Taylor Swift, has crossed multiple genres and age groups. She can touch listener from early childhood with her catchy melodies to mature adults with her authentic experiences. Many fans are intrigued to know who she is referring to in her songs about love and break-ups. This fascination always brings me back to Carly Simon’s song “You’re So Vain.” Questions pondering who it is about still appear in random conversations. Though, some may find Swift whiny, she is honest. She is vulnerable, and she uses her writing as a form of catharsis. For these reasons, her music will continue to touch people during those emotional times.

When I’m going through break-ups, I have a reoccurring conversation in my head. It starts with statements, which include “Do you really think…”, “How was I so stupid to trust you…”, and “You made the biggest mistake by letting me go…” My body tightens up and my eyes squeeze shut with anger, as I use my hands as an outlet for my rage. If I’m having the conversation in a public place, the only thing that’s seen is my hands tightening into fists or my leg zipping back and forth like it is a helicopter trying to lift off. Swift and Perry play out the conversations. Music is the acceptable way to express my reaction publicly.

The break-up playlist is an important tool for dealing with a broken heart. It can remind a person that he/she is not alone. Playlists are the new mixed tape. They are much easier to change, edit, and/or delete. A person can pick songs that fit their mood best. They also can find a place to work through their emotional turmoil in the privacy of their own ear buds, car, or home. Break-up playlists are great for working out. Cardio is a good place to work through the denial, bargaining, and depression stages, while weights are a powerful place to work through anger and acceptance. Each person is different. People need to find the playlist and environment that best suits their processing strategies.

I had a lapse in sanity (more than once) and kept trying to fix an unhealthy relationship. My friends had no option, but to sit back and watch this train wreck over and over. After watching the same event three times, my friend asked me, “What is on your playlist to help you stay away from him?” I created an empowerment playlist. “Roar”, “Wide Awake”, and “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” were the top three songs. I listened to the playlist while I deleted all his pictures and his phone number. When I reach the point of being done, I’m completely done!

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Katy Perry rides along side me as I move into a different phase of my journey. This time it is about knowing who I am and what I want in my next relationship. I realized how different people are and for a while I thought that something was wrong with me because I can’t casually date. I tried, but it doesn’t work. I’m either a man’s friend or I’m completely involved. I don’t like kissing men I have no emotional connection to, and I don’t want to go any further with someone who isn’t committed to me. So, when “Dark Horse” started playing on the radio, I turned it up and started belting it out. Juicy J has a line in the song, “If you get the chance you better keep her. She’s sweet as pie but if you break her heart, she’ll turn cold as a freezer…” a reminder that I don’t have to settle and there is nothing wrong with being an all or nothing woman.

 

I hope you enjoyed seeing my beginning attempts at creative writing.

With Love and Gratitude,

Rachael Wolff