90-Day A Better Me Series: Day 74 – Inviting Visitors Into Our Internal Homes

90-Day A Better Me Series

Part III: Living the Journey

Making the Now Count: Rebuilding our Lives

Day 74: Inviting Visitors Into Our Internal Homes

“There are no accidents. People come in and out of our lives for a reason and where we end up is where we were destined to be all along.”

-Mandy Hale

People can walk in and out of our physical lives and never be invited into our internal homes. The people who come into our homes are ALWAYS invited. We choose whether or not to allow them to have space in our home. We do this with our feelings, thoughts, and beliefs about a person. We write them into our stories whether they are hero, villain, teacher, student, friend, or foe. We choose the space each person holds. We can also choose not to let them have any space at all.

“Invite people into your life that don’t look or think like you.”

-Mellody Hobson

The next few days the focus will be on these visitors and the places we create for them in our physical and internal lives. The process of becoming a better meis about taking our personal power back. We are responsible for who and what we allow to be apart of our inner worlds. We can’t control what others do or how they behave. We can’t save people from themselves. We only can show them our light or darkness. It’s up to them to do the work be in their light or darkness.

We can choose what effect we are going to let another person have over our inner worlds. If we don’t like the effect that is happening in the moment, we can take steps to change it without ever expecting the other person to be different than they are. That is the beauty of taking our power back.

We CAN give visitors seeds from our gardens. We CAN invite them into our internal homes.  We CAN ask them to leave.  We CAN learn from our experiences with them whether the experiences bring joy or pain. We CAN allow ourselves to love. We CAN allow ourselves to feel pain, grief, and sadness. We CAN change our minds! We CAN change our feelings! We CAN change our perspectives of truth! We CAN change how we act. We CAN change how we choose to react. WE HAVE THE POWER!

These things are apart of our journeys. Everyone has a purpose on this Earth. Whether a person makes it out of the womb or lives into their 100s. We are here to learn, teach, grow, and expand. We choose whether our expansion is from a loving place or a fearful one. Each person can teach and learn from a place of love or fear. We choose how we want to absorb these lessons into our internal homes or dilapidated shacks. We are the only ones with the power to change our lives. We have to decide whether to live life or to let life live us. Part of how we do that is being conscious of how we treat ourselves and the people we invite into our internal homes.

The energy we project out dictates the visitors we allow to enter our physical and emotional worlds. If we don’t like what is being manifested around us and what is coming back, we have to change the way we take care of our inner world. No one else has to do anything for us to feel different than we do in this moment. The only person who NEEDS to change if we aren’t happy—Ourselves!

Who are you inviting into your world? Keep reading!

 

With Love and Gratitude,

 

Rachael Wolff ©2019

Don’t forget to read today’s companion piece: 90-Day A Better Me Letters Series: Day 74 -Who Am I Inviting Into My Internal Home

90-Day A Better Me Letters Series: Day 58 – Manifesting Love in My Life

Letters from A Better Me

90-Day A Better Me Letters Series

Part II: A Journey of Perspective

What Launches Us Forward: The Stable Foundation

Day 58: Manifesting Love in My Life

Dear Self,

We are in this together. In order for me to manifest love in my life, I have to project the love out of me. The more love I project, the more I will manifest. If there was ever a reason to commit to loving and respecting myself—THIS IS IT!

I want to manifest not just more love in my life, but more love in the world. I want my energy to be part of the great force that helps shifts the energy of this planet back to a more loving one. I want the love to project out me to the point where I can feel the love in the air. I know that the only way to do this is to show myself the love that I want to feel in the world.

I’m committed to having a love affair with you! So lets start courting. Today, lets go enjoy a walk for sunset. We will pay attention to the reflections in the water, the birds flying, and the sounds nature has to offer us. I love that kind of stuff. Tomorrow, I will treat you to an amazing lunch with your favorite foods. I also want to make time to meditate, so that we can connect. Each day, I plan to invest the time in you that I would in someone else I was falling in love with. This includes writing you notes as a way to show you how much I love and appreciate the time we have together.

I’m already feeling my energy shift just by the simple thoughts of focusing on the things that I like to do and can do without someone outside of myself. This is going to be a beautiful journey.  I love knowing that I’m FULLY responsible for the success or failure of this relationship and only I can fix it.

Today I’m grateful

  1. I’m so incredibly grateful for being able to manifest love.
  2. I’m grateful for knowing that I’m in control of showing myself the love and respect that I deserve.
  3. I’m grateful ability to project out the love that’s in my heart.
  4. I’m grateful for manifesting incredible shifts in my life.
  5. I’m grateful for the passion to have a love affair with myself.

With Love and Gratitude,

A Better Me

Rachael Wolff ©2019

If you are trying to understand why this letter is written like it is, please read today’s installment of the 90-Day A Better Me Series90-Day A Better Me Series: Day 58 – Manifesting Love through Self-Love

90-Day A Better Me Series: Day 58 – Manifesting Love through Self-Love

90-Day A Better Me Series

Part II: A Journey of Perspective

What Launches Us Forward: The Stable Foundation

Day 58: Manifesting Love through Self-Love

“Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.”

-Lucille Ball

Are you ready to create love in your life? This can be romance, friendship, familial, animal, nature, communal, and/or global. You know when you are ready by the amount of love you have for yourself. The more love you have for yourself, the more love you can manifest in your life. The greatest gift of the writing I do and the life I live is the amount of love I have to give and the amount I’m able to receive. There is never too much love to give or to be given. The illusion of giving too much comes from giving ourselves away, and that isn’t about love. We have to love ourselves first so that we don’t give ourselves away (Day 28). We are responsible for seeing our own value and worth (Day 52). This makes it possible to create healthy boundaries from a loving place (Day 53). This is how we make the Law of Attraction work for us.

One of the first things I did to manifest the love I actually wanted in my life was to make a list of what I wanted in a romantic partner. This list was a few pages long. I didn’t leave anything out. Now, this list was different than any of the lists I have ever written. When I wrote this list I was conscious of how energy works. I had to make sure my energy was matching what I said I wanted. Then I had to make sure nowhere on this list did I make this wonderful person responsible for my feelings, thoughts, actions, and reactions. I didn’t focus on the future plans that I wanted with the person, because as I’ve said before in the series, that creates expectations and we stop seeing the person in front of us. I focused on the person and the qualities I was looking for. I was very careful not to put the energy of against into this list. This is similar to what I was talking about on Day 57 about representing the energy of what we stand for. It all falls under the same concept. Making this list was only a small piece in the puzzle.

“To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance.”

-Oscar Wilde

The larger piece was having to turn the list around onto me, because we can only attract what we already have inside. This is where the real work came in. This is why the list plays a large part my 35-Day A Better Me Boot CampThe love affair we have with ourselves, is the most important of all love affairs we will ever have. It dictates how every other love story in our lives will go. Including our spiritual connection with the Creator of Universe itself. We have to know self-love before we can even begin to accept the love that our Creator has for us. Just like any other love, we will sabotage any level of love that goes beyond the love we feel for ourselves. We inject our fears into the love, which creates the stories of not enough, too much, and expectations. All these things are apart of our own self-sabotage.

The original list became the list of things I needed to work on to manifest this love outside of myself. During this process, I stopped seeking love outside of myself because I found my joy and peace within myself. I started manifesting amazing friendships, adventures, and opportunities to experience so much love. I felt full and complete within myself. I didn’t feel like my life was missing anything. So much so, that for a little bit I went to the other extreme of not allowing the Universe to make space for romance to come into my life. I see it like the pendulum swinging. I went from one extreme to the other, then with time settled into a relaxed place in the middle. I will go more into all the things we can attract by manifesting this love in our lives on Day 59.

Turning the list around onto what I needed to do and how I needed to work on treating myself was the inspiration for so much of the work I do now with individuals who are struggle to live life from a loving place. It all begins with us seeing and loving the people we are. I accept the lessons this body has to teach me, so I love my body for it. I accept the lessons my circumstances have to teach me, so I love my life for them. I accept the lessons that people come into my life to teach me, so I love what I have the ability to create from my experiences with them. I accept the gifts I’ve been given, so I love sharing my perspectives with others.

The energy of gratitude and love takes over our lives when we have this love affair with ourselves. We become aware of the miracles self-love creates in our lives and in the lives of others who are able to accept the love that we have to give. We see the world through different lens. Our prejudices, blocks, drama, chaos, and fear-based perspectives of truth (beliefs) fall away little by little. We become open to manifest love in our lives beyond what we could have ever imagined, because that love is coming from inside of us. It opens our eyes to see the love available in the world and creates more. If you’ve been reading this series, and your wondering if this is one of those times tears are running down my face…YES!

I honestly never knew how life-transforming self-love could be. I used to read thousands of self-help books that had beautiful concepts, but the problem was I struggled to apply them to my life. Self-love made the faraway concepts come to life. If you are not getting what you want from life, look inside. The answers to what we are manifesting, whether it is love or hate/fear (Day 24), all reside within the perspectives of truth (Days 42-46) we are living by and how we are using those to treat ourselves.

Love yourself enough to contribute to the changes you want to see in your world and the world around you.

Just for Today

Make your list! Create the ideal friend, partner, and/or family member to help you figure out how you need to work on having your love affair with yourself. What we want to attract from someone else is the qualities we want in ourselves. We have to make sure they are in-line with what we feel and how we treat ourselves to manifest this level of love in our lives. We will dig deeper into this in Part III.

Enjoy this journey! This is the love affair that will create true magic in your life. Don’t take it for granted.

With Love and Gratitude,

 

Rachael Wolff ©2019

Don’t forget to read today’s companion piece:90-Day A Better Me Letters Series: Day 58 – Manifesting Love in My Life

 

90-Day A Better Me Series: Day 53 – Healthy Boundaries

90-Day A Better Me Series

Part II: A Journey of Perspective

What Launches Us Forward: The Stable Foundation

Day 53: Healthy Boundaries

“Respect yourself and others will respect you.”

-Confucius

As we grow in our self-worth, our healthy boundaries start naturally establishing themselves. We no longer try to force and demand other people to respect us. We no longer feel bad when we are not getting treated the way we feel like we deserve. We learn, the more we treat ourselves with respect, the people around us will feel the light of our self-respect, not the darkness from the fear of not being respected. We have to have the respect for ourselves to show people how to treat us.

If we want other people to see our time and love is valuable to them, the time and love we invest in ourselves shows them that. I didn’t have self-worth, self-respect, or self-love when I was growing up, and my feelings, thoughts, beliefs, actions, and reactions to what other people did reflected that. To the point where I did try to kill myself because I felt like I had absolutely no value. I couldn’t establish healthy boundaries with others because I put my value in their feelings, thoughts, beliefs, actions, and reactions. We can’t establish healthy boundaries from our fears. When we attempt to, we are actually attracting more of the people that will not respect those boundaries because our focus is on what we don’t want.

The real focus of fear-based boundaries is the fear of not being respected, not being loved, and not being appreciated. That leads us to feeling disappointed over and over again. Our perspective of truth is trapped in our own darkness. A person could be showing us their version of love, respect, and appreciation but if our focus is on our fear-based perspectives of truth (Days 43-46), we won’t see it because if their version looks different than ours, our fear-based perspectives of their words, beliefs, actions, and reactions tells us they are in the wrong.

“Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.”

-Lao Tzu

When we are shining our light from our self-love, self-respect, and self-worth, we project that out to the people around us. They will either shine their light back, walk away from our light, or attempt to dim our light to test how strong our light is. Our healthy boundaries are an energetic force field around us.

I think of it as the little prayer I learned, bless it or block it. If I have something to learn from a person, he/she will come into my life. If there is nothing to learn from their experience it won’t be presented to me. Now, this includes videos, news stories, music, books, seminars, media coverage, social media posts, celebrities, etc. I have the opportunity to learn from whatever my journey has brought me to see.

  • Have you ever heard the perfect song for what you are going through on the radio?
  • Have you ever heard that song that brought all your tears about a situation to the surface?
  • Have you ever been suggested to read a book or watch a video multiple times by people who weren’t connected to each other?
  • Have you ever turned on the TV and catch a show that you find a message in? Have you ever had a book fall off a shelf in front of you?

I can go on with the lists of questions, but I think you get the point.

If we need to work on our light force field, we will be presented with lessons that can help us build and strengthen it, but we won’t learn those lessons if we are stuck in the topics we talked about in Part I (Days 2-30) of the 90-Day A Better Me Series. That is why it is so important to start this journey by becoming aware of what is blocking us from creating these light force fields around ourselves. We have to establish trust on this journey of learning. We have to be able to spot our own darkness (fear) and shine the light (love) on it.

I’m respected by the people I choose to have in my life, because I respect myself. I don’t expect others to give me what I’m not giving myself. When I have an expectation of others, I can look at it and see how I’m not showing myself  my own respect, love, and/or worth in the situation. I can’t correct the problem, until I change my perspective on how I’m looking at it. If I’m blaming them, my darkness is leading me. That dark force field will project an energy out that I REALLY don’t want to be coming back to me. I sometimes will have to bust my ass doing the work to get out of that space. The difference for me is now I don’t resist those lessons. I don’t tell myself that whatever happened shouldn’t have happened. It did happen, that’s reality. There is a blessing in whatever comes my way. When I see the blessing, I contribute to my light energy force field (Healthy boundaries).

The best part is that our healthy light force field isn’t just about protecting us from the feelings and actions of others. It helps protect us from making unhealthy choices against ourselves in our feelings, thoughts, actions, and reactions. With food, it may mean we won’t pick up an item to fill an emotional void. With health, we may get little energy nudges to do, eat, take, or drink specific things to assist with healing something within us. It can steer us away from things that aren’t healthy for us—people, places, and/or things included. The more light we learn to shine, the clearer we see our healthy boundaries. We start thanking our Creator for being late because it helped us to miss an accident. We start feeling gratitude for Divine timing. We start seeing the blessings in our lives on a whole new level.

Just for Today

Answer these questions:

  • Are you trying to establish personal boundaries from love or fear?
  • How are people responding to these energetic force fields you are creating?
  • How can you improve your self-worth, self-respect, and self-love to create a stronger light energy force field?
  • If you already have a light energy force field that you feel, what blessing is it bringing to your life?

This REALLY is a MIRACLE-filled journey once we open the doors and commit to learning how to shine our own lights brighter. We truly learn the meaning of living an AWE-filled life. What we see becomes so much more beautiful. Enjoy the journey!

Thank you for reading!

 

With Love and Gratitude,

 

Rachael Wolff ©2019

Did you read today’s companion piece? 90-Day A Better Me Letters Series: Day 53 – My Healthy Boundaries

 

 

 

 

 

90-Day A Better Me Letters Series: Day 52 – I See My Value

Letters from A Better Me

90-Day A Better Me Letters Series

Part II: A Journey of Perspective

What Launches Us Forward: The Stable Foundation

Day 52: I See My Value

Dear Universe,

I AM! Yes, I AM and that is enough to make me valuable. I AM complete in this very moment. I can finally see my value in being exactly where I am and how I am right now. I don’t have to be any more or any less than what I am right now to give my life value. When I do my best, learn from life’s lessons and share who I am with others, I am walking a path to shine my light brighter. That is what I’m choosing to do with my life, but that doesn’t determine my value.

The color of my skin, gender I am, way I look, things I have, money I make, relationships that succeed/fail, skills I acquire, and career path don’t define my value! With or without any of these details about my journey, I AM VALUABLE to this life.

I get to choose if my value comes from my light or my dark. Am I going to use love or fear to teach and be taught? Am I going to contribute to lessons that light (love) has to offer the world or the lessons that darkness (fear) has to offer the world? Which path I choose is up to me.

I’m choosing to spread as much love that I can. I’m choosing to give from a loving place. I want to learn from the dark parts of me how to create more love from the lessons I’ve learned from fear. I want to turn up my dimmer switch to shine brighter.

I see my value and I’m choosing to make the most of it by investing time in making me the best version of myself that I can be. I want to give to the world from that place. I want to give to the world from my sense of value and worth. I want to shine the light within me as bright as I can, so that I can help others see their own light.

I see the value in my darkness too. It is apart of me. It is a part of how I learn to be and do better. It is apart of my journey. At my times of darkness, my value is still there. My value can be in what my darkness is teaching others and what it’s teaching me. My value doesn’t fluctuate based on whether I’m feeling good our bad about myself. The only thing that changes is my ability to see it because of how much light or darkness I’m covering it with. I have the choice to be in the dark or in the light at any time. Whichever one I choose has valuable lessons on this journey of life.

My prayer

Please help me to see my value even in my darkness. Please help me to see the lessons and the ways to add light when I’m stuck. I know I’m connected to you when I choose to live in my light. The brighter I shine my light, the more I feel connected. Please help me honor that connection by accepting and loving myself exactly how I am. I know you made me with your love, please help me find ways to live in the light that created me in.

Today I’m Grateful 

  1. I’m so grateful for the gift of life
  2.  I’m so grateful for my ability to shine as bright as I choose to
  3. I’m grateful for all the chances I get to bring more love into the world
  4. I’m so incredibly grateful for the lessons that teach me the value of my life
  5. I’m grateful I AM!

With Love and Gratitude,

A Better Me

 

Rachael Wolff ©2019

Did you read today’s companion piece? 90-Day A Better Me Series: Day 52 – Seeing Our Own Value

Thank you to those following this journey with me. If you haven’t joined the 90-Day A Better Me Seriesand 90-Day A Better Me Letters Seriesjourneys, let’s turn our dimmer switches up together. I hope you will come on this transformative journey with us. No cost and no sign-up. All you need is an open mind and commitment of time to invest in becoming the best version of yourself. Just go to the Home page and explore.

 

90-Day A Better Me Series: Day 49 – Gratitude in Our Relationships

90-Day A Better Me Series

Part II: A Journey of Perspective

What Launches Us Forward: The Stable Foundation

Day 49: Gratitude in Our Relationships

“Trade your expectations for appreciation and your whole world changes in an instant.”

-Tony Robbins

When have expectations on the people closest to us, we are setting ourselves up to be let down time and time again. Nobody owes us anything. If we think that a person we love owes us something because we did something for them there is a debt to be paid, we gave to that person from a place of lack. When we demand respect, love, understanding, time, etc., we are not being honest about the intentions of why we chose to give in the first place. We might have been giving out of self-expectations, low self-worth, attachment to titles, to feel wanted, to feel needed, etc. None of those are giving from a place of love. When we have expectations of others to be more than who they are, we are coming from a place of lack. When we can be grateful for who they are and what they are capable of giving, we are coming from a place of abundance. We don’t need someone else to fill a hole inside of us. We are complete on our own. We can give without giving ourselves away because we are giving from a place of fullness. When we give from a place of love, we feel gratitude in the ability to give.

Giving from a loving place means we are keeping ourselves in the abundance of gratitude—Our relationships shift and change. The people who are stuck in their own dark place who fed off our demanding energy of lack will grow and change with us, or they will grow apart from us. Family members, friends, and partners who feel the new energy and embrace it will shift with us. We will actually see more of the light inside them too. We will appreciate those relationships even more.

“The thankful heart opens our eyes to a multitude of blessings that continually surround us.”

-James E. Faust

By keeping our focus on our gratitude, we start really seeing the partners and friends we choose to have in our lives. Our perspectives of truth (Days 43-46) shift and expand to see people from a more realistic view. We aren’t putting the relationships in the future or in the past, we are in the relationship right now. We are noticing what is happening now. If we have friends from the past, and we choose not to see them now because of our connection to the past, we miss opportunities to see who they are now. We might be missing the gifts that come from the growth each person has had.

When we are in intimate romantic relationships that are focused on the future, we are not seeing the person in front of us AT ALL! We are seeing the dream of who we are wishing them to be in terms of what we want for our future. That is way too much pressure to put on a relationship. Be grateful for the love now. Be grateful for the caring gestures now. Be grateful for the challenges now where you learn if this is even a person you want in your life. If they aren’t a person you want in your life, be grateful you figured that out. When we are grateful, we see the person in front of us. We learn and grow from their time in our lives and that is something to be grateful for no matter how long the relationship lasts. If they are not meant for the long term, we can be thankful for the things we learned and grow from there.

Even in our most intimate relationships, we can’t make our partners feel, think, act, or react in anyway that he/she doesn’t make the choice to do. We can’t make our partners happy. They have to choose to be happy, if they choose to be happy, they will appreciate our happiness and the happiness they share with us. They can’t make us happy either, because we have to make that choice for ourselves too. The same is true for anger, jealousy, etc. It’s all of it, light and dark energies. If we make someone else responsible for our feelings, thoughts, actions, and reactions we gave our power away from a place of lack and fear. It’s that hole some people feel that only an intimate partner can fill. That is a perspective of truth that is very painful for all parties involved. Knowing we are responsible for ourselves and our partners are responsible for themselves is a perspective of truth that leaves a lot of room for gratitude and expansion. We can help without enabling. We can serve without expecting. We can receive with full love for the gesture.

“No gesture is too small when done with gratitude.”

-Oprah

Side note: For those who have been caught in narcissistic relationships, living from a place of gratitude shifts your energy away from the narcissist. A narcissist needs chaos to thrive and feed on. Living in gratitude and feeling good about ourselves takes away their power of us. If you are still in the relationship they will fight against positive shifts. They will try anything to revert your energy back to a chaotic place where they can feel like they are in control. Keep focusing on gratitude, when you have reached a certain point the signs will be so clear when it’s time to leave. You won’t feel the chaos behind the choice. You will feel a peace inside you. It is a truly empowering moment. The shift is definitely something to be grateful for!

Communicating from the energy of gratitude and expansion keeps the defenses down. We can appreciate hearing their view, then explain ours. If we don’t treat differences like battlegrounds, we grow together. Just remember:

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If you are having trouble with a family member, partner, or friend, keep them on your gratitude list. It will help you get out of your own unhealthy space of focusing your energy on lack, which is what creates the space of expecting people to be more than they are. We want to see people from our light, because it will not only help us focus on the light in them, but we will see their dark spots and know if we need to have space from this person. When we are in a dark place inside, we can want and expect people to show up more, but when we find our light, we may see space from them is a true blessing. We want to feed our peace, not our chaos. That is our responsibility to ourselves. When we have a grateful heart and share from a loving place, we feel good! NO ONE can take that away from us no matter how they respond to our loving action. We are full. We are abundant in loving energy. We can show up to our relationships with gratitude for whatever the day holds. There are so many blessings that come with relationships full of gratitude!

Just for Today

Focus your gratitude list on relationships you are struggling with. You will feel a clear energy shift with that person once you have found your own light. They will feel it too. It’s one of the miracles of gratitude. This may take a lot longer than one day if the dark energy you feel about the person runs deep. Keep going!

This exercise helped me move out of my own toxic space in unhealthy relationships and opened me up to countless blessings that I’m still experiencing today even know those particular people are long gone. I’m so incredibly grateful for the opportunities I got to learn about myself in those relationships. Their darkness ended up helping me to brighten my light. I’ve also felt amazing shifts in my relationships with my children, friends, and family members by focusing on this list. It really is an AMAZING journey!

 

With Love and Gratitude,

 

Rachael Wolff ©2019

 

Make sure to  read today’s Letter from A Better Me 90-Day A Better Me Letters Series: Day 49 -Celebrating Gratitude in My Relationships

 

 

90-Day A Better Me Series: Day 4 – How Fear Keeps Us from Experiencing Love

Day 4: How Fear Keeps Us from Experiencing Love

“Love is what we were born with fear is what we learned here.”

-Marianne Williamson

 

Whether we are talking about romantic relationships, family, friends, or strangers fear keeps us from experiencing love. We like to pretend that by fearing for others and/or their actions we are showing love. We’ve been groomed to fear which leads to expectations of others. Those expectations create more fear—not love. Does this mean we need to accept unacceptable behavior…HELL NO! This means that we understand through awareness what we can control. We are only in control of our own perceptions. We can’t expect others to act according to our expectations. We don’t use their adherence to our expectations as a tool to measure whether we love them or hate them.

Fear breaks down all forms of communication in relationships. Once all parties enlist fear into conversation— a war breaks out. Now all parties are acting like their wounded pre-teen selves. Our reasoning goes out the door. We view us as right and them as wrong. We can’t see that ALL our and their beliefs are just perceptions of what is true based on each person’s experiences in life. We are no longer open. We have an armor layer that is constructed of 100% fear.

Some of us go through our whole lives and never consider the definitions of love and fear. We wing it and because of that we intertwine the two and then start believing things like: Love hurts! Love is painful! Love blinds us. The opposite is actually true. Fear hurts. Fear is painful. Fear blinds us.

Fear is what drives the overbearing parent. Fear is what leads to jealousy, separation, abuse, betrayal, and cheating. Fear is what builds walls and shuts doors to strangers who are just as capable of love as we are. Fear closes us off and makes us want to numb our pain. Fear breaks down any and all relationships without discrimination.

We are human. None of us are going to be perfect people. We are going to make mistakes. The people we love will make mistakes. Strangers will make mistakes. We take away the opportunity to learn from our mistakes when we are in so much fear that we attack and criticize without any understanding of how the mistake could have happened. Then we come up with defenses, and those defenses create more fear. If a person chooses to learn from their mistakes, they will grow. If they don’t, they will wallow in self-defeat. They will make the mistakes reasons for being unlovable and unworthy. Once we see ourselves as unlovable and unworthy—Fear-based living takes over.

We project that fear to the world, and it becomes a belief. We will try to prove our belief right. This makes us attract people who will use us and call it love. We will allow our parents to demean and try to control us and call it love. We will attract friends who attack us and call it love. Something deep inside us knows these actions aren’t demonstrating love, so it feeds our belief that we are unlovable and unworthy of love.  If you are nodding your head because you see this in yourself, remember it is true for others too.

If we truly want to experience the fullness of love we have to show love to ourselves. We have to know love from the inside before we can see it in the world around us. We can only do this if we become aware of all the fears that are holding us back.

It is self-love that keeps us from being abused, bullied, controlled, and used by others. When we love ourselves we have healthy boundaries. We don’t DEMAND people respect us. We respect ourselves, so people who don’t respect us change or move away from us.  If our house isn’t built on a foundation of fear, we won’t engage in what perpetuates more fear, which is fear itself.

Do we fear repeating patterns from the past?

Do we fear others will hurt us more than we hurt ourselves?

Do we fear the unknown future?

These keep us from seeing the people standing in front of us. We can’t be present if our heads are lost in fear. Therefore we miss expressions of love and red flags we need to face. Love is experienced right here and right now. Self-love helps us spot red flags in ourselves and others. Fear is based on past beliefs, which creates fears of the future. Fear actually keeps you from being present.

Just for today see how fear and/or love is expressing itself in your relationships. Really ask yourself if your thoughts, feelings, and actions towards yourself and others are projecting love or fear.

If you want to learn about how to get out of fearful patterns—Keep READING!

This is a process. Part I is about making us AWARE of the problems. We can’t fix what we don’t want to face. Part II is about ACCEPTING where we are right now and opening ourselves up to changing from a place of love and not fear. Then in Part III we take ACTION. You will learn action plans to break unhealthy patterns. There is a reason for the order so it is best not to skip any part of it.

With Love and Gratitude,

Rachael Wolff ©2019

Companion letter: 90-Day A Better Me Letters Series: Day 4 -To the Fear Keeping Me from Experiencing Love Don’t miss a day!

 

 

90-Day A Better Me Letters Series: Day 1 – Welcome to the Journey

Letters From A Better Me

90-Day A Better Me Letters Series

Day 1: Welcome to the Journey

Dear Readers,

Welcome to the journey of A Better Me. This letters piece of the journey is about connecting to the material in the 90-Day A Better Me Series. One of the things I’ve learned in my experience is that if I can’t make the journey personal, it’s not my journey. I won’t absorb the material in the same way as I do if I’m truly connected to it.

Since I’ve re-written my own story again and again using letters, I wanted to pass on one of the most essential tools in my own tool box. I’ve been amazed at what writing letters has done in my life. This helped me more than just journaling because writing a letter to myself or someone else gets me to engage deeper. The letters become personal contracts to live better.  I fully commit to feeling through whatever is going on inside of me at the time. I found that to be an AMAZING healing and transformative tool. Writing letters helps me to remember that I’m writing my own story. I need to commit to being the leading role.

Part I of the series is meant to stir up your emotions. If the program is working, you will get triggered. You will see yourself more openly. You will have opportunities to make better choices today. This journey is a process. In Part I, I’m peeling back the layers to expose the toxic muck that is keeping you from living your best life. In Part II, I help you to heal and strengthen. In Part III, you will get tools galore on how to grow and expand y to be the best version of yourself. Your relationships will shift and change as you take this journey. Trust the path!

I hope that if you stick to this journey, you will get what you need to become the best version of yourself, the program opens you up to see signs, guidance, teachers, and/or students. This is just the beginning. If you need extra guidance, I have a program that acts as a supplement to any personal development program you are using and/or want to start using. You will see a little more about that throughout the series. For now, enjoy this 90-Day journey. You can read it daily, like a book, or pick and choose what you need. This journey is yours. Just go to CATEGORIES to have direct access to both series.

Remember each day comes with a companion piece on the 90-Day A Better Me Series. Don’t forget to read and follow on long in order to get the most out of the experience. Read today’s here: 90-Day A Better Me Series: Day 1-A Commitment for 2019

 

With Love and Gratitude,

A Better Me

Rachael Wolff ©2019

 

 

 

Finding Love in the Confusion of Meaning

A friend recently reminded me of a time when I didn’t know what love was. In that place I entered unhealthy relationship after unhealthy relationship. I was used, walked on, and crushed time and time again. I didn’t understand why love had to be so hard. In my confusion about love, I thought love is what hurt me. I thought that loving too much was my weakness. I believed it when people would say I was SO loving that I would be hurt more. I believed it when people said I was too trusting. I didn’t realize the reality I was creating around my beliefs.

I’ve written about this on multiple levels on my blog (please search the blog if you are struggling with love). In Discovering the Meaning of Love I talked about that first step in my journey to finding REAL love. If we want to experience love for what love is, we first have to be clear on our definition of love. If we don’t want to believe that love hurts, we have to live within a definition of love that doesn’t hurt. For me, I found that in Corinthians. This definition changed the trajectory of my journey to love.

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In order to live by this definition, I have to have it close by. This definition of love doesn’t have hurt. When I’m feeling hurt, I am directed to figure out what is really hurting me, 100% of the time it is some version of fear. Fear is where jealously, envy, rage, anger, disgust, bitterness, distrust, rudeness, and righteousness stand. This isn’t just true for when I’m looking at it in another person. This is true when I’m looking within myself. If I’m treating myself horrible, that’s not love; it’s fear.

When I view myself through eyes of fear, I’m teaching the people I encounter to do the same. I’m going to project out whatever I feel inside. When I hated myself, I attracted people who treated me horribly. I thought they were the reason I hated love. Really, the reason I hated love is because of me.

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My friend reminded me about the confusion that came from not knowing the meaning of love. She reminded me of the pain and hurt that relationships brought when I was confused. After discovering the meaning of love, I could soon see that what I was feeling had nothing do do with love. It had everything to do with the unhealed shame I had inside. That unhealed shame led to codependency on others to gain my worth. That made it easy for me to be a doormat. I would say yes to gain worth and if they didn’t appreciate me or give back to me the way I would give to them, I would feel hurt.

When I give from a loving place, I don’t need to feel appreciated or expect others to meet my standards of giving. I won’t give more than I genuinely feel it’s right for me to give. I won’t do for a partner what he is capable of doing for himself. If I’m looking for recognition, I have to look at my intentions behind what I’m doing. I’m not perfect at this, believe me, I’m not. What I’ve gotten very good at is not confusing fear with love. I can question my thinking and realize that I need to re-align with love.

 

With a strong core focused on love, I attract people to my life who I feel open to love. Strangers are kinder, neighbors talk to me, friends are genuine, and my partner is a great partner. I don’t fear people or places because I trust my instincts. People who want to use people stay away from me. I feel comfortable with staying away from people who don’t like me, I no longer try to make them like me because I feel insecure. When old beliefs start coming back in, I go back to my definition and use all the tools I’ve gained along the way to get me back to love.

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Sending love and prayers to anyone suffering from the confusion between love and fear. I hope you find what you need to define love in a way that sets you free.

With Love and Gratitude,

Rachael Wolff ©2018

Breaking Free From My Unhealthy Relationships: Finding Love through the Darkness

I am no master. I have survived some horrible situations and lost much of my innocence way too young. I still fight, cry, and struggle through some of life’s twists and turns. Here is what I know, life is full of lessons and I have survived them all. Some of my deepest scars have helped others through their darkest days. At seventeen, I was lucky to survive an attempt at ending my journey. I didn’t think my life was worth living. I felt like all I brought people was pain. I thought I would be doing my family a favor by not being here. At the core of it all, I felt unlovable and not worth loving at all. My failed attempt changed the trajectory of many lives, not only my family and friends at the time, but the two amazing lives I’ve brought into the world.

The lessons showed me that I needed to keep learning and expanding. I have to keep going deeper into my inner core to see what I really need to be learning from all these experiences in my life. Some lessons I can figure out with a little distance, but others may take years or a lifetime to figure out. All I know is that if I learn the lesson, I can stop repeating it. The lesson won’t get harder, but I will be able to spot the problem before it starts.

One of my most challenging lessons has been with my romantic relationships. I had the patterns of behavior that kept attracting the wrong men. The lessons would get worse and worse as the years went by until it escalated to verbal and emotional abuse. I became a person I didn’t even recognize at the height of the toxicity. I didn’t like the untrusting, unloving, and emotionally unavailable person I had become. Since my mom taught me very young that no one can make me feel anything, and that my perception chooses my feelings and reactions, I knew only I could fix the darkness that stirred inside me.

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Since that is where my mind focused those were the lessons that would present themselves to me. If I focused my mind in a dark place, like I had chosen to do many times, I would dig myself deeper into the problem. I used to focus on the guy I was in the relationship with instead of me. I learned I can’t fix the problem there, because I can’t change him. I can only change me. I found all the books and teachers I needed to help me change my perception and patterns. This didn’t happen overnight, and I’m still a work in progress, but through reflection and watching some of the people I love follow similar paths to what I was on, I see how far I have come.

Now, I’m in a relationship where I love, trust, and respect myself. Since I feel that way about me, I can love, trust and respect him equally. I acknowledge and see where I’m putting past relationship stresses on him and I work through them. No need for dramatic fights and false exits. Does this mean we don’t argue, of course not. We are not going to agree about everything. We do fight fair and know when each other need just enough space to process the information so we can discuss it reasonably.

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Giving and accepting space is new for me. I remember not trusting the space at all in past relationships and thinking that those big dramatic fights were essential. With some, I felt like the end of the world was happening if we couldn’t talk reasonably in the very second a problem occurred. I would panic and get super clingy. With others, I remember walking away and having a man follow me around yelling and calling me names to try to make me feel as small as he was feeling about himself. The knot in my stomach and all my fight or flight senses would be going off. For a period of time before kids, I would try to use alcohol or depression medication to cover up my feelings, but that was not what got me out.

Facing my feelings fully and changing MY behavior towards, number one, myself was the catalyst for breaking free from the pain that these unhealthy relationships brought to the surface. If I abuse and belittle myself, I bring people who will reflect it back to me. The worse I abuse myself, the worse the abuse will be. Abusers can spot our weaknesses from a mile away. There are little signs from the moment we meet them that create a dinging in their ears knowing we are a match. We look for our equals. If we want better, we have to be better. I had to learn to be the person towards myself that I wanted to attract. For instance, I love nature and adventure, but I wasn’t doing that for myself. I was waiting for someone else to take me. Well, screw that! I started taking myself on adventures in nature and what did I attract, someone who enjoyed the same things. We go on some adventures together, but I keep adding more of my own adventures. I expand my adventures every year. This past summer I took my kids on  camping with another single mom for 5 days in Asheville, NC. It was amazing. The adventure didn’t start or stop there, we saw friends, family, and added wonderful experiences to our memory books.

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Before, I kept going above and beyond for men who I hoped would one day give back the same amount of effort. I thought that the more I helped them, maybe they would feel like they needed me and fight for me to stay. I was the rescuer! A superpower I thought I had, but really that was my codependency. I just felt depleted and frustrated and the relationships didn’t work. I finally understood the message from the Bible about treating others as I treat myself. I used to think this just meant treat others, as I wanted to be treated. I kept getting walked on. I now see it as, if I treat others with the same respect and love that I show myself, I will attract people who will reflect that back to me. I will attract people who really want to get out of their misery (if that is where they are). I won’t attract the men who want to be stuck in the victim of the world role and want to take me down with them. I realized the the Bible wasn’t telling me to give myself away, it was telling me to show the world my inner beauty and strength. I have read many books that have the same message, and it took me reading all of them and experiencing everything I did to finally make it sink in. There is no one book, person, place, or being that is capable of showing us everything we need to see. We are human, we have to experience many lessons to get the messages to sink in. At least, I do.

As I grow in love and respect for myself, my relationships gets better. My life gets better. I no longer feel like I need another person to complete me. I am complete. I get to enjoy the man I’m with for being the person he is and what he contributes to the life I want to live. I keep growing and getting stronger. This is the example I want to show my kids. I want my son to see that it is good to be with a woman who loves, trusts, and respects herself. I want my daughter to become a woman who loves, trusts, and respects herself. My job is to be the example.

With Love and Gratitude,

Rachael Wolff ©2017

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