I spent a long time looking for you in other people; I never felt fulfilled. Heartache ate at my soul before I finally understood what people meant when they said, I could only love others as much as I love myself. I didn’t realize the opposite was true too—I could only receive as much love as I give myself.Anything beyond what I felt I deserved, I sabotaged. I spent so much time sabotaging my happiness because on the inside I was screaming horrible names and beliefs about myself. I believed it was okay to let people who said they love me call me names and belittle me like I meant nothing. I didn’t understand how unlovable and unworthy of love I felt.
Love, the day I found you was the day I defined you. I never absorbed the definition of you before. Though I heard it many times, I took the words as a fairytale. When I finally saw the truth in the words; I healed the hole in my soul.
In “Corinthians” 13.4-13.7, I found you.
(4) Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant (5) or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; (6) it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. (7) It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.(Harper Collins Study Bible: Student Edition p.1950)
All the things I thought were love-LIES. I couldn’t remember having that kind of compassion and kindness towards myself. I remember thinking if a guy was jealous it was because he loved me. I thought it didn’t matter how I was treated. If a guy stayed, he must love me. I didn’t think for a second their negativity was fear and lack of trust.
I remember the day I finally embraced you with full conviction and started to have a love affair with myself. I committed my time to being, loving, and honoring the person I was and wanted to be. That’s when I began feeling authentic joy. I stopped putting my need for love on other people and realized I could give and receive love freely by loving myself first. When I feel complete with the love I have for myself, there is no consequence of losing myself in the process of loving others.
I’m far from perfect at practicing your ways. I still need reminders not to let fear run my life and my relationships. I get lessons to practice being loving and being loved. I’m happy I finally know who you are. My life has improved in so many ways from knowing you.
Love, you are the source of all that is right in the world. With clarity, I look at life through your eyes. When I look at you for wisdom, I find compassion. When I look to you for strength, I find perseverance. Love, you are everything that gives life meaning.
I’m sorry I blamed you for all the hurt in my life. What did hurt me was fear, jealousy, hate, anger, rage, and not knowing you. I let other people’s lack of knowing you define your meaning. I accepted so much of their fear, hate, anger, and rage in the process.
Thank you for showing me the way. I’m so grateful to know you. I’m grateful to live you.I’m grateful for the times I feel at ONE with you. I’m grateful to extend you to those around me. You are not fluff, you are truth.
With Love and Gratitude,
A Better Me
Rachael Wolff ©2020, 2018